Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Face of Infertility

1 in 6 women experience infertility. I AM that 1.

2.5% of women have PCOS. I AM that 2.5%.

1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I AM that 1.

Women with PCOS have a 45% (or more) of miscarrying. I AM that 45%.

But I AM NOT a statistic! What am I?

I AM a wife. A wife of a wonderful husband, who would be an even better father! A wife that wonders why he stays when she is the one that is broke. Why should his dream be denied? I am sorry for that.

I am a daughter. A daughter who would like nothing more then to give her mother a grandchild. A daughter that loves her mother and knows she too is in pain because her child is in pain but there is nothing I can do about it. I am sorry for that.

I am a sister. A sister whose best friend is her sister. A sister who both times she heard “I’m pregnant “was so happy for her but sad for herself. A sister who rejoiced over the birth of her nephews as if they were her own but on the inside was thinking. “why can’t this be me?” and I am sorry for that.

I am a granddaughter. A granddaughter who fears that her grandmother will never meet her great grandchildren. They will never know this amazingly strong woman that I know. I am sorry for that.

I am an Aunt. An Aunt who loves her nephews as if they were her own. Who hugs them so tight not wanting to let them go because she remembers she was suppose to have one the same age and wonders what they would be like.

I am a Boss. A Boss who has bad days too. Who sometimes may not understand that getting a flat tire on the way to work was the end of the world because yesterday I lost my baby and I am still here today on time. I am sorry about that.

I am a Friend. A friend who needs her friends more now then ever before. A friend that will love you, listen to you, help you but may not be able to come to every baby shower because it hurts to much. I am sorry for that.

I am a Woman. A woman who can’t do what women were born to do. A women whose heart is broken. A women who will comfort you, laugh with you, cry with you, and help you but right now needs to do all those things for herself and I am sorry for that.

I am the girl behind you in the checkout line. The girl who is buying a pregnancy test with excitement and dread at the same time because deep down she knows it probably did not happen this month and if it did there is so much that can go wrong. She is worried about that.

I am the person that cut you off on the road because her mind was racing in a million directions because she wonders if the spotting she saw this afternoon was notice of impending doom. I am sorry for that.

I am your neighbor who may not always seem so friendly. Who does not always come over to your kids birthday parties because it is just too hard right now and I am sorry for that.

I am your patient. A patient whose happiness that day depends on the news you give her over the phone or in person. If she reacts badly or says something not nice it is not a reflection of your abilities, it is a reflection of her inabilities. I am sorry for that.

I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I hurt. I cry. I hide. I yell. I make mistakes and I am sorry for that.

I love. I am happy. I laugh. I smile. I am strong. I will heal. I will move forward everyday…one step at a time…I WILL do all these things. I AM all these things. I FEEL all these things because of the one thing that I am NOT. I am NOT a mother and I am most sorry for that!

56 comments:

Cara said...

Oh Michelle - What a gorgeous post! You are a mother. You are! Not in the traditional changing diapers and installing car seat sense (*YET*) - but you have four children. I'm looking at their dates on my wall right now.

xoxo

Searching for Serenity said...

What a lovely post, Michelle! My heart aches for you and I'm in tears because I am all of these things too. It is so hard to remind ourself of the people that we ARE rather than the people that we aren't. Let this be a reminder that you are an awesome wife, daughter, sister, aunt and granddaughter.

Thinking of you. {hugs}

sharonvw said...

What a great post and I whole heartdely agree, there is sooo much more to me than just a statistic or infertility!

(ICLW)

ak_sapphire said...

*tear* very well said. we are all so much more than how we're labeled by ourselves and society. being put into a statistical category is so impersonal and well, vanilla. we most certainly are not vanilla!

and...I’ve chosen you to join in a blogger buddy recipe exchange! Check out my blog to find out more about it!

Dora said...

Trying not to cry at work. Beautiful post. Thank you.

Another Dreamer said...

I fit into all those statistics with you. And most of this post I could have wrote myself.

Hugs to you. We are not simply statistics, though sometimes I find, as I'm sure you do, that it's hard to see past them. I hope someday we get to be on the other side of those odds.

C said...

That was very heartfelt and beautiful... I'm touched. Thank you for sharing!

Jill said...

Wow you must have been inside my head today. I was thinking of writing something VERY similar, but couldn't seem to make coherent sentences. Sending lots of hugs.

CTagsGirl said...

Beautiful. Absolutely perfect. I needed to be reminded of the MANY roles that I play as a woman. We are not defined simply by our ability (or inability) to procreate. Thinking of you today. *hugs*

ICLW

Elle said...

Thank you. That was beautiful, and I can relate to so much of it.

chicklet said...

Nicely put.

nh said...

Right there with you - and so wonderfully put.

(ICLW)

Kristin said...

Oh wow! Michelle...what a beautiful, heartfelt, and heartbreaking post. I will second what Cara said...You are definitely a mother. You are unfortunately a mother who has been deprived of the opportunity to hold the children she loves with all her heart. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers for future success.

ICLW

Heather said...

Beautiful post. So true. It brought tears to my eyes. Again, I tell you we are almost twins in our journey. Our time will come soon! Big Hugs!

Mary said...

Wow. This is so beautifully written, and so true.

Thanks for sharing it.

ICLW

Ronda's Rants said...

I am sorry too...my heart is so sad for you...I hope for you...someday!
Sending love! :)
Thanks for your kind words on my blog today!

christina said...

that was beautiful. parts of it, i felt like i could have written myself!

Andrea said...

Wow1 That was beautifully written! Thanks for sharing!

Portraits In Sepia said...

Loved this post.

Shelby said...

This is a great post and one that I'm sure most of us can relate to. It really illustrates IF-the pain, the hope, and most of all, the person going through it. Thanks!

bendingbackwards said...

WONDERFUL POST! I am going to need to get the tissues now.

HUGS!

ICLW

Jenn said...

That was a great post (ICLW)

JamieD said...

What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for this. Your words really resonate in my heart.

RMCarter said...

This was beautiful. I identified with all of it. It felt like you were taking a peak right into my heart. Thank you for sharing.

Trish said...

Michelle - I am so sorry for the loss of your babies.

Very poignant words ..but you are a mother - you cradle these precious souls in your heart instead of your arms.

This is beyond the realm of my life-experience though I am infertile and waited a long time to be a mum. I have no wisdom.
What a difficult path you are on ... I can only imagine the ups and downs ... the highs and lows. My prayer is for courage and faith for you.

Michelle - Keep on digging deep because you are strong and amazing.

Faith and Hope are eternal.
Faith in yourself.Hope in solutions.

Here from IComLeavWe... (adoption,pregnancy loss, IVF twins)
My Little Drummer Boys

Shelli said...

So wonderful to meet you (thanks for stopping by my blog). I am also a fellow Michelle (but I go by Shelli in the blog world).

A wonderful post. I should try to remember more often that even though I seem to have ended up on the bad side of statistics for many years, there is so much more to appreciate in life.

eggorchicken said...

What a beautiful post. This really moved me, and helped to reassess my own blessings - and for that I thank you!

Wishing you all the best on your journey!

x
Yvonne
(ICLW)

Laura said...

A very eloquent post, feelings shared by so many. Thank you. Here from ICLW

A Decade of BFNs said...

I loved this post. It sure came at the right time. Thanks.

~Jess said...

What a wonderful post!

ICLW

Amy said...

Wonderfully said. I too am a daughter with a mother that desires so much to be a grandmother. She is not the pushy sort but I know she not only aches to be a grandma but aches for me.

ICLW

KandiB said...

Thank you for saying all the things I want to say and for expressing all ways I feel. We WILL be moms some day. We will! I hold tightly to that fact after every disappointment, after every tough day. I, too, will survive. ICLW

Teal Marie Chimblo said...

Your post made me so sad. So sad for your struggle and loss, but also I hear this hope in your voice. I will believe in good things for you. ICLW

Thank you also for visiting my blog and viewing my art. You may find some helpful and comforting things on my yoga blog

http://blissfulbodyyoga.blogspot.com

Megs said...

Wow...that was a wonderful post! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I feel like I fit most of those descriptions also.

Here from ICLW

*Thanks for commenting on my blog!

April said...

what a great post! I have been feeling a lot like a statistic lately, too!!

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Always nice to meet another Michigander! :) Where are you going for your RE? Are you happy there? (you can email if you want to keep this private).

xoxo, april

Sarah said...

What a lovely post. Brought me to tears.

I'm new on your blog so it looks like I have some reading to do.

kirke said...

This is exactly how I feel...beautifully put.

ICLW

Donielle said...

Wow, what an amazing post! Great job capturing all thes feelings so many go through.

ICLW

www.NaturallyKnockedUp.com

Choicemumtobe said...

Damn that's just more sorrys than any one woman should have to say.

Just beautiful.
Thank you.

Here from Creme :)

Lilysmom said...

Beautifully said. I am also more than a statistic. But your story is mine and mine is yours.

battynurse said...

Beautiful post.

annacyclopedia said...

A really powerful post. Thank you for sharing it through the Creme - your words are a very strong reminder that I am more than I sometimes feel myself to be, when the heartache of this journey starts to close in.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

Thank you for this lovely post. Glad to have found it through Creme.

Lori said...

You are powerful, Michelle.

Such a proclamation. I love this post.

Emily said...

I love this post. It rang so very true for me and brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you...

Creme

Delenn said...

What a wonderful post. It is so hard sometimes to make people get past those statistics. And you did. Thank you. From the Creme.

Billy said...

Beautiful!

Lisa said...

Here from the Creme.

Beautifully written and, simply put, I am you.....

N said...

What a beautiful, sad, and true post.

Elize said...

Here from Creme.

Stunning post! I loved it!

JamieD said...

What an awesome post. It strikes me as strongly today as it did the first time I read it.

Anonymous said...

The date of your post was 4 days after our third, and probably final, miscarriage. Your entry has helped me to understand my wife's pain. I thought I saw it, but I didn't. You two are in almost the same exact boat.

I wonder what your husband's version would look like. He and I are in almost the same exact boat.

When can we stop bailing and sail awhile?

Steve in Hawaii

A n T said...

Here from the Creme: Beautiful post! I could have wrote each bullet myself. Its like I was reading my feelings on paper!

JuliaS said...

Crying . . . .

So true, so true - you write what has been in my heart these many years through my struggles with fertility and my recurrent losses.

Good wishes.

Creme de la creme 2008

Kahla said...

Michelle, I never saw this post before but saw the link on your blogoversary post. It is so well written, I just wanted you to know that. It's a hard post too, I've thought so many of those things myself. Hugsq

Barb said...

Yay great post! Good to read it again. :)