What I want to BE most in this life I am not! Why? I ask this question so many times. Is it because I am not a good enough wife, sister, daughter, Aunt, friend, niece, granddaughter, or woman? Would I not make a good mother? I don't think that is it. At least I hope that is not it...
I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short. Because of this I have a higher then normal chance of miscarriage. I have been told 40-60% chance to be exact but in my case it happens to be 100%. I have been pregnant 4 times and lost the baby 4 times. I think often of my angels. What would they be like? Would they have my husbands contagious laugh? My blue eyes? Would they grow up to be a ballerina? a football player? the president? Is the once future president up in heaven now never to run the world but to play with the other babies? To wait for me? To watch over me? Did I fail them somehow? Where are they? I want them here. I have too many unanswered questions.
Infertility and miscarriage have robbed me. Robbed me of the happiness I once felt. The security of my future. It has removed the "rose colored" glasses and shown me gray. A gray that envelops my life like a dense fog that won't lift.
The things that most people take joy in, a pregnancy, a baby being born, children laughing, the new spring, the fall colors, are all just reminders to me. Reminders of what could have been. What might never be...
I no longer look forward to being pregnant. I am terrified! I don't want to feel the pain of miscarriage ever again! But the fear of never having children terrifies me more. So I move forward...Begging, hoping, praying. And I chip away at the gray like a sculptor with a new mound of clay. Working at it tirelessly molding, scraping, forming. Until one day my dream will be formed and out of the gray, life will become colorful again!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow (kids mentioned)
Another day in paradise! More snow, more cold. It is just crazy all the snow we are getting here this year. We got about another 7 inches today. I am so sick of it! I guess at least today it is not -12 degrees like yesterday.
Anyway, went to sis's house this morning to help out a little. She is getting around a little better so that is good news. Hopefully it will just keep getting better and better. BIL's tooth is doing a little better too so thanks to everyone for the well wishes. My nephews were so cute today. I guess it would be no different then any other day. I just love them to pieces. I can't believe No.ah is going to be 2 in a couple months. He is at such a great age! He will just call my name over and over again and I just love it. Jo.ey is getting better at sharing unless of course you are talking about his trains and that would be a whole other story. He is so polite it is cute. When I was over there the other night my mom asked him to find his sippy cup and he said they were downstairs but he couldn't go because the light was not on. I told him I would turn it on and we could go look. So we go downstairs and they are not down their. So Jo.ey is walking up the stairs and saying "I.m sorry Gramma they are not down there. Im sorry I just don't know where they are." How cute is that?
Anyway, then we went to MIL's house to have some cake and ice cream for DH's b-day. We played some W.ii and had fun but I am glad to be home. Now we are just relaxing and trying to stay warm.
Nothing very exciting going on which I guess could be a good thing. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Thanks to the readers who delurked. Again I love your comments so keep em coming.
Anyway, went to sis's house this morning to help out a little. She is getting around a little better so that is good news. Hopefully it will just keep getting better and better. BIL's tooth is doing a little better too so thanks to everyone for the well wishes. My nephews were so cute today. I guess it would be no different then any other day. I just love them to pieces. I can't believe No.ah is going to be 2 in a couple months. He is at such a great age! He will just call my name over and over again and I just love it. Jo.ey is getting better at sharing unless of course you are talking about his trains and that would be a whole other story. He is so polite it is cute. When I was over there the other night my mom asked him to find his sippy cup and he said they were downstairs but he couldn't go because the light was not on. I told him I would turn it on and we could go look. So we go downstairs and they are not down their. So Jo.ey is walking up the stairs and saying "I.m sorry Gramma they are not down there. Im sorry I just don't know where they are." How cute is that?
Anyway, then we went to MIL's house to have some cake and ice cream for DH's b-day. We played some W.ii and had fun but I am glad to be home. Now we are just relaxing and trying to stay warm.
Nothing very exciting going on which I guess could be a good thing. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Thanks to the readers who delurked. Again I love your comments so keep em coming.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Favorite things Friday
Ok, OK I know this is a cheap favorite things but hey what can I say it's all I got right now. So one of my Favorite things is comments. I just love love love comments. It's like my crack and if it is then I am an addict! (hmmm I wonder if this qualifies as crack, does that mean I will get pregnant soon. Oh let's hope...BRING ON THE CRACK...lets see what kind of hits that gets me from Mr. Google). Any who, all you lurkers out there and I know you are out there...I see you on my stat counters... It is Delurking week so come on let me know you are there leave me a comment just to say Hi! I will come over to your blog and say Hi. You know I show you mine now you show me yours. I promise I don't bite...well maybe sometimes but that is whole other story for another day. Even if you don't have a blog I would love to hear from you. Come on I'm and addict and I need my fix!
Update from last post: Sis is doing ok. Went to doc today and they said to try physical therapy for 3 weeks (which I am pretty sure must be on ever page of the Dr handbook PSST: if patient comes in with ANYTHING suggest physical therapy...big commissions wink wink don't tell anyone) I swear every time I go for any pain that is what they suggest but in case you didn't know that costs some money. how about you show me the exercises and I will do them. I know it does work but I am just saying I don't have the time nor the money. Oh yea I forgot not talking about me...At least this is all work mens comp for Sis but still it does take time. But I guess if you can avoid surgery that would be a good thing.
BIL is still not feeling that great. They filled his tooth today so hopefully he is feeling better tomorrow. I am going over there in the morning to help out for a little while. Please keep them in your thoughts. Thank you all for you thoughts and prayers it is appreciated!
Thank you for leaving me comments. I just love all of you. You are the greatest!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Are we having fun yet?
Yesterday was a day full of such fun I know you will all be jealous (note the sarcasm). Well it started off as a normal day. Feeling sad (see previous post) trying to be cheery for hubby's birthday. Went to work. Had to do a ballet dance with the car situation...sometimes it is so hard to have only one car. Anyway remembered halfway through the morning we had to renew the plates on our car. Can't be late with that or they charge you a fee. So DH got off work went to his mom's to get money from her so he could get the plates. I get a call from my mom at 4:30 at work. That always gets my heart pumping because my mom rarely calls me (I usually call her) and she especially doesn't call me at work. She left a message so I called her back and she says...Um your sister is being taken to the hospital in an ambulance, she fell at work and she can't move. Can you go watch the kids so her DH can go to the hospital?
ME:What do you mean can't move? Like paralyzed can't move? Mom: I don't know Me: what did they say? Mom: She is going to the hospital I am not sure what happened. (My mom is always a huge wealth of information. Me: Well I don't have a car at the moment let me call DH and find out when he can be here.
Call DH he can't be at my work until 5:15. Roads are bad because it has been snowing all day. UGH! So I call mom and say I can be there at like 5:45 - 6:00. We hang up. She calls back and says just go to the hospital because her DH is picking up the kids and going there. She hurt her knee...don't know if it is broken but it is bad.
Ok I will be there asap and then we can just take the kids home. I am now sighing in relief that at least it's not the paralyzed can't move...it's the hurt knee can't move...big difference.
DH gets to work we are headed to the hospital...almost there and mom calls and says they are releasing her on crutches and she has to see a specialist...probably needs surgery...I am going to the house because her DH is in bad shape Me: huh? mom: His tooth is in pain and his face is swollen. (note: turns out by swollen she meant looks like he sucking on a softball). I felt so bad for him. Even more so then my sister at this point because I know that pain. Once you have that kind of toothache you never forget it because you would rather take pliers and rip all your teeth out one by one with no anesthetic on your own then deal with this pain.
So I meet them at her house. Mom and I and my DH fed the kids, cleaned the house, and got the kids in pj's and let BIL take some pain meds and try to go to sleep.
Now he is pain and my sis can not walk at all. 2 kids, 3 and 1, and I am not sure what they are going to do. Sis is holding out hope that it will just get better in a couple days but it does not sound like it. She can't put any pressure on it. She is hopefully going to a specialist tomorrow so we will know more then. BIL went to dentist and they had to hollow out the tooth and tomorrow they are going to fill it so hopefully he will start feeling better tomorrow. So all in all it was a great day...haha.
I feel bad for them. So all my internet friends if you could send prayers and/or good thoughts their way I would really appreciate it. They could use all they can get!
BTW Happy Birthday Hunny and you thought we weren't going to do anything fun on your birthday, silly you. LOL
ME:What do you mean can't move? Like paralyzed can't move? Mom: I don't know Me: what did they say? Mom: She is going to the hospital I am not sure what happened. (My mom is always a huge wealth of information. Me: Well I don't have a car at the moment let me call DH and find out when he can be here.
Call DH he can't be at my work until 5:15. Roads are bad because it has been snowing all day. UGH! So I call mom and say I can be there at like 5:45 - 6:00. We hang up. She calls back and says just go to the hospital because her DH is picking up the kids and going there. She hurt her knee...don't know if it is broken but it is bad.
Ok I will be there asap and then we can just take the kids home. I am now sighing in relief that at least it's not the paralyzed can't move...it's the hurt knee can't move...big difference.
DH gets to work we are headed to the hospital...almost there and mom calls and says they are releasing her on crutches and she has to see a specialist...probably needs surgery...I am going to the house because her DH is in bad shape Me: huh? mom: His tooth is in pain and his face is swollen. (note: turns out by swollen she meant looks like he sucking on a softball). I felt so bad for him. Even more so then my sister at this point because I know that pain. Once you have that kind of toothache you never forget it because you would rather take pliers and rip all your teeth out one by one with no anesthetic on your own then deal with this pain.
So I meet them at her house. Mom and I and my DH fed the kids, cleaned the house, and got the kids in pj's and let BIL take some pain meds and try to go to sleep.
Now he is pain and my sis can not walk at all. 2 kids, 3 and 1, and I am not sure what they are going to do. Sis is holding out hope that it will just get better in a couple days but it does not sound like it. She can't put any pressure on it. She is hopefully going to a specialist tomorrow so we will know more then. BIL went to dentist and they had to hollow out the tooth and tomorrow they are going to fill it so hopefully he will start feeling better tomorrow. So all in all it was a great day...haha.
I feel bad for them. So all my internet friends if you could send prayers and/or good thoughts their way I would really appreciate it. They could use all they can get!
BTW Happy Birthday Hunny and you thought we weren't going to do anything fun on your birthday, silly you. LOL
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Death of a Dream
4 years ago! January 14th, 2005! That is when it happened...my first of several miscarriages. 4 years ago that day I thought was the worst day of my life...little did I know it would get worse.
It was the death of a dream. A dream that I thought had finally become realized. I had been trying for 4 years and never saw the beautiful 2 lines. When I finally did I thought "thats it! My nightmare is over". Unfortunately it was just beginning. My sister had found out she was pregnant like a month or so prior. She was on a cruise and I could not wait to tell her. We were going to be pregnant together. Our children would be close like siblings...oh it was going to be so much fun! I remember that it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally free...free to be happy because now I would be complete. I had entered into the adult world. I was no longer a kid playing "grown-up".
When I look back on it, I think it was one of the happiest times of my life. I was finally going to have my baby I had longed for for so long. My body worked, I was not broken anymore. I had such plans...oh how naive I was...
When they called to say my beta had dropped...I just remember letting out a scream at the top of my lungs...NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE DON"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! They were wrong I just knew they had to be wrong. Maybe my first numbers were wrong, maybe the second...one of them HAD TO BE WRONG! I made my DH take me to the ER. I wanted them to do a blood test there and find out what the numbers were...he knew the dr was right but he took me...I think he would have done anything on that day...anything that would have taken the pain away from me, even though he was feeling it too.
We went to the ER and I pretended like I did not know a thing. I didn't want them to think I was some crazy person in denial...because I WASN"T! The doctors just had it all WRONG!!! So they hooked me up to the catheter and then wheeled me down to do an ultrasound. I laid there trying so hard to read the techs face. Was that blink she just had a good blink? the breath she just took was that out of relief? Please, please just tell me you see my baby and he/she is fine...TELL ME!!! Of course she didn't. they must train those ultrasound techs in the hospital really well because I could not tell a thing by her face. The dr came in and said they did not see much on the ultrasound but it was too early. Then he told my the numbers and said "it was a threatened miscarriage" and to go home and make an appointment with my DR...there was still hope he said. But he didn't know what I knew. When I heard the numbers...152 much, much lower then the 704 from the call that morning. I knew that ALL HOPE HAD BEEN LOST! In that moment even more so then that morning a piece of me died! And I wanted the rest of me to die too.
I cried and I screamed more then I thought possible for one person. I stared off into space just mumbling to my self...I HURT! I HURT! PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE IT GO AWAY! To make matters worse it was January 14th which also happens to be my DH birthday. What a SHITTY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I felt bad for him because I knew his birthday would always be remembered as one of the worst days of our lives. I was so sad about that but I couldn't change it.
I did not know how I would go on. How I could ever smile again? How I could watch people living normal happy lives while I was living in such pain. But I did...somehow I just did.
Even though I was only pregnant for a few short weeks I loved that baby as if he/she were here for a whole lifetime. I still do! Along with my three other angels. I remember all the dates, the EDD, the miscarriage dates, but this one is always the hardest because it was THE DAY! The day where I realized that just getting the 2 lines did not mean I would have a baby. My dreams were going to be so much harder to obtain then I originally thought. The dreams I had of infertility just being a "story" I would tell about how I dealt with it for a little while but overcame it were gone. I was changed...
It was the death of a dream. A dream that I thought had finally become realized. I had been trying for 4 years and never saw the beautiful 2 lines. When I finally did I thought "thats it! My nightmare is over". Unfortunately it was just beginning. My sister had found out she was pregnant like a month or so prior. She was on a cruise and I could not wait to tell her. We were going to be pregnant together. Our children would be close like siblings...oh it was going to be so much fun! I remember that it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I was finally free...free to be happy because now I would be complete. I had entered into the adult world. I was no longer a kid playing "grown-up".
When I look back on it, I think it was one of the happiest times of my life. I was finally going to have my baby I had longed for for so long. My body worked, I was not broken anymore. I had such plans...oh how naive I was...
When they called to say my beta had dropped...I just remember letting out a scream at the top of my lungs...NO! NO! NO! YOU CAN"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE DON"T TAKE MY BABY AWAY! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! They were wrong I just knew they had to be wrong. Maybe my first numbers were wrong, maybe the second...one of them HAD TO BE WRONG! I made my DH take me to the ER. I wanted them to do a blood test there and find out what the numbers were...he knew the dr was right but he took me...I think he would have done anything on that day...anything that would have taken the pain away from me, even though he was feeling it too.
We went to the ER and I pretended like I did not know a thing. I didn't want them to think I was some crazy person in denial...because I WASN"T! The doctors just had it all WRONG!!! So they hooked me up to the catheter and then wheeled me down to do an ultrasound. I laid there trying so hard to read the techs face. Was that blink she just had a good blink? the breath she just took was that out of relief? Please, please just tell me you see my baby and he/she is fine...TELL ME!!! Of course she didn't. they must train those ultrasound techs in the hospital really well because I could not tell a thing by her face. The dr came in and said they did not see much on the ultrasound but it was too early. Then he told my the numbers and said "it was a threatened miscarriage" and to go home and make an appointment with my DR...there was still hope he said. But he didn't know what I knew. When I heard the numbers...152 much, much lower then the 704 from the call that morning. I knew that ALL HOPE HAD BEEN LOST! In that moment even more so then that morning a piece of me died! And I wanted the rest of me to die too.
I cried and I screamed more then I thought possible for one person. I stared off into space just mumbling to my self...I HURT! I HURT! PLEASE SOMEONE MAKE IT GO AWAY! To make matters worse it was January 14th which also happens to be my DH birthday. What a SHITTY BIRTHDAY PRESENT! I felt bad for him because I knew his birthday would always be remembered as one of the worst days of our lives. I was so sad about that but I couldn't change it.
I did not know how I would go on. How I could ever smile again? How I could watch people living normal happy lives while I was living in such pain. But I did...somehow I just did.
Even though I was only pregnant for a few short weeks I loved that baby as if he/she were here for a whole lifetime. I still do! Along with my three other angels. I remember all the dates, the EDD, the miscarriage dates, but this one is always the hardest because it was THE DAY! The day where I realized that just getting the 2 lines did not mean I would have a baby. My dreams were going to be so much harder to obtain then I originally thought. The dreams I had of infertility just being a "story" I would tell about how I dealt with it for a little while but overcame it were gone. I was changed...
Monday, January 12, 2009
Random boring stuff
Not much going on just another day, another 3-6 inches of snow. OK OK already i get the point already! It's winter but really do you have to dump snow on us every frickin day? I need to move to a warm state I am so sick of the snow. I guess we are suppose to get more snow tonight, all day tomorrow, and then again on Wednesday...I am so over it!
I finally finished all my performance reviews at work and am now getting caught up on everything. It feels so good to cross things off my list.
Wednesday is DH's b-day but we are not really planning anything special. Too broke! Saturday we will celebrate with the family.
The same day as his b-day is another anniversary. One not to be celebrated and one not many (if any) except DH and I will remember. It is the anniversary of my first miscarriage. I will write more about this later.
Had a relaxing weekend. We were pretty much snowed in on Saturday. I went to go to the store on Saturday and to MIL but got on the roads and turned right back around and went home. It was not worth it. So we just played Gui.tar He.ro and watched movies.
Well I know boring boring boring but oh well that is all I got tonight. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend a Happy Monday (is that possible?). I will write something better tomorrow.
I finally finished all my performance reviews at work and am now getting caught up on everything. It feels so good to cross things off my list.
Wednesday is DH's b-day but we are not really planning anything special. Too broke! Saturday we will celebrate with the family.
The same day as his b-day is another anniversary. One not to be celebrated and one not many (if any) except DH and I will remember. It is the anniversary of my first miscarriage. I will write more about this later.
Had a relaxing weekend. We were pretty much snowed in on Saturday. I went to go to the store on Saturday and to MIL but got on the roads and turned right back around and went home. It was not worth it. So we just played Gui.tar He.ro and watched movies.
Well I know boring boring boring but oh well that is all I got tonight. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend a Happy Monday (is that possible?). I will write something better tomorrow.
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