So, I think this weekend I kind of went off the deep end. I completely lost it! I am sure it is because of October 15th being Pregnancy Loss Remembrance and then October 18th being the 2nd of my losses EDD. I should have a 4 yr old, I should have a 3yr old...for that matter I should have a 2yr old and a 1 yr old. Now granted had any of the previous pregnancies worked out I would not have all those consecutive children but I do have all those angels.
I started thinking of these things and then Saturday came and I could not stop crying. I think I cried more on Saturday then I have in the last year combined. It was non stop and my poor hubby did not really know what to do. I was suppose to go to my sis's and play cards and I really wanted to see my nephews because I thought maybe they could cheer me up but, it also had the possibility of making me more sad and I really did not want them to see me like I was.
So I hibernated for the weekend. I spent the last few days feeling very sorry for myself. For once in my life I did not care that the dishes were piled up in the sink, the laundry was not done, and I did not leave the couch or even get on the computer all that much. I thought and I cried, and I cried and I thought some more and today I am feeling better. I was worried a little yesterday because I don't usually like to dwell for more then a day but I could not snap out of it. I felt bad for all I did not have. For all I wish I had. I was angry, I was hurt, and I felt my heart break in to a thousand pieces again. I wondered if it was possible to keep repairing the same heart over and over again. Maybe it is not completely repaired and maybe it never will be but apparently a few cracks and missing pieces are still ok.
Today I woke up and made myself clean the house. I turned on some music and my mood seemed better. I think I just needed a few days to feel really bad for me. For it to be ok that I was sad, mad, frustrated. To not worry what everyone else would think if I just felt sorry for myself for a while. I made it through yet another date. I will make it through more and someday hopefully I will be able to remember as I am holding my baby in my arms.
Thanks to hubby for not calling the loony bin on me.