Ah the "what if" game...it is a game I am a master at...a game I can play all day long without even really trying. I have run through so many "what if", sometimes I think I belong in the looney bin.
What if - Someone would have listened to me earlier when I told them I had PCOS but they assured me no I didn't only to find out 4 years later YES in fact I did.
What if - I had money to spend on the infertility treatments?
What if - I would have not listened to all the health classes in school that told me I could get pregnant at a drop of a hat and therefore I protected myself all those years. Ha what a joke that turned out to be...
What if - I did not lose 4 babies?
What if - what if - WHAT IF?
I could do this all day long but the biggest what if to me, and I am sure it is common amongst most (if not all) us infertiles, is What if I never become a mom? Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I do not know if I can live with that. I can not imagine the rest of my life without a child, and hopefully multiple children, in it.
It strikes me sometimes when I hear people talking about children, how common having children is. It is normal for most every person yet I can not seem to get there. I never imagined my life without children. I can't picture just me and my hubby for the rest of our lives. Although, 10 years ago when I started this journey I never imagined I would make it through all that I have made it through.
When I started I thought...What if I am right that I can't have children without medical assistance. I can't live with that." But I found I couldn't and I have lived through it.
When I started clomid I thought What if this does not work? There is no way I can do shots myself. I hate needles. I will not be able to handle it." Clomid did not work. I have since "shot myself up" with all kinds of stuff. Done all kinds of procedures. I am still here.
When I got pregnant the first time I thought "what if I lose this baby? No that would never happen because God knows what I have been through and surely he knows I CAN NOT HANDLE that. It would be so utterly unfair and heartbreaking I would surely not make it". I lost that baby. I am still kicking.
When I got pregnant the 2nd time I thought What if I go through another loss? No way would this happen to me again. My heart can not take it." I lost that one...my heart is still ticking.
When I got pregnant the 3rd time I thought What if I am one of those people that have miscarriage after miscarriage. I can't be one of "those people" I can't do it. My heart will be shattered and I will surely die"
I lost that one and the next and yet I am still here. Making it.
So now my biggest what if is What if I never become a mom? It repeats in my head like a broken record yet I am terrified of what life would be if I never get to have a child but I am also TERRIFIED to really keep thinking that because everytime I though I would never make it through. The worst(at that time) happened and I am still here alive, my heart still in one piece although sometime it does not feel fully intact. I am still TRYING to move forward. I am still living life. So it was almost like those things happen just to show me what I thought I could not do, I could. So I am afraid to think of What if I do not become a mom? Because I am TERRIFIED I will find out.
Maybe, I need to start thinking..."What if I have to have kids...man that would suck!" The problem with that is I could never get my head or heart to believe it so I do not think it will work. UGH I HATE "WHAT IF"!!!!
The better "What if" would be..."What if my biggest fear never comes true? What if my hubby gets to be the WONDERFUL dad I know he will be? What if we get to have some beautiful children and live happily ever after?" Ahhh now tose are some "what ifs" that I can get behind! Oh to dream...
It is National Infertility Awareness Week to find out more about infertility please visit RESOLVE or for the history of National Infertility Awareness Week click on this link.
To participate in Project IF - What if... go visit Mel's place and read this post with all the background and info. I hope all of us that have to play this "What if" game get to see that are worst fears were unfounded and all our dreams really do come true! Much love and hugs to all my infertility brothers and sisters. You are all the support that keeps me going when I think I can't anymore. Thank you!
Showing posts with label infertility. awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. awareness. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Life as an Infertile - National Infertility Awareness Week 04/25/10 - 05/01/10
National Infertility Awareness Week, well it may be that way for most people in the world but I have awareness every single day of my life. I have to live with infertility and there is just really no words to describe the pain, anguish, frustration, and utter hopelessness that goes along with infertility.
Infertility, has shaped my life. Though I never wanted that to happen it is pretty difficult, if not impossible, for it not to. The problem is...every single day...sometimes every single minute you are reminded of what you do not have...what you long for...what you heart physically aches for. Whether it be from commercials, TV shows, kids in the neighborhood, baby aisles at the store or getting the constant FB updates from a pregnant friend, or a family member calling you giddy with excitement because they just are bursting because they can't wait to tell everyone they are pregnant. You say congratulations while inside thinking "shit not another one" and kicking yourself for being such a BEE-ATCH for thinking such things. Normal people are happy for others. Normal people can go to a baby shower without psyching themselves up and maybe some alcohol prior and then willing the tears back into their eyes as everyone gushes over the pregnant mommy. That is how it should be but infertility has turned you into a SCROOGE! You are torn between being angry that everyone can't JUST UNDERSTAND how hard this is for you and be considerate after all, you deserve an award for putting yourself through the worst thing EVER IN LIFE, and realizing that you have many things to be thankful for and there are so many more people out there that have worse problems THEY are the ones that deserve the award. You are being selfish.
You feel like you have to put your whole life on hold because you never know this month could be the month that the world cosmically rights itself and you will FINALLY see the positive pregnancy test and will be able to actually have a real live baby. So it is best not to make any travel plans because you will be 7 months pregnant at the time and we do not want to take any chances. You do have a brief moment of clarity where you realize that this is a pipe dream but you blow that off as that is the obvious ridiculous thought of the two.
You take your pregnancy test month after month only to see a BFN and actually be surprised even though you have seen the same thing for a million months in a row. Now you could actually plan your trip but wait I think I might have forgot something...oh yah maybe it is the 15,000 I now need to save for IVF for just the chance of having the one thing that would make your life complete. I guess it is ramen noodles for dinner.
I know maybe I should "just relax" because a friend of mine told me that her cousin's friend's mother's sister in law was trying for 15 years and then she decided to give up and the next thing she knew she was pregnant. Or maybe I should adopt because we all know that I can go to adoptions r us and pick out my baby (since there are so many children waiting to be adopted) give them a hundred bucks or so and bring home my baby. It is really a very quick and simple process. I am selfish to be trying all this other stuff. Also, once I do that I am sure to get pregnant because adoption is the cure to all.
These are the things and statements I deal with on a daily basis. What a fertile person does not understand is that those comments I hear are about as logical as saying "why don't you become a crack addict?" because we all know crack addicts have babies ALL the time. For you as a fertile person having a baby means you and your significant other have a romantic night, light some candles, do your thing in the bedroom and 9 months later a baby pops out. For me as an infertile, it involves me and my hubby but he is only there holding my hand. He offers his donation at an earlier time. It also involves a few doctors and nurses, needles, drugs, dildo cams, tubes, THOUSANDS of dollars (I do not have) and I am sure other things I am not thinking of. When we "make a baby" it feels more like a science experiment then an act of love. Remember that the next time you think we are doing this because we want to have a "designer baby" .
I may sound bitter. I may sound angry, and sad. I AM but...I am also happy, calm, in love with my husband and I am grateful! I KNOW there are many people who have much much worse things happen to them, although I do have to mention that sometimes it does not feel like it. I also know that many of the comments or thoughts you think or say, as a fertile person, is not because you are trying to be vicious or mean, it is because you do not know what it is like to be me. Be thankful for that...
That is why we have National Infertility Awareness week. So we can bring education to those who do not know. Many times we feel forgotten and very misunderstood. So maybe you ran into this blog by mistake. Thinking you were stumbling onto a "mommy" blog. Well, sorry for that but I hope you stayed to read and see what it is like on the other side. That is really why I started this blog so I could educate people and find support and understanding. It is the mix of emotions that I have talked about here that a lot of times leaves me feeling very lonely and a lot of times crazy. If you are a fellow infertile and reading this (and I know most of you are) I thank you for offering me the support I need so desperately and the understanding that only you can really offer.
In the end, if I finally have the baby I have been wanting for so long it will be all worth it. If I don't...then I will have to cross that bridge when I get there...I only that hope I will say it was all worth it anyway.
Thank you so much for reading!
xxooxxoo
Infertility, has shaped my life. Though I never wanted that to happen it is pretty difficult, if not impossible, for it not to. The problem is...every single day...sometimes every single minute you are reminded of what you do not have...what you long for...what you heart physically aches for. Whether it be from commercials, TV shows, kids in the neighborhood, baby aisles at the store or getting the constant FB updates from a pregnant friend, or a family member calling you giddy with excitement because they just are bursting because they can't wait to tell everyone they are pregnant. You say congratulations while inside thinking "shit not another one" and kicking yourself for being such a BEE-ATCH for thinking such things. Normal people are happy for others. Normal people can go to a baby shower without psyching themselves up and maybe some alcohol prior and then willing the tears back into their eyes as everyone gushes over the pregnant mommy. That is how it should be but infertility has turned you into a SCROOGE! You are torn between being angry that everyone can't JUST UNDERSTAND how hard this is for you and be considerate after all, you deserve an award for putting yourself through the worst thing EVER IN LIFE, and realizing that you have many things to be thankful for and there are so many more people out there that have worse problems THEY are the ones that deserve the award. You are being selfish.
You feel like you have to put your whole life on hold because you never know this month could be the month that the world cosmically rights itself and you will FINALLY see the positive pregnancy test and will be able to actually have a real live baby. So it is best not to make any travel plans because you will be 7 months pregnant at the time and we do not want to take any chances. You do have a brief moment of clarity where you realize that this is a pipe dream but you blow that off as that is the obvious ridiculous thought of the two.
You take your pregnancy test month after month only to see a BFN and actually be surprised even though you have seen the same thing for a million months in a row. Now you could actually plan your trip but wait I think I might have forgot something...oh yah maybe it is the 15,000 I now need to save for IVF for just the chance of having the one thing that would make your life complete. I guess it is ramen noodles for dinner.
I know maybe I should "just relax" because a friend of mine told me that her cousin's friend's mother's sister in law was trying for 15 years and then she decided to give up and the next thing she knew she was pregnant. Or maybe I should adopt because we all know that I can go to adoptions r us and pick out my baby (since there are so many children waiting to be adopted) give them a hundred bucks or so and bring home my baby. It is really a very quick and simple process. I am selfish to be trying all this other stuff. Also, once I do that I am sure to get pregnant because adoption is the cure to all.
These are the things and statements I deal with on a daily basis. What a fertile person does not understand is that those comments I hear are about as logical as saying "why don't you become a crack addict?" because we all know crack addicts have babies ALL the time. For you as a fertile person having a baby means you and your significant other have a romantic night, light some candles, do your thing in the bedroom and 9 months later a baby pops out. For me as an infertile, it involves me and my hubby but he is only there holding my hand. He offers his donation at an earlier time. It also involves a few doctors and nurses, needles, drugs, dildo cams, tubes, THOUSANDS of dollars (I do not have) and I am sure other things I am not thinking of. When we "make a baby" it feels more like a science experiment then an act of love. Remember that the next time you think we are doing this because we want to have a "designer baby" .
I may sound bitter. I may sound angry, and sad. I AM but...I am also happy, calm, in love with my husband and I am grateful! I KNOW there are many people who have much much worse things happen to them, although I do have to mention that sometimes it does not feel like it. I also know that many of the comments or thoughts you think or say, as a fertile person, is not because you are trying to be vicious or mean, it is because you do not know what it is like to be me. Be thankful for that...
That is why we have National Infertility Awareness week. So we can bring education to those who do not know. Many times we feel forgotten and very misunderstood. So maybe you ran into this blog by mistake. Thinking you were stumbling onto a "mommy" blog. Well, sorry for that but I hope you stayed to read and see what it is like on the other side. That is really why I started this blog so I could educate people and find support and understanding. It is the mix of emotions that I have talked about here that a lot of times leaves me feeling very lonely and a lot of times crazy. If you are a fellow infertile and reading this (and I know most of you are) I thank you for offering me the support I need so desperately and the understanding that only you can really offer.
In the end, if I finally have the baby I have been wanting for so long it will be all worth it. If I don't...then I will have to cross that bridge when I get there...I only that hope I will say it was all worth it anyway.
Thank you so much for reading!
xxooxxoo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)