Which way do I go?

So, I am sorry that I have been silent as of late but I have been really having a hard time. It has not been a "normal" hard time for me. One where I feel the need to discuss and discuss and make plans and try to figure every thing out. I mean I have been doing that just not the discussing part of it. I have been battling it out in my brain. Some days I am winning and other days not so much. I regret to say that even here on my blog, the one place where I swore I would always say what is on my mind. I came here and said everything was fine. I wrote it hoping that maybe saying it here would just make it true...it has not.

I mean I did have a nice Easter but what I did not say was that all day I felt like I was teetering on the edge. Anything made me want to cry. We went to my sisters in the morning for brunch and the thought of going to my MILs later that day was making me sick to my stomach. All I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed and stay there. I didn't because I really did not feel like explaining why I was not going to show up. So I sucked it up and it was nice. My MIL got a new Ip.ad so I spent a lot of time playing with that, which btw it is really cool, and we played outside with my nephews. It turned out to be an ok day but I did not talk much that day. I was afraid to open my mouth too much. Afraid I was going to burst into tears and look like a crazy person.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have let my husband down...I have let myself down and I do not know where to go from here. I understand that I am not alone that many people are going through the same things that I am  going through. I KNOW I am not alone but I FEEL so LONELY!

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and very jittery. I hate this feeling. I have suffered from panic attacks in the past and they are not fun. I have since learned how to handle them and I have not had a full out panic attack in a while but lately it feels like it is coming. It is not a good feeling. It is hard to describe to anyone that has not been through it.

I said here I went to my friends house and we celebrated her b-day. We had fun...a lot of fun! But what I did not say was that someone asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. It only lasted for a few minutes but I do not know where it came from. I did not say for the 1st time I felt a huge divide between me and my closest friends. I felt really left out. They all have kids and have grown up together. I mean I have been friends with them for 15 years but this is the 1st time I felt different. Nothing specific happened to make me feel this way. No one said anything. Everyone was caring and understanding and we laughed and laughed but still I felt like an outsider and that sucked!

I guess a lot lately I feel like an outsider to my life. Like things are going out of control and I have no way to stop it. The weird thing is I do not feel depressed I just feel anxious. I feel like my head is going in a million directions and I do not know how to get it going one direction. I fear making the wrong decision. I want to take the shortest path to my ultimate goal but it is really hard when I can not even see the path at all.

I am frustrated and I am angry. I just wish someone could say do this...go here...do that...and all will be fine. Unfortunately nobody can do that. I just need to take a deep breath and realize that this too will pass. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I just really wish I knew what the reason was.

So that is what has been going on with me. I hope all is well with you and I will be catching up with all of you this week.

xxoo

Ditto!!!

Almost exactly a year ago I wrote this post. I think this year I can pretty much just say "ditto" and be done with it. Still no baby bump and in fact I have had one of the crappiest years I can remember in a long time.

Christmas time is here again and I do not have any great announcement to make. No relief to be felt that this will be our last childless Christmas. I feel this year I am further away then ever. How can I have gone through this for 9, almost 10 years, and feel further from my goal today then I did last year. It is frustrating to say the least. To watch, what seems like everyone, move on...have their dreams come true...yet here I can sit and read a post from a year ago and still be in the same place or further back. ( I know not everyone. I know there are many of you just like me. I am so sorry for that.)

Maybe I should try reverse psychology on 2010. Maybe I should wish for the worst year ever and then maybe the opposite will happen. At least if I wish for the worst year ever, anything that happens remotely good will be a step up, and I won't be disappointed.


xxoo

My HeartAches

I have so many things on mind lately but I haven't been able to really figure out how to get them into words. I can put down one sentence and then I am stuck...

I feel lonely yet I am not alone. I am surrounded by people who love me yet I have this aching loneliness that won't go away. I hesitate to write that because I don't want to hurt those around me like they are not enough for me or something, because that is not it. I don't want DH to ever feel like I am not happy with him because if I had a choice of being with him and never having kids or not being with him and having kids...I would choose him everyday of the week and twice on Sunday's... But my heart still aches.

It is an ache that I can't even describe because nothing seems to do it justice. Sometimes it just takes my breath away. I just read a post that I had started but did not finish. It was just 2 days before we put Katie Jo down. It talked about how good she was doing. It makes my heart ache for her even more. I feel like people are thinking...just get over it already...but I can't right now. In my world, there are no babies, I only have my fur babies, and I just lost one.

On the outside I am fine...on the inside my mind is spinning, my heart is broken and I just do not have a clue on how to fix either of those things. In a review of the last year of my life, it has pretty much sucked! I fell and hurt my back pretty bad. No babies. People I thought were my friends stabbed me in the back. I lost my job. No babies. I lost my car. I lost my dog. I may lose my house. Did I mention no babies? and no hope for one anytime soon? I'm one year older but feel like I am going backwards (hey, maybe I could write a country song). Yet with all these things I still feel like a whiny brat because I know so many people have it so much worse. I should count my blessings...I do have many. Yet right now the record in my head is skipping at "Why me?". I don't know how to get unstuck. You would think after 9 years of this infertility CRAP I would be a pro.

Maybe just typing this out and finally getting it out of my head will help. What do you do when you are stuck and feeling down, to feel better?

Sorry if this sounded like a jumbled mess but that is what my mind feels like lately.

I had dreams

Ok so I was watchin' "here Come.s the New1yweds5" last night. Yes I know some quality TV but I have already admitted to my reality TV addiction. Anyway was watchin' last night and they had questions about where they would be at there 10 year anniversary and then had the men dress up as old people and do a video for there wives for their 40th anniversary. It was suppose to be funny but to me it made me sad. Unexpectedly I had tears falling thinking I am coming up on my 9th wedding and TTC anniversary in a couple of weeks and I am NO WHERE near where I thought we would be by our 10th anniversary. Yea I have a year to go but unless I have some freak octo mom like experience I don't think I will be there.

I have always wanted a lot of kids. At least 4 has been my dream. Now they have been modified. My dreams, year by year, get less and less. At this point I would be ecstatic with 1! What is it you were always told as a kid? Never give up on your dream...never settle for less...if you try hard enough you can have anything you want. HAH I laugh [read cry] at that. Everyone spends time preaching to teens about how you can get pregnant with just one mistake so use protection. (rightfully so) but still no one prepared me for the heart break with trying hundreds or thousands of times and it not working! No one prepared for the ultimate feeling of failure that I feel. I can't just try hard enough and make a baby. I had dreams...

What do you do when you are terrified that they won't come true?