Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Head vs Heart

I look at "them" and think..."do they know how lucky they are?" Do "they" take it for granted? Do they appreciate every ache and pain? every nauseous morning? every sleepless night? I think of this every time I look at a pregnant woman passing me in the hall or standing with me in the elevator. I hate that I think this. I hate that I own this bitterness. That I some how think just because someone got pregnant that because "they" did not "earn" it or work for it as hard as I am that somehow they are less deserving. What does that make me? Someone I do not want to be...

Who knows maybe they did "earn" it and tried for years to get pregnant. Maybe they paid thousands of dollars for their 1 miracle or maybe they didn't. I should not assume. I should not judge. It does not matter how they became pregnant, had their baby, whether they appreciate it or not. None of that matters. None of that is what I am really talking about here...

If you read between the lines, look deep into my heart what I am really asking but I don't want to admit is...what did they do that I am not doing?...what makes them more deserving then me?...will I ever be a mom?

Just saying that takes my breath away a little. The thought that I will never know what it is like to have someone call me mom scares the hell out of me. My head knows nobody is more or less deserving. My head knows outer appearance is not necessarily a reflection of what is going on. You never really know what someone is going through. They may be thinking about me..."does she know how lucky she is?" My head knows these things but my heart is a different story. My heart wants a reason, a justification for the pain. My heart wants a timeline. When will the pain end? When will all that it has yearned for, all that it has hoped for, all that is broken for come to be? When will it be whole again?...the answer my brain does not have. So therefore my heart tries to make a deal. If I do this then I can have that. Maybe if I am more like her or not like her then and only then my dream will come true. It's a futile attempt. I know it will never work...well at least my brain knows. Someone just needs to let my heart know. Believe me I've tried...it's not a very good listener.

8 comments:

Kalina said...

This is exactly what my heart feels when my eyes look away from pregnant women or Moms with prams.
Darling, you are not alone. We'll get there one day.
Hugs

C said...

Everything you are going through is so natural and normal, but I know that's not a comfort! My journey wasn't as long as yours, but I still feel alienated from other moms. I feel like I didn't share their experience of conception and pregnancy, that I am somehow "less" than they are because I needed help. (Which is ridiculous, because of course I don't think of anyone else going through infertility as "less" -- I perceived them actually as stronger than other women -- but for me I have that double standard.) Interestingly enough, in our preschool class, we went around the room and shared pregnancy/birth stories. I was amazed to hear of infertility and heartbreak that many of the other moms had experienced too. It was a good reminder to me that you can never assume.

Dora said...

I feel the same way.

Lately I've been thinking, if I do get pg, will it hurt other women to look at me?

Cara said...

Well you know how I feel Michelle. I respect every step and emotion you have to endure to get your baby, and if others then look and wonder...let them. That's their road.

Monica LeMoine said...

I think the answer is no, they don't know how lucky they are. I don't think we ever know how lucky we are until we've undergone loss. It's that grief-turns-into-gratitude thing again. I think we always have things that others don't, and that we take for granted. Take being happily married, for instance. I have so many single friends in their 30s and early 40s who are like, do you have any ideas how much it sucks to be dating at this age?!! I totally take having my hot, awesome man for granted.

JamieD said...

I have never understood how my head and my heart can be so close to each other and suck so bad at communication. It is mind-boggling.

Kahla said...

I've been on both sides since having Chase. I always wondered if others were hurt being around me when I was pg. But then they had no clue what we had gone through or how we had lost a twin. IF just gets you in every way possible doesn't it. Even though I have him I still feel all those same things when I look at others. In fact, I work with a teacher that is due three days before I was with the twins we just lost. It KILLS me to look at her and yet she has no clue. Hang in there, we can get through this with our friends!

Sarah said...

I feel the same way. Except in one of these instances, I know this mom didnt work for it...I know she didnt even want it. She takes it all for granted. All of it. The nausea, the weight gain, the ultrasounds, the heartbeat. She is un-phased. It kills me.
It kills me that we(the infertiles) bang our heads against the wall, spend every dime we have, go through heartbreak after heart break every month and yet we keep trying, we want it so badly. But the people who have it(yes, I KNOW not all are this way) couldnt care less.
Its even harder when its a friend.