Monday, October 19, 2009

Another date passes

So, I think this weekend I kind of went off the deep end. I completely lost it! I am sure it is because of October 15th being Pregnancy Loss Remembrance and then October 18th being the 2nd of my losses EDD. I should have a 4 yr old, I should have a 3yr old...for that matter I should have a 2yr old and a 1 yr old. Now granted had any of the previous pregnancies worked out I would not have all those consecutive children but I do have all those angels.

I started thinking of these things and then Saturday came and I could not stop crying. I think I cried more on Saturday then I have in the last year combined. It was non stop and my poor hubby did not really know what to do. I was suppose to go to my sis's and play cards and I really wanted to see my nephews because I thought maybe they could cheer me up but, it also had the possibility of making me more sad and I really did not want them to see me like I was.

So I hibernated for the weekend. I spent the last few days feeling very sorry for myself. For once in my life I did not care that the dishes were piled up in the sink, the laundry was not done, and I did not leave the couch or even get on the computer all that much. I thought and I cried, and I cried and I thought some more and today I am feeling better. I was worried a little yesterday because I don't usually like to dwell for more then a day but I could not snap out of it. I felt bad for all I did not have. For all I wish I had. I was angry, I was hurt, and I felt my heart break in to a thousand pieces again. I wondered if it was possible to keep repairing the same heart over and over again.  Maybe it is not completely repaired and maybe it never will be but apparently a few cracks and missing pieces are still ok.

Today I woke up and made myself clean the house. I turned on some music and my mood seemed better. I think I just needed a few days to feel really bad for me. For it to be ok that I was sad, mad, frustrated. To not worry what everyone else would think if I just felt sorry for myself for a while. I made it through yet another date. I will make it through more and someday hopefully I will be able to remember as I am holding my baby in my arms.

Thanks to hubby for not calling the loony bin on me.

12 comments:

Another Dreamer said...

(*hugs*)EDDs and anniversaries are so hard. I am sorry hun. Thinking of you.

Adam and Julia said...

So sorry. Hugs to you. Thinking of you and your los. it is tough. and, it is okay to cry

Michele said...

You are not crazy.. Not one bit. Hugs...

battynurse said...

So sorry about the hard weekend. I know what that's like. Hugs to you.

Melis.sa said...

((HUG)) I'm so sorry hun.

Searching for Serenity said...

The struggles of IF and loss certainly ebb and flow. It sounds like you did exactly what was needed. A few days off to grieve and reflect. And that is OK!

Sending you *hugs*

just me, dawn said...

sometimes you just need to take time to do what you need. ((hugs))

JamieD said...

It ~is~ okay to be sad, mad and frustrated. It is better to get it all out of your system than keep it bottled up inside.

Thinking of you and sending you much love . . .

Barb said...

HUGS. If your DH called the looney bin, my hub would have no choice but to do so as well. I've had my fair share of moments...

Sunny said...

I'm so sorry for your losses... for what your heart aches for but does not have to hold (yet)...

We all need those moments sometimes, to completely let go and cry it out. Hugs to you.

Julie said...

I have days like that every once in a while. I think it's very healing for our hearts and souls. Every day life can be so mundane and we are forced to smile even through our toughest days. You deserve to take some time out. Good Luck to you.

Stacey said...

I'm so sorry you had such a rough weekend.

Sometimes I don't let myself remember the dates and I'm surprised when one has passed and I didn't notice. Other times they are just so heavy and so hard, I see them coming for weeks, and I think I need those times to cry and grieve and remember what I've lost.

Hoping you have happier days this week. Sending HUGE hugs!!