In honor of our anniversary yesterday I thought I would tell our story.
My husband and I both started working at the pizza shop on the same day. He is 7 years older then me and while I thought he was a nice guy I never really was very interested in him. We hung out together because everyone at the pizza place always hung out. We went to the bar after work. We played cards, shot pool...stuff like that. Well one day in July my boss was standing next to me and he was across the room and she said..."if you don't ask her out I am going to do it for you!" I was thinking what the hell is she talking about. A few minutes later he came over and asked me out. I said "yes" but I really just did it to be nice. I thought we would go on 1 date and then that would be the end of it.
We ended up going on a couple dates and then he was talking about my birthday which would be n February. I remember thinking...:I don't know what he is talking about. I am not going to be with him in 7 months." Then he basically started staying at my apartment every night. He kept his place with his brother but we pretty much lived together right away.
He did not want to get married ever. He said he had bad examples as a kid and did not want his to turn out that way. I waited. After about 5 years I told him..." Either we are getting married some day or we are ending our relationship. I am not going to waste any more time with someone who does not want to get married. If that is not something you ever want to do then just tell me." A couple weeks later he asked me to marry him.
We had a long engagement because we had to pay for the wedding ourselves. We had a small (80 people) wedding and it was nice. I liked it that way because then I could spend the time with the people in my life that I cared about the most. Planning a wedding was so stressful! I hated it and was so glad when it was over!
We went to Orl.ando for our honeymoon because they had just opened a place where you could swim the dolphins and that is where I wanted to go. We did not quite think ahead because we should have booked that place long before we went because when we got there we could not get in. We both love amusement parks so we had a blast in Or.lando anyway except one thing...IT WAS FREAKIN' HOT!!!!
Naively I thought I would get pregnant on my honeymoon and all would be happy ever after but as we all know that did not happen. Here we are 9 years later in the same place with a 4 losses behind us but would I trade it and be with someone else...NEVER!
My husband is the GREATEST man I have ever known! We perfectly balance each other out. Where I am stressed and on edge. He is calm and collected. Where I am emotional he can be logical. He makes me laugh and feel secure. It truly amazes me every day that we found each other. I think going through all this crap has made us stronger and better together. I love him with all my heart and soul and I never ever want to be with anyone else and I KNOW he feels the same about me.
Happy Anniversary!!! I love you!
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Updates and EDDs
Today I went to see my doctor. They did an x-ray to see if I had any kidney stones and will tell me on Monday the results of that. She also did a pelvic exam and she pushed on my stomach and it felt more like she was stabbing me in the stomach. I actually cried out because of it. It surprised me because I have not been having abdominal pain at all. It has all been in my back. She said maybe it is referred pain and that is why the shots and everything else are not working. I am going to get a CT scan next Thursday to check my abdomen and pelvic area. It would be ironic if something was wrong in the pelvic area because I spend a lot of my time having ultrasounds in that area and now I have been on break since July and now there would be something wrong there? That would just be very weird. I do know though it should not feel like someone is stabbing me when doing that exam. So I guess I will have to deal with this for at least another week. The only reason I have to wait so long is because my insurance company can't approve the procedure until then. WTF? I just do not understand insurance companies most of the time. If my doctor says I need it then let me do it. It is not because I am going there to have fun and I have nothing else better to do. It just drives me crazy! I am sick of dealing with this and I want it fixed. I have done PT a couple times this week and I am also doing exercises at home so hopefully eventually I will feel better.
These last couple weeks I have had 2 EDD come and go. I did not really think of them at the time. I think because of all the pain I have been in. But I have been thinking about them the last couple days. If I would not have had my ectopic in July I would have a baby right now. I would be holding him/her. I would be loving and adoring him/her but now I am just stuck with what could of, SHOULD of been. I have been having a lot of dreams lately about babies and having babies. Some of them have been very weird. Maybe I will share sometime soon but I think I have been having them because of what I am missing right now.
My dearest Angels,
I just want to know how much I love you. Even though I never got to hold you or see you. Even though you were with me for only a short time I want you to know that I hold enough love in my heart for you for a whole lifetime. I think about you often and I wish it could have been different. I hope someday I will see you and be able to hold you but for now I will have to settle for seeing you in my dreams and holding you in my heart.
Love always,
Mommy
These last couple weeks I have had 2 EDD come and go. I did not really think of them at the time. I think because of all the pain I have been in. But I have been thinking about them the last couple days. If I would not have had my ectopic in July I would have a baby right now. I would be holding him/her. I would be loving and adoring him/her but now I am just stuck with what could of, SHOULD of been. I have been having a lot of dreams lately about babies and having babies. Some of them have been very weird. Maybe I will share sometime soon but I think I have been having them because of what I am missing right now.
My dearest Angels,
I just want to know how much I love you. Even though I never got to hold you or see you. Even though you were with me for only a short time I want you to know that I hold enough love in my heart for you for a whole lifetime. I think about you often and I wish it could have been different. I hope someday I will see you and be able to hold you but for now I will have to settle for seeing you in my dreams and holding you in my heart.
Love always,
Mommy
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Death of a Dream
4 years ago! January 14th, 2005! That is when it happened...my first of several miscarriages. 4 years ago that day I thought was the worst day of my life...little did I know it would get worse.
It was the death of a dream. A dream that I thought had finally become realized. I had been trying for 4 years and never saw the beautiful 2 lines. When I finally did I thought "thats it! My nightmare is over". Unfortunately it was just beginning. My sister had found out she was pregnant like a month or so prior. She was on a cruise and I could not wait to tell her. We were going to be pregnant together. Our children would be close like siblings...oh it was going to be so much fun! I remember that it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally free...free to be happy because now I would be complete. I had entered into the adult world. I was no longer a kid playing "grown-up".
When I look back on it, I think it was one of the happiest times of my life. I was finally going to have my baby I had longed for for so long. My body worked, I was not broken anymore. I had such plans...oh how naive I was...
When they called to say my beta had dropped...I just remember letting out a scream at the top of my lungs...NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE DON"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! They were wrong I just knew they had to be wrong. Maybe my first numbers were wrong, maybe the second...one of them HAD TO BE WRONG! I made my DH take me to the ER. I wanted them to do a blood test there and find out what the numbers were...he knew the dr was right but he took me...I think he would have done anything on that day...anything that would have taken the pain away from me, even though he was feeling it too.
We went to the ER and I pretended like I did not know a thing. I didn't want them to think I was some crazy person in denial...because I WASN"T! The doctors just had it all WRONG!!! So they hooked me up to the catheter and then wheeled me down to do an ultrasound. I laid there trying so hard to read the techs face. Was that blink she just had a good blink? the breath she just took was that out of relief? Please, please just tell me you see my baby and he/she is fine...TELL ME!!! Of course she didn't. they must train those ultrasound techs in the hospital really well because I could not tell a thing by her face. The dr came in and said they did not see much on the ultrasound but it was too early. Then he told my the numbers and said "it was a threatened miscarriage" and to go home and make an appointment with my DR...there was still hope he said. But he didn't know what I knew. When I heard the numbers...152 much, much lower then the 704 from the call that morning. I knew that ALL HOPE HAD BEEN LOST! In that moment even more so then that morning a piece of me died! And I wanted the rest of me to die too.
I cried and I screamed more then I thought possible for one person. I stared off into space just mumbling to my self...I HURT! I HURT! PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE IT GO AWAY! To make matters worse it was January 14th which also happens to be my DH birthday. What a SHITTY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I felt bad for him because I knew his birthday would always be remembered as one of the worst days of our lives. I was so sad about that but I couldn't change it.
I did not know how I would go on. How I could ever smile again? How I could watch people living normal happy lives while I was living in such pain. But I did...somehow I just did.
Even though I was only pregnant for a few short weeks I loved that baby as if he/she were here for a whole lifetime. I still do! Along with my three other angels. I remember all the dates, the EDD, the miscarriage dates, but this one is always the hardest because it was THE DAY! The day where I realized that just getting the 2 lines did not mean I would have a baby. My dreams were going to be so much harder to obtain then I originally thought. The dreams I had of infertility just being a "story" I would tell about how I dealt with it for a little while but overcame it were gone. I was changed...
It was the death of a dream. A dream that I thought had finally become realized. I had been trying for 4 years and never saw the beautiful 2 lines. When I finally did I thought "thats it! My nightmare is over". Unfortunately it was just beginning. My sister had found out she was pregnant like a month or so prior. She was on a cruise and I could not wait to tell her. We were going to be pregnant together. Our children would be close like siblings...oh it was going to be so much fun! I remember that it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally free...free to be happy because now I would be complete. I had entered into the adult world. I was no longer a kid playing "grown-up".
When I look back on it, I think it was one of the happiest times of my life. I was finally going to have my baby I had longed for for so long. My body worked, I was not broken anymore. I had such plans...oh how naive I was...
When they called to say my beta had dropped...I just remember letting out a scream at the top of my lungs...NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE DON"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! They were wrong I just knew they had to be wrong. Maybe my first numbers were wrong, maybe the second...one of them HAD TO BE WRONG! I made my DH take me to the ER. I wanted them to do a blood test there and find out what the numbers were...he knew the dr was right but he took me...I think he would have done anything on that day...anything that would have taken the pain away from me, even though he was feeling it too.
We went to the ER and I pretended like I did not know a thing. I didn't want them to think I was some crazy person in denial...because I WASN"T! The doctors just had it all WRONG!!! So they hooked me up to the catheter and then wheeled me down to do an ultrasound. I laid there trying so hard to read the techs face. Was that blink she just had a good blink? the breath she just took was that out of relief? Please, please just tell me you see my baby and he/she is fine...TELL ME!!! Of course she didn't. they must train those ultrasound techs in the hospital really well because I could not tell a thing by her face. The dr came in and said they did not see much on the ultrasound but it was too early. Then he told my the numbers and said "it was a threatened miscarriage" and to go home and make an appointment with my DR...there was still hope he said. But he didn't know what I knew. When I heard the numbers...152 much, much lower then the 704 from the call that morning. I knew that ALL HOPE HAD BEEN LOST! In that moment even more so then that morning a piece of me died! And I wanted the rest of me to die too.
I cried and I screamed more then I thought possible for one person. I stared off into space just mumbling to my self...I HURT! I HURT! PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE IT GO AWAY! To make matters worse it was January 14th which also happens to be my DH birthday. What a SHITTY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I felt bad for him because I knew his birthday would always be remembered as one of the worst days of our lives. I was so sad about that but I couldn't change it.
I did not know how I would go on. How I could ever smile again? How I could watch people living normal happy lives while I was living in such pain. But I did...somehow I just did.
Even though I was only pregnant for a few short weeks I loved that baby as if he/she were here for a whole lifetime. I still do! Along with my three other angels. I remember all the dates, the EDD, the miscarriage dates, but this one is always the hardest because it was THE DAY! The day where I realized that just getting the 2 lines did not mean I would have a baby. My dreams were going to be so much harder to obtain then I originally thought. The dreams I had of infertility just being a "story" I would tell about how I dealt with it for a little while but overcame it were gone. I was changed...
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