Something has been weighing heavily on my mind and it is something I must get off my chest. I have seen some things on other blogs and thought I would put a "disclaimer" here as well. It probably should be understood but in case it is not I just want to put it out there.
I started this blog for me. I started this blog because I felt I needed some place to dump all my feelings, good and bad. I needed some where to vent, to express, and to let go so as to not drive all my family and friends away or make my husband run screaming in the other direction. This is MY sanctuary. This is where I can go and be accepted no matter what crazy things I have going on in my head. Some times you may not understand those feelings. Sometimes you may not agree with those feelings. Sometimes you may think I have lost my mind (I wonder this myself at times). But I do not require that you agree with everything in order to read my blog. I do require you come here with an open mind and knowing that I am going through a very difficult time. I have had things happen to me that I do not wish on my worst enemy. I come here to release all of my frustrations and to let go of my anger, my fear. I come here to talk about my hopes and dreams. If I say things that hurt your feelings or upset you please know that it is never my intention to do so. I put it here so I can leave it here. I f you tell me you are having a baby I may come here and talk about how I hate it. How it makes me angry. Sometimes it may sound like it is directed at you but it is directed at how hurt I am for myself and my longing, yearning and deep desire to have a baby. I do it here so that IRL I can be a "normal" person. I can smile and say "congratulations". If you say something to me such as "maybe you just relax" or "miscarriage is God's way of taking care of a baby that would not have been healthy" or "have you thought about adoption", "I have a friend of a friend that tried xyz maybe you should too". I come here to talk about how ridiculous and hurtful those comments were. I talk about them being stupid and insensitive because IRL I know most people have no intention of hurting my feelings or being insensitive. I know you want to offer support but really do not know how. So I come here and dump.
Please know that if you see these things it is not meant to hurt it is meant to heal...me. I am truly from the bottom of my heart sorry if I have ever or will ever hurt someones feelings. That is NEVER my intention. There are many follow up posts that should have been written or happy posts that should have talked about the great things you have said or did but they are not because I come here to get support and try to figure out the things that bother me. I don't say anything to you directly because most of the time I know in my heart that I am sensitive due to circumstances beyond my control. I know your (most of you)intentions are good so please know that mine are as well.
Also, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is my blog! This is where I save thousands of dollars on therapy and I keep from going insane. These are MY OPINIONS. I welcome all readers even those with differing opinions. You may give me a way to look at things that I have not thought of yet as long as you are respectful about it. But if you do not like what you are reading there is a whole internet filled with places you can go to occupy your time or you can start your own blog.
I thank everyone that reads, understands or tries to understand, offers support and encouragement, or keeps me in their thoughts and or prayers. Every bit of it helps!
I live with a broken heart. I have found, here, a place I never really knew existed until recently. A place where there are many people just like myself who have the same fears, the same frustrations, and the same desires. I feel "normal" here. I feel accepted here. But most of all I feel HOPE here and that is what I need most of all.