Yesterday I did my usual visit with my sis and my nephews. We usually spend Saturday's together. I love spending the time with my nephews. They amaze me all the time. They are so cute. They just got back from Florida and Jo.ey was telling me about his trip and he said that he missed me. Melted my heart. My sis was telling me about the boat ride from Hell they went on. You see last year we went to Florida and we went on a boat to see dolphins. It was an awesome ride. It was just us on the oat and we got some amazing pictures. This time she booked a sunset cruise without thinking. So it was a bunch of couples looking for a romantic ride and then her, her husband, and her kids. Not so romantic. Anyway, the boat driver made everyone stay in their seats for the entire time, which is not something a 3 and 1 year old like to do. Anyway she was holding them both and one reached into her pocket, pulled out a piece of paper and the brand new cell phone which then preceded to fall to the bottom of the ocean. LOL. Jo.ey was so upset because he felt so bad. He said "don't worry mama, daddy and I will just go to the store and buy you a new one. that's all we have to do." Aww you can't really be mad at that. Now when you call her cell it says " you have reached me at the bottom of the ocean..." ROFL.
Anyway, she told me they decided while they were in Florida to not have any more kids. My thought was, Great! I am such a terrible person. Why would I think that? I was just so happy that I do not have to worry about getting the call hearing my younger sis is pregnant again with her 3rd while I am still sitting here trying to have 1. Every time she says "guess what?" or "I have something to tell you." my heart sinks. At least now (until they change their mind) I do not have to worry about that. I hate that I think that way. I hate it, hate it, hate it!
18 comments:
oh girl...that doesn't make you a terrible person. how are you supposed to deal with stuff like that when you are going through IF? you are NORMAL :)
I agree with April. I would've freaked out if my sister told me she was pregnant (especially since I know she's on birth control). Here from ICLW.
The same thing has happened to me. I want to be a good person, but I have the hardest time being genuinely happy for other people and their pregnancies. Not only am I infertile but I have apparently also turned evil.
Its hard to feel that way but it seems to be our heart and mind's way of protecting us. {{{Hugs}}}
ITA with Kristin. You are not bad, you just have to protect your heart while you navigate IF. I think you do an excellent job of bonding with your nephews during this really difficult phase of your life. You are to be commended, they obviously love you, and for good reason!
To put this in perspective...how would you react to this type of information from someone that wan't your relative. Exactly the same, right? So, you have always been happy for her cause she's your sis, but you gut reaction is still there - and totally ok!
I agree with the other commenters. I think most of us who have been thru this understand that sentiment. I think it makes us all feel less alone when we know that one more person on earth isn't producing babies. A natural human reaction.
I agree. It doesn't make you evil. It is an honest human reaction to something that is so heartbreaking to so many of us. It doesn't make anyone evil to think that way orr take away the fact that we love the children that are in our lives.
OMG that is too funny, I can almost picture that scence with my own son.
I know the feeling, I was actually trying to talk my sister out of TTC, she'd only been married 3 months. I was filled with conflicting emotions. I love her and want her happy. I just know I can't do what she did.
Too funny! I just picture the cell phone ringing at the bottom of the sea:)
I would also have a feeling of relief to hear that there is no longer a possibility of seeing my sister pg:( Don't beat yourself up over it. ICLW
OMG, the cell phone thing is awful but hilarious! I probably would have jumped in the water after mine because I feel like my entire life is in my phone. I don't even know my husband's work number -- it's just speed-dial #3!
You are not a bad person for not wanting to hear pg news from your sister, and for your sake I'm glad you don't have to. We all go through this! I am currently feeling so guilty because a friend of mine has been trying to reach me since June (seriously), and because I know from Facebook that he and his wife are pregnant, I avoid him. Eventually I'm just going to have to tell him what's up and it's going to suck. Anyway, don't stress about it. Just one of the many sucky things about IF.
Oh my goodness! You're clearly a wonderful auntie (and that would be really hard for many of us!) and as others have said, your feelings are human, maybe a way to protect yourself, all of the above.
My (adopted) daughter is seven and I still have those pangs of jealousy!
You aren't a terrible person you are a NORMAL HUMAN BEING! Trust me I was THRILLED when my older sister had her tubes tied!
Your sisters new voice mail message is hysterical. Love it.
It does not make you a terrible person! I completely understand your feelings.
I'm waiting for my brother and his g/f to tell us, "Oops, we did it again!" anytime now. I'm sure it won't be long... I don't like sitting on that dread, or thinking that... but I think it's normal. It's almost like a natural instinct, a self defense mechanism maybe? I'm not sure ... but sending you hugs.
I know what you mean. My baby sister had a baby this past March and it felt so strange. I remember right before we adopted her my mom kept telling me she would bet that she had a baby before I did (I was 17 and didn't figure my mom was trying to adopt). Now here's my sister 21 years later having a baby and I still don't have one. I even did a moment a couple months ago where my best friend who is my age and definitely done having children did the "Guess what my surprise is" and my response was please don't tell me your pregnant. She looked at me a little odd. Turns out her and her husband were buying a new sailboat.
Infertility can do crazy stuff to a person and make them feel things that they never would have thought before. You are definitely not alone in having thoughts like those and it's totally normal.
That does not make you a terrible person at all, it makes you human.
Hugs hugs,
Kahla
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