Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I had dreams

Ok so I was watchin' "here Come.s the New1yweds5" last night. Yes I know some quality TV but I have already admitted to my reality TV addiction. Anyway was watchin' last night and they had questions about where they would be at there 10 year anniversary and then had the men dress up as old people and do a video for there wives for their 40th anniversary. It was suppose to be funny but to me it made me sad. Unexpectedly I had tears falling thinking I am coming up on my 9th wedding and TTC anniversary in a couple of weeks and I am NO WHERE near where I thought we would be by our 10th anniversary. Yea I have a year to go but unless I have some freak octo mom like experience I don't think I will be there.

I have always wanted a lot of kids. At least 4 has been my dream. Now they have been modified. My dreams, year by year, get less and less. At this point I would be ecstatic with 1! What is it you were always told as a kid? Never give up on your dream...never settle for less...if you try hard enough you can have anything you want. HAH I laugh [read cry] at that. Everyone spends time preaching to teens about how you can get pregnant with just one mistake so use protection. (rightfully so) but still no one prepared me for the heart break with trying hundreds or thousands of times and it not working! No one prepared for the ultimate feeling of failure that I feel. I can't just try hard enough and make a baby. I had dreams...

What do you do when you are terrified that they won't come true?

25 comments:

Sunny said...

I wish there was an easy answer to that question. :(

When we are still in the middle of the IF struggle, it's so difficult to heal because the wound is constantly reopened with every failing cycle. But this stage WON'T last forever, you will survive it (and be stronger for it), and whatever the outcome, your life can and will be full and happy.

But I know, that's not really comforting right now. So (((hugs))) and lots of prayers that your baby gets here very, very soon.

Shannon said...

I know exactly how you feel, I was just saying to someone yesterday how 5 or 10 years ago I never would have thought I would be where I am right now (basically hell). It makes me wonder about all those years I used birth control pills. Seems like a waste, but that's the irony of our situations. We want so badly to have a baby and it's so hard, but for the people who don't want to or are ambivalent about it, they pop them out like crazy. Not fair at all.

I hope that we get some of our dreams some day and don't have to give up on them completely.

Hugs,
Shannon

iamstacey said...

I'm so sorry. {{hugs}}
I felt the same way while watching one of those TLC shows the other evening with my mom where the women don't even know they're pregnant 'til they give birth. Sooooo ironic.

Stacey said...

I can't write anything better than what Sunny just said.

This post breaks my heart because the questions are so real to me. What do you do when your lifelong dreams don't and may never come true? Somehow, though, I still have hope for myself and all of my IF friends that someday it will happen.

Adam and Julia said...

I understand completely! I feel your pain and wish there was some way to make it all better. Praying for you and me.
j

Another Dreamer said...

(*hugs*) I totally feel that.

JamieD said...

I wish I had answers. All I can is it is so f*$king unfair. You are so deserving of a child and there are so many women out there who are NOT and they can't seem to not get pregnant.

Thinking of you . . .

Jill said...

First: as far as reality TV goes, I think Here Come the Newlyweds is one of the best out there. The Hubs and I watch it together and it's really relationship-building.

I can't imagine what it would be like to try for 9 years. I think it might literally kill me. I admire your strength to go on every day and your determination to keep on fighting.

((hugs))

strongblonde said...

:( xoxo

Cara said...

All I can say is keep putting your dreams out there...what happens next is not assured, but faith - even in ourselves - does take us a long way!

Lavender Luz said...

"Never give up on your dream...never settle for less...if you try hard enough you can have anything you want. HAH "

I think this was the hardest part of IF. I couldn't study my way out, work hard, whatever. It was just absolutely out of my control.

Hence the suckage. Prior to IF I *had* been able to pursue/achieve anything.

battynurse said...

Still struggling with that one myself. Hugs to you.

Good Egg Hunting said...

You are SO SWEET to send birthday wishes -- thank you (how did you know?)! Do keep dreaming. Let us believe in them for a while if it's too hard for you to believe in dreams right now....

Sunny said...

Be sure to check out my next post -- I'll be handing you an award. :)

Echloe said...

I wish I had an answer to our question. I have no idea of what to do when I'm terrified that my dream won't come true. Sadly that is my reality.

And I agree that someone should warn girls and boys about the possibility of IF. Just so they can be somewhat prepared if it happens to them. We are all just so sure that we will get pregnant on the first try. That you don't even have to try. That leads to way too much heartache in the IF world. : (

Jendeis said...

Here from the Roundup. That last sentence really hits me in the gut. I too am terrified that none of my dreams will come true. It seems like all of my dreams have had to be modified or put down, not just for a family, but with marriage and the course of my life.

Praying that we'll all get one of those dreams to come true.

sunflowerchilde said...

I have a lot of different reactions when I start allowing myself to believe that my dreams won't come true. I try to be grateful that I have such a wonderful husband and I'm so blessed for that. Sometimes I cry at the unfairness of it all. Sometimes I just try to forget about it and distract myself with something else, so the despair doesn't destroy my soul. Sometimes I think of adoption, and the more I think about it, the more ok the situation seems.

I hope that your dreams do come true, and very soon.

the Babychaser: said...

God, how many dreams have come and gone? At first it just seems so unfair to give up on the "Honey, I'm pregnant!" moment--the moment when you tell your husband over dinner that a baby is on its way, the weeks when you share secret smiles with him while no one else knows.

And then you give up on the dream of having more than one child (I didn't want 4, but more than one has always been incredibly important to me). Somewhere along the line you give up on the dream of being able to afford summer camp and an extension to your home and private college for your kid-to-be, because of the $40K second-mortgage you had to take out to finance what everyone else gets for free.

And then, years later, when you're resigned to giving up all these "less important" dreams, you have to give up on the dream of having your husband's biological child.

Nothing about this is fair. And like you, I wasn't at all prepared for the possibility of this turn in my life. My only comfort is that I think I like who the past four years of hell has made turned me into. More cynical, definitely. But stronger, too.

Or maybe I'm just trying to pretend that I've come out of the last four years with something of value. Something to balance out the bills, scars, and heartache.

The Mamabunny said...

Hugs and lots of support to you. I discovered your blog today via the Stirrup Queens list, and have to tell you that I am overcome with emotion. You are battling hard, and staying courageous, and I really admire it. Do not ever give up - my angel in heaven, Vivienne, taught me never to do that, because she never did. <3

andhereweare said...

A quote I love from Barbara Brown Taylor is: "Humans do not lose control, we lose the illusion that we were ever in control in the first place." I think that is so true, and infertility is a path by which some of us realize how we truly are not in control of certain, critical aspects of our lives. Thank you for this post, and I am thinking of you.

Barb said...

It's all crap. (HUGS) We have modified to this one (provided nothing goes wrong) and then MAYBE adopt one more.

Mrs4444 said...

I'm sorry, but I have no idea. My hear goes out to you...

Shelby said...

That is the absolute hardest question I have ever faced in my life. And like you, my dreams have been whittled down, or rather, modified. I certainly hope that your dream come true arrives sooner than later...

Michele said...

I was birthed by a 14yo and adopted into a loving family, for which I am ever grateful. But I grew up thinking of that "one mistake". Never did I think that my husband and I would struggle so hard to do something that was "normal". I too have severe PCOS. We've been lucky to find an RE with great experience with PCOS and I've been successful with drugs, but then I found out that I have an incompetent cervix as well, which has added insult to injury. We've had perfect pregnancies- just to watch them end with preterm labor and babies too young to save... No one ever tells you how hard something can be while they are so busy preaching about how easy it is. I only wish that people could understand the truth.

Anonymous said...

I wish I knew. These thoughts are constantly circling my head as well. Life has not turned out like I expected. Not at all.

Hugs.