LWIDWOAK

So for this installment of LWIDWOAK it is not going to be as exciting as this one.
Anyway, it's the simple things that I get to experience on a regular basis that are LWIDWOAK moments. For example...I get to sleep in on the weekends, in fact if I never want to get out of PJ's that is ok because I CAN. I can stay up late because I do not have to worry about the kids waking me up at 6:00 am. If I want to go somewhere I can go at a moments notice...no kids to get ready. I can walk through the store without hearing "mommy, can I have (place toy or candy of your choice)". I can watch anything I want. I can watch R rated movies or scary movies without worrying if the kids are asleep. I don't know all the kids shows and movies by heart because I haven't watched them 20 times. I can have sex whenever and where ever I choose. I don't have to pay for daycare or babysitters. I can drink myself silly if I want for no apparent reason. I could go out all night if I choose to (I don't but if I wanted to I could). And last but not least...No poopy diapers to change (this is a big bonus)!

These are the things I appreciate in between the longing for a child. I am sure you all know I would trade these all in a second and love every minute of it but while I don't have any kids I might as well enjoy these moments because hopefully they won't last.

Check out what Monica did without a kid here. (I know I am a little late but better late then never)

Favorite things Friday

Wow this week has been one hell of a week for me at work! I have been so so busy...I mean really don't they understand I have a lot of blog reading to do. The Creme De La Creme List came out on January 1st and I want to read...not work. Oh well, that's work for you they do not understand the important things in life...

Anyway, as I am sure you guessed this week my favorite thing is The Creme de La Creme. It is just filled with the most beautiful, heart wrenching, funny, happy, sad, hope filled, and meaningful posts! It is everyone's best post for 2008. I can't stop reading and since work does not seem to understand, I stay up late just to read. I am trying to move slower because I do not want it to end but the good thing is new ones keep getting added. YAY. If you haven't checked it out then please go over and read the greatest post from the ALI community. And if you are not on the list pick your best post and add it because I can't wait to read!

Happy reading all!

PS Please see my blurb above this post. Don't forget to vote for Mel! She deserves all of our support!

A winter poem for you

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written.




"WINTER"
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre






SHIT IT IS COLD!!!!!!

The End

I am one of "those people"

Ever since July...July 3rd 2008 to be exact. I feel like I have crossed over. Crossed an imaginary line that I had been inching towards for many years but thought I would never get to let alone cross. That is the imaginary line I drew in my mind between the numbers 3 and 4. Why that number? I am not so sure. 1 is too many if you ask me but it is something that in my mind was the point of no return. The time where I would really start worrying. Not that I didn't before...worry that is. I am a professional worrier but I mean REALLY worry about never being able to produce a live baby. After my first mc, while I was devastated, it was just an early mc. People have them all the time..at least that is what I told myself to make me feel better. Then the second one was a rare ectopic...that was just some crazy thing that happened...a 1 in a million shot and it just happened to me. Then I had my 3rd and I started thinking what if I am one of "those people", you know the ones everyone looks at when they first start IF and pray they never become. The one that has been trying for year after year, mc after mc, the ones that even the IFers pity. The ones you say there are so many advances today that will never be me. Surely God would not allow that to happen to me. I mean I have paid my "dues". I have been through this whole IF thing and I just really am over it now. Really...let's get back to the way my life should be, the way I had it planned. I remember thinking I could not possibly be one of "those" people there is no way that I could go on after all that...it takes a strong person and I just don't have that.

Then July 3rd hit and I feel I have crossed over, at least in my mind that is what it feels like. I have gone from thinking those were a few bumps in my road...I have PCOS after all...to now feeling it is ACTUALLY a REAL POSSIBILITY that I may never have a child of my own. My doctor, my family, my friends assure me it won't happen...that I will have my own child but me...I am not so sure and in fact I am terrified of it. I have found though...that while terrified I am also a lot stronger then I thought I was, I have a lot better marriage then I thought I would or could have after going through all this. The true people in my life have emerged the ones I can count on. So now I AM one OF "THOSE" PEOPLE the ones I feared the most...and guess what...






It SUCKS!!!!!!



But I'm still here and some day(hopefully) I will also be one of "them"...the ones that went through all the pain and came out the other side with a baby and a deeper appreciation for being a parent and life...At least that is my plan...

Favorite things Friday....among other things

Um, I still have 9 minutes left. I know it's a little late but I am hooked to my new favorite thing. After New Years Eve I went out the next day and bought Gui.tar Her.o. I love it and I can't seem to stop playing. However, I have to stop now because my neck and wrists started aching so I am here getting caught up.

I did not ever think I would like this game. I mean look at how long it took me to play it. What has been a couple years this has been out. But I do I love it! It is addicting and the funny thing is my husband likes it but doesn't care really one way or the other. We have 2 guitars...we got a great deal...and we have been playing with and against each other and it has been fun...well except tonight he hasn't really played.

I came home from work and he was still in bed. He is off work for 4 days and it was 5:30 and he was still in bed. I was like "uh, do you think you could get up now" and then he said "well, I have had the worst headache" and so I have been trying to sleep it off. He said it was really really bad. That statement just made me freeze and sent me into panic mode. He said he was trying to avoid that and that is why he did not call me at work. In retrospect that was probably a good idea but I though he should have called. You may ask "why would a bad headache send someone into panic mode"...well you see in my DH's family aneurysms run wild. He has had like 4 family members die from brain aneurysms and his dad that survived. So it scares the shit out of me. Every time he gets a headache I am constantly checking on him to see if he is breathing. I hate it! One time we had to take him to the hospital because he couldn't stand up straight or see straight and he was throwing up. They did a MRI and told him it was just a migraine. The thing that scares me is there is no way to tell if it is just your run of the mill migraine or something more serious and again it scares the shit out of me. I know I may be overreacting but that is what I do. I am a professional at worrying.

He feels better now but I still worry.

Anyway, well it is now after 12:00 but I started before so it still counts. If you haven't tried Gui.tar Her.o, you should it is a lot of fun...or maybe you shouldn't if you want to get anything done. LOL I hope you all have a great weekend.

2009 is here!

My dear friend 2009,

I have been looking forward to you for a while now. Much like I did your evil twin 2008 or your cousins 2007, 2006, and 2005. They did not live up to my expectations. On several occasions they rally pissed me off as a matter of fact. So I am sending you a note as kind of a warning so you will not make the same mistakes as they did. For example (and I will use 2008 for more recent examples), when I am taking injections and do a trigger shot it is really not a good April fools joke to give me kidney stones at the EXACT time I am suppose to "do it"...really not funny at all. Also, and even worse still do not then let me find out I am pregnant as kind of a fluke only to find out the next day that I am having a miscarriage and then 2 days later find out it is another ectopic. This is not exactly my idea of a great time. Another good thing to avoid would be the taking of any lives of any of my family, extended family, or friends. These people are very important to me and I would like them all to stay around. On the job front I would like to avoid the roller coaster ride that was 2008 and just have everything calm down. The wondering all the time if I will have a job or not can really be exhausting. As a side note to this my dearest 2009 if you could find a way to throw some extra money my way I would very much appreciate it. I have a lot of things coming up such as taxes, my lease is expiring and I will probably need IVF so I could really use some extra funds. If the extra funds for IVF is a little too much then please just have the last round of injections I am planning work with a live baby resulting from said injections. If that happens then 2009 you and I can become the best of friends.

So in closing 2009 I have heard some good things about you. Your refrences have all been good. I have high hopes for you and I do not want to have to be talking to your supervisor, 2010, about what a crappy job you did. So lets work together to make this a happy and enjoyable year. Thank you.

Love always,

To Baby and Beyond



So it's finally 2009. It's 1:30 and I home in my pajamas already. Man I think I am getting old. There was a time that we would just be really getting started but tonight it was like we all could not wait for midnight. Don't get me wrong we had a BLAST tonight. I ate and I ate and I ate some more then we played my new found love "Gui.tar He.ro". Seriously tomorrow I am trying to get this for my PS2.

Anyway, as I have said many times before I am so happy it is 2009 but tonight when I was saying goodnight to DH (poor guy has been up since 2:30 am...he was tired). I said the usual I love you and was walking away. Some how at that moment my heart told me that was not enough so I said " I am truly a lucky person to have found you. I mean in all of this world you are the one that makes me happy. We have been through some tough times but they have made us stronger. It has made us love each other deeper and for that I am truly thankful". To that being the oh so romantic person he is he said "yeah I know". We laughed and now he is sawing logs.

But tonight I felt really deeply how much I love him. How much I really am looking forward to spending another year with him, whether all my dreams come true or not I will always know that one of them did come true about 15 years ago and for that I am so blessed.