Tomorrow is my birthday. I am trying to be excited but I am really not. I have tried to think of what I want to say about this whole birthday thing, but all I can think is UGH! I have typed many things here only to delete because I feel like I have done the whole "I'm turning 35 and that really sucks" thing (although it is worth saying again). Tomorrow I am not doing anything really special because a) haven't been feeling all that great b) Im broke. I am going to celebrate with the fam and that is about it. Probably use "but it's my birthday" (with pouty lip and batting eyelashes) with DH to try to get what I want but that's about it. So as it gets closer to the big 3 5 let me reflect on my previous 34 years.
Was born in Michigan which is where I have lived all my life. I have moved about 12-15 times but not to far. I was a pretty good kid. My mom always says as a baby she could take me any where and I would always smile and sleep. My parents got divorced when I was pretty young. I want to say 7 or 8 but don't quote me on that. Let's just say it was so long ago I don't really remember my parents being together except the fights. Oh and there were some doozies! Like when my dad got mad about my mom talking on the phone and ripped the phone book to shreds. I always wanted to live up to my dads expectations but realized later in life that would never happen because he is crazy (and I do mean C R A Z Y).
I grew up playing sports. I mainly bowled and played softball. I was good at both of them. I don't say this to toot my own horn but to say I HAD to be good at them or my dad would go nuts! One time when I was five he put me on a bowling league and I bowled a 1 because well...I was 5. I remember him standing on the lane screaming at me telling me how I had embarrassed him and that "no daughter of his would ever bowl a 1". That was the first of many times of him screaming at me because I was not perfect at something (hence the reason I am a perfectionist to this day). He used to come to all my games and in fact coached many of my teams. He wasn't the "official" coach but he always charmed his way in. I HATED EVERY MOMENT!!! I loved when he wasn't there because I could actually have fun. I ended up playing varsity softball in High School but quit after sophomore year after a whopper of a fight with dear ole dad. He wanted me to get a scholarship to college, so I quit to spite him and because he made it not fun...at all! It really pissed him off. hehehe.
For all the goodness I had when I was a child, I more then made up for as a teenager. I was a pretty popular girl. Had several boyfriends from a young age. My mom got called up to the school because I got caught kissing a boy behind the bleachers in 6th grade. In junior high I got caught doing everything, smoking, drinking, skipping school. I think my dad was at my house waiting for me several times after school, which was never a good sign. But I learned from those mistakes an just stopped getting caught. There was once or twice I would get caught and my mom would say "Im going to catch you every time" and I would think "I'll take 1 out of 50". But I was always paranoid about getting caught. I always got good grades. They came pretty easy to me so it helped me get away with other things.
In 9th grade I met my first real love...C! And to this day I still get a little twinge in my heart when I think about him. It's ok my hubby knows about him and in fact they became really good friends and C stood up in our wedding. Unfortunately I haven't seen him for many years :( but we do exchange Christmas cards and the occasional emails. He was there for me through some really bad times and I will always have a little bit of love for him.
On spring break my senior year my friends and I went to Myrtle beach and there I met a Marine and oh was I madly in love with him! It was weird because I met him there but we had really had only lived about 15 minutes from each other our whole lives and only a few miles for part of it. He was one crazy guy and infatuated with being a marine. When I met him I never gave him my phone or address I just figured it was a "spring break" thing but after I got home he tracked me down a few weeks later and said he was coming home on leave and he wanted to see me. He took me to meet his parents and introduced me as his future wife and the just made my hear go a flutter. I was head over heals, at the time I thought "in love", but now realize it was "in lust".
I went to college for a year to Central Michigan. That is one big party school. Recently my DH asked me what I remember about college and sadly I do not remember any classes, except the bowling class I thought I would take as a blow off class and it turned out to be one of the hardest. For our final the teach made us write a single spaced 10 page paper that was about...how I improved, how bowling related to my major and minor (which at the time was psychology and communications) and how bowling relates to life. Uh what ?!? It sucked! Marine guy broke my heart (which in retrospect was definitely for the best) and things happened to my family that forever changed me and my family. I will not talk about it because it is not my business to tell but I can say it was this night 17 years ago that I truly felt completely care free and happy. I remember it so vividly because I was at a concert with my friends and I was sitting there thinking "man my life is good! It can not get any greater then this! I love my life!" The next day on my birthday I got the call that changed everything! Every feeling of security, every feeling of peace I ever had was gone! I did not think we would ever make it through it but we did. We came out closer, and stronger but smaller, because it was a this time that I realized how truly CRAZY my dad was and I stopped talking to him for good!
After that year in college I came home and I started a job delivering pizza's and a guy started working there on the very same day. He was a nice guy but not my type. I dated several guys during this time, all jerks BTW and then one day I heard my boss say "if you don't ask her,I'm going to". A few minutes later DH asked me out. We went on a few dates and he started talking about my b-day and I remember thinking "what is he talking about, I am not going to be with him in 6 months". Shortly after that he pretty much moved in with me. I got involved with a scam job and pretty much lost everything. I did some horrible things. I stole from my moms friend and I was in deep denial. It was like I was brain washed. I remember my mom coming to my apartment, which had an eviction notice on the door, and she said "your getting evicted." to which I said "nope". Can you say DENIAL? The day I had to be out, I came home from work and my DH (boyfriend) was moving my stuff, because he had to or it would be thrown out and I was screaming at him because I still believed I was not getting evicted. UH DUH! We moved into DH studio apartment with his brother in a BAD BAD neighborhood. My mother came to me and said "I have tried to help you but I can't any longer because you don't want it. Please stay away"...my world collapsed but I finally got the message. I quit that scam job and paid back all the money (thankfully I did not go to jail) and I got a new legit job. Those days were so hard because we would scrape together pennies. My first day at my new job we did not have any food except 1 egg. I was looking forward to eating that egg when I got home because I was hungry and when I got home DH had eaten it. It was horrible! I think the only thing that got us through was that DH still worked at the pizza place and brought a lot of food home.
We then moved and rented a room from a whacked out lady who burned down the house and took the money and ran. We lost everything again. 2 weeks later we moved into an apartment which 5 years down the road was damaged by fire and we lost everything AGAIN! Fire and me do not get along. Anyway during this time I did make up with mom and all and earned back the trust. I did not think so at the time but my mom telling me to stay away was the thing that saved me. It woke me up and I thank her for that because I am not sure if I would be here and I know it was hard for her to do.
After 7 years of dating DH and I finally got married and started our TTC journey. Well actually we did before we got married but I haven't really counted that. The rest I have talked about an will talk about some more but let me just say this...Out of the 35 years I have been alive the best thing I ever did was marry my hubby! I would not trade it for the world and if that meant I would never have a kid I would marry him over and over again because I do not know what I would ever do without him. He is the greatest guy I have ever met! He makes all the bad seem better. He knows me like no other person in this world and he still loves me and for that I will be forever grateful!
So folks that is it in a nutshell. My 35 years on this earth...I have learned so much. I am who I am because of all that has happened to me. It has made me a stronger person. Although I wish some things had not happened, they have all led me to where I am now. I have grown into a much better person then I think I would have been had they not happened so for that I am thankful. I only hope that in 35 years from now I can look back and say thank you because I am a much better person then I was 35 years ago and hopefully I will have kids to back up my story. :)
Thank you if you stuck through and read this whole long post.