In case you did not know

Infertility has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. It's hard because everyday you are bombarded with images and news that reminds of what you do not have and what you are unable to do. It is frustrating because while you want to be happy for others and live a "normal" life, IF robs you of that ability. Not only that, but it feels very lonely. It seems to be a basic human right to reproduce and bring children into this world. After all it is what a woman is born to do. You want to leave this world better then when you came. But I have found out that it is not a guarantee just like most things in life... Believe me I know that there are people who are going through some really bad stuff. Things that I could not even imagine or would ever WANT to imagine and I am not here to say my pain is worse then others pain. I am just here to say that the pain of being INFERTILE IS VERY REAL. It is a difficult thing to deal with everyday and mostly it is not thought of as a "real" problem. Most people think that we were just selfish and waited to long or we want to have IVF because we want to pick the child's gender or eye color or something crazy like that. All those false assumptions just tend to aggravate the problem and not alleviate it.

It is frustrating because we can't understand why the woman who smokes crack every day has 10 children and we don't have any. Why women who killed their children still have more. It's hard and it leaves you questioning everything. Why me? Do you hear my prayers? What is the point of life if I can't have a child? Then we have to deal with insensitive comments such as "just relax", "maybe it is not meant to be", "it will happen when it is suppose to happen", "I have a friend that tried for many years and as soon as they tried to adopt they got pregnant", and "just don't think about". Don't you think that if those things really worked somebody would have tried that long ago. It may work for a fertile person but for an infertile person it usually involves some kind of drugs, a dildocam, thousands of dollars, and you do not even have to be in the same room with your hubby. Doesn't that sound romantic?

So basically in honor of NIAW I wanted to write about the feelings that are there when you are infertile. I just want people to be aware that 1. they should always think before they speak because you might not know who you are speaking to and what they are going through and 2. If you have children please know what a special gift you have received and act accordingly. Thanks.

Happy NIAW

Happy Nation Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) to all. NIAW runs from 04/25/09 - 05/02/09. I forgot about it until last night. You know why...I have not heard one story about it on the news. It seems to me like it will pass just like any old week in the year. No media attention, no "walk" for a cure, no fundraising...at least none that I know of...

All there seems to be is us. We won't let it pass without a word. We won't pretend IF isn't a "real" problem. We will try to educate and spread the word just like we do everyday. We know the pain! We know it's real! and we wish NO ONE ELSE HAD TO EXPERIENCE IT!

I thank all of my bloggers...no I mean all my friends! You have made things feel not so lonely. You offer unconditional support. You are an inspiration!

If you would like more information you can also go to the RESOLVE website. They too have some great information.

Here are some myths and facts regarding IF.

and here is some ifo about taking charge of your fertility.

I hope you all have a GREAT week!

Horrible story

OMG check out this story that just happened this week here in Michigan. What a terribly tragic story. This family tried for 17 years to have a child. 11 months ago their dreams came true only be taken away. My heart goes out to this family. I can not even imagine. I will never get a pit bull for this reason.

Baby dreams

I have been having vivid dreams lately. I had one last night and I was having a baby. All my dreams about having babies always seem to start when I am either in labor or just had the baby. I don't ever really have pregnancy dreams. Is that weird? Last night I had I dream that I was in labor and no one could tell me what I was having and I was very distraught about it. They kept telling me that if I was a good mother I would wait until I delivered. I was in labor for 2 days and still not having the baby. No one was concerned and I was yelling at everyone! They kept saying I was irrational and probably would not make a good mother. I woke up very sad about that.

A couple weeks ago I had a dream that I had twins. They rushed me to the hospital because I had stomach pains. I did not know I was pregnant. they put me under and when I woke I was at home and they told me I had twin boys. the problem was my whole family had twins at the same time so there were babies all over the place and I could not find my babies because I never saw them when they were born. no one would tell me where they were. In fact no one was even talking to me. It was like I was invisible

I am not a dream interpreter but I'm thinking these have to do with my fears about maybe the reason I can't get pregnant is because I won't be a good mother or some ridiculous thought like that. And also about the fact that I have had 4 pregnancies but never got to see the babies because of the miscarriages. It's just weird because there seems to be a lot of these lately and I am not entirely sure why. I haven't been obsessing anymore then usual. I just usually have dream where I don't see faces or they don't completely make sense and so they are hard to explain but lately I wake up and feel like they actually happened. They then stick with me all day. I hate that when you can't shake the feeling from dreams.

I wish they were foretelling me that I was soon going to be unexpectantly having a baby but we all know that really is a dream. One I wish was coming true but know it is going to be a while and many dollars before that happens. UGH!

Back to our regular scheduled programming

Ok I think we got the problem. I am feeling about 70% better. I was so excited that I felt better I went al out this weekend. Hubby and I had a great weekend. We went to the casino and won 2 days in a row and we went to the Red Wings Playoff game and they won. I found a FABULOUS bakery that had all kinds of goodies. So all in all it was a good weekend. Not to mention a lot less pain.

Today I went back to work. I have been wanting to go because I have been sick of sitting on my couch in my cocoon all day but now that I am feeling better I really did not want to go back. Today was a long day because I had to go through about 7000 emails and get set back up for virtually everything because they deactivated me. It was weird because when I am there it feels like same old same old everyday but being gone I realized how much everything changes on a daily basis. Almost everything changed while I was gone so I will spend the next few days trying to learn how to do all the new systems along with all the STUPID rules they decided to implement while I was gone. Also they changed my whole teams seats to the other side of the building. I no longer have my beautiful view. I knew they were going to move and before I left I sat down with my boss and came up with a great seating plan to which they proceeded to COMPLETELY change while I was gone. I think they were just waiting for that chance. Oh well I guess that is what I get for being gone for 2 months. With the way things change at my company I probably won't have to wait long for it to change again.

So I am happy to be back to normal. My hubby picks me up for work and says he is going to take the rest of the week off. I say why? he says I need a break. I say why didn't you do that while I was off? He says..."THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A VACATION"... what a funny, funny man I am married to.

I do have to say Thank you to him because he did so much for me while I was laid up and with virtually no serious complaints. he is a wonderful man I thank God for him everyday. I love you hunny!

Soon it will be on to fertility once again. From one frying pan to the next. Gotta love it!

Shocking news...A doctor listened to me! YAY!

So I think we finally got it!!! I think I am on the road to recovery...at least I better be because I am going back to work on Monday. I went on Wednesday to get a shot and funny thing I actually had a doctor who listened. Shocker...I know. Anyway, I have been showing and telling doctors where the pain is for 2 months now and this one actually got IT. She said after listening to me and reviewing everything that it wasn't ACTUALLY the BACK. When I feel of my porch I landed on the right knee and jambed my hip into the porch...this jambed my hip bone which goes to the back I guess (it starts with an S) and it is pinching the nerve that starts with an S. So they gave me a shot in the RIGHT place and said to go home and rest. They said the next few days would probably be worse and TRUST me it was. I could not walk AT ALL. One the sedation wore off the pain was like my normal pain times 100. But I took that as a good sign to mean that they got the right place. Everyday has been getting a little better and in fact tonight I am going to the Red Wings playoff hockey game. I don't feel back to normal just yet but hopefully tonight will not be too bad. We should have fun at the game! So I should be getting back to my normal blogging schedule and you will hopefully not have to listen to any more of me moaning about this pain. Please try to control your excitement. :) Sorry I have been a bad blogger as of late but I will get caught up soon. I hope you all have a great weekend!

Frustrated but hopeful

I hope everyone had a nice Easter. We did. My sis decided to start a new tradition and she had brunch. This way everyone could come over and still go other places if need be. So we went there for brunch which was great! The kids were cute as always! I just love them so much! Then we went to MIL for dinner. This time it was GREAT because it was just my DH and I. So we had a very nice dinner and conversation without all the BS from everyone else in his family. My SIL is about to have her baby any minute so I was glad that she was not there so I did not have to deal with it this time.

Tomorrow I am going to a different Pain Specialist and they are suppose to give me some other shot that is suppose to work with the shot I had last week. I am feeling a little better but not a lot. So hopefully after tomorrow I will feel completely better.

I got a call from my OB and now she says my ultrasound was fine and that I should maybe have a laproscopy done since I have had the ectopics and to check for endo. I went to pick up my records in case I need them for my short term and in them there was the ultrasound report which states. Unable to diagnose due to unclear pictures of uterus and ovaries. They did detect a cyst but could not tell what exactly it was and that they recommend a laproscopy. WTF? Why 3 different stories? Why was I not told this to begin with? I tried to call my RE to see if I could see him this week but he is of course out on vacation. So if my shots don't work tomorrow then I will be seeing him soon to talk about the laproscopy. If they do work then I will wait for a bit but I am still going to see about the laproscopy. I am planning on the shots working and going back to work next week.

This whole thing has been very frustrating and I just want it to be over and get back to a normal pain free (or I will take mostly pain free) life.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

Think before you speak

So when i went to the pain specialist last week I was greeted by an extremely pregnant woman. Let the fun begin... She starts talking about how she is do any minute and she CAN"T wait to have this baby because it has just been HORRIBLE! (I just not and smile politely but think shut up and get out). She talked about how she gets pregnant just by looking at her husband (thanks. Just what I want to hear.) Finally she stopped talking long enough to get some info from me and told me the doctor would be right in. I am not sure why she felt the need in the 10 minutes I was with her to give me her life (or last 9 mo) story but really? I know that when/if I am pregnant I will not talk about it to a complete stranger unless asked.

Queue doctor coming in...

Go through all my stuff and he is walking me to the room where I will get my shot and he says...

So who is taking care of your kids while you have been laid up?

I say: Don't have any
think: A%$#$le don't just assume I have children. I have already had it rubbed in my face once today.

Doctor: Well you are so lucky! You have things easy!

I say: Nothing
think: Yea if you consider 2 miscarriages, 2 ectopics, and the inability to have children and must pay 10's of thousands of dollars to have the HOPE of having a child lucky then I am the luckiest girl in the world.

People really need to think before they speak.

Ultrasound was a bust!

I know I have been MIA in the last few days. Sorry about that. I am so frustrated right now I could scream!! I had my ultrasound last week and they just call me today to tell me that they could not get a good picture of my uterus or ovaries so they do not have any findings. WTF??????????? Wouldn't they notice that while I was there? that was the whole purpose of going somewhere that just specializes in ultrasounds, to make sure they could get a good look at everything. I just do not understand. So then they tell me my DR won't be back until Monday so they will have to call me then to let me know what to do next. I am so sick of this!! I did go to the pain specialist and they gave me an couple shots in the back. They said it would feel worse for the first few days (IT DOES) but within 7 days I should hopefully feel better. I am really hoping that it works!

I don't know if now I should just call my RE and have him do the ultrasound. He never has a problem or do I just wait until I get a call from my OB to see what she says?

I hope you all had a good weekend. My nephew had his b-day party. There are a lot of cute pictures! I will have to share some later. Got taxes done yesterday and it was NOT good news just like I suspected.

Anyway, sorry I haven't been doing a lot of commenting I can't sit here for too long. I will talk to you all soon!

Just another day

Not Much to say. Nothing has changed on my end of the world... Still in pain. Went for an ultrasound today. It was weird going for reasons other then fertility. I actually had a normal ultrasound. Drinking all that water and holding it forever was VERY hard. The ultrasound tech lady was very nice. The person in there before was having problems so they kept coming out and telling me 10 more minutes. If you want you can go to the bathroom and count to 10 and then stop. That is VERY HARD to do. But I made it and will be getting the results in a couple days. I do have my appointment with the pain specialist on Monday and I am SO EXCITED about that. Anyway enough about this crap already. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. My nephews b-day party is Sunday so that should be cute. I can't believe he is 2 already. Talk to you all soon!