Monday, September 8, 2008

Angels in Heaven

It's getting close. Close to the EDD for my first angel. My angel would have been born on 09/11/05.  So now I have more then one reason to mourn on that day. It's funny (not really) how time passes but the pain is still so raw. Maybe it's because I keep having miscarriages that the pain remains. I don't know, I just know it's there, always in the back of my mind. I'm sad and I'm angry. I hate dwelling on what could of been...He/she would be turning 3. My nephew just turned 3 and I see what he is doing and how, oh so cute he is and I wonder what my little one would be doing now...

It seems so unfair! My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. It was suppose to be fun! Our kids would grow up together and be close, but then I wasn't. She now has 2 kids. She got pregnant with her second right after my 3rd loss and again we would of had children the same age growing up together. I was pregnant, she was pregnant, then again I wasn't. It's just not right. I keep thinking there should be some kind of limit, I mean I know that sounds stupid but how many times can I mend a broken heart? How many times can I have hope only to have it taken away? 

People keep telling me what a strong person I am. How they are amazed considering all I have been through that I can still have a smile on my face. What they don't know is ... I want to be strong...I'm trying to be strong...but I don't feel strong. I want to not let this beat me but the more I fight the harder it gets. It's like everytime I find a way over the wall, someone builds the wall taller.  But for now I am going to keep climbing! I will find a way to the other side! 

What I really wanted to say was my darling angels, please know that even though you were with me for only a short time, I loved you more then anything and I wish you could be here with me. Your place is in my heart forever but your home is in heaven. I will see you someday, you will always be my babies!

I want to add:
Since, I am new to this whole blog thing I have been reading a lot of other blogs of women, strong women, who are going through this just like me. It's nice to find I am not alone, you are all amazing people and I have found hope and encouragement from each one of you! Keep blogging and I hope to talk to you all soon. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger!!


Monica LeMoine said...

I totally get the urge to appear strong, even though you might not feel strong on the inside. The sad thing is, society admires and respects people who go through trauma and are totally Pollyanna positive and chipper about it. What people don't realize is that, it's so much easier said than done. You suffered a huge loss, there's no doubt about it.

familyoftwo98 said...

Welcome to blogging.

Due dates remain forever difficult. Sending support, and cyber hugs your way.

JuliaS said...

Happy blogging! :0)

I've been through the same thing with my sister. It use to really freak me out when I would be pg at the same time as a sister or sil. I always felt like they were the back-up plan when I failed yet again.

Some anniversary dates are harder than others. The big milestone ones - the first one of course, 5 years and then 10 . . . it can still surprise you sometimes how emotional it can be.