Thursday, January 14, 2010

Happy day...Sad day

So today is DH birthday! To my rock, the love of my life, and the greatest man I have ever known...Happy Birthday! I love you so much. I do not know what I would do without you.

Today, also happens to be the anniversary of my first loss. The first time that all my dreams for what life would be, came crashing down around me. It was a day I will never forget. I am just so sorry it also happens to be on DH birthday. What a crappy reminder!

It is hard to pretend like today is just a happy day and we need to celebrate, but I do it. I do it for him because he deserves it. He deserves a day to not talk about or think about the fact that our dreams may never come true. He deserves for today NOT to be a reminder that 5 years ago was one of the worst days of our lives. That I did not drop to my knees when I got the phone call and screamed louder then I thought possible, BEGGING for it to not be true! We won't talk about how I dragged him to the hospital that day because I did not want to believe it! I wanted someone else to tell me that the doctor was ALL WRONG! So I dragged him to the hospital and sat there for hours only to be told that they could not see anything. They said it was probably too early as I was only 6 weeks. (I did not tell them that I was already told I had a miscarriage). When they told me, they probably wondered why I burst into tears. It is because I knew the truth...

We won't talk about that today. Today will be a day for him. A day that we celebrate the man I LOVE MORE THEN ANYTHING!!

Tomorrow we will remember and be sad...


xxooxxoo

14 comments:

Circus Princess said...

What an awful thing to be reminded of on such a happy day. I hope you can enjoy today with your hubby and make new happier memories!

Big hug to you and a happy b-day to your hubby!

Good Egg Hunting said...

I'm sure it is SO difficult to be reminded on your loss on the same day you celebrate your husband's birthday. I hope that you're able to concentrate on the celebration part, though the memories will never disappear. When I had my miscarriage last year, a friend told me that while the pain feels so acute at first, it starts to fade away and eventually feels like a tiny pebble in your pocket -- always there but you're able to go on with your life and not think about it all the time. This definitely has proven true for me, and I hope proves true for you too. I know it's easy to think that your dreams may never come true, but I definitely still believe in your quest for motherhood! Thinking of you.

Melis.sa said...

I'm so sorry. It will be one of those things that will always hurt and the date just twists the knife.

((HUG))

Happy birthday to your dh, I hope you two find a way to have a special day together

battynurse said...

I'm so sorry about the sad reminder. Happy birthday to your hubby though.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Holding you in my heart today and remembering for you so you can concentrate on your husband. And abiding here tomorrow when you return to remember.

Michele said...

Happy Birthday to your dear hubby!

Remembering your baby with you.

Sunny said...

I'm so sorry, Michelle, that the memory of your loss battles with the celebration of your awesome DH. I hope you two have a wonderful day, and we will be here for you tomorrow, too.

Another Dreamer said...

Thinking of you both. Many (*hugs*)

In Due Time said...

Thinking of you. (((Hugs))))

Lavender Luz said...

An unadulterated happy birthday to your husband.

And I'm abiding with you as you remember.

XO

JamieD said...

Sending happy birthday wishes to your husband and sending you a hug and much love.

strongblonde said...

:( i wish this day didn't have to have both anniversaries.

sending hugs your way.

xoxo

Andrea said...

Michelle,

My heart aches for you and all that you have endured. I hate that we have to remember dates and equate them with sadness and I just hate that we are walking this road. It's just so painful...

On a happier note, I'm so happy that you are celebrating your hubby's birthday and not allowing the pain to intrude too deeply on his day. My hubby's birthday was not long after our loss and I remember how difficult it was to put on a happy face, but I did it...like you, I did it for him :) Often times, we don't know our own strength.

Thank you for your sweet post on my blog and thank you for offering a listening ear.

Many hugs to you and I am going to pray like mad that your dream comes to fruition.

xoxo

Stacey said...

Sorry I'm late commenting here... Hope you and your hubby had a happy day celebrating him, and holding each other close as you remembered your loss. I'm so sorry that so many happy days have to be mingled with sadness along this journey.
((HUGS))