Wednesday, June 9, 2010


So last night I was up until something like 4:00 am. My mind was racing a mile a minute...Why? because I saw a show about someone who was fine one day and gone the next. He was young (35 or 36)...healthy...died of a heart attack. What!? And then because I believe strongly that things happen for a reason, every once in a while this will happen - I see something, hear something, or read something and then I think it was put before me to tell me BEWARE!!!! this may happen to your hubby! Now this does not happen every time but there are times like this. It goes away after a day but still. am I crazy?

I always say that my worst fear is that I will never be a mother. This is a HUGE fear!!!!! However, if I am really being honest my absolute worst fear is being left alone. I have abandonment issues ( I blame my father leaving. I find things always make me feel better if I blame father LOL)...anyway. Hubby always gets mad because I always tell him I want to go first because I do not want to be left alone (maybe this is because at the time I do not have children) In fact just the other day we had some major storms. Severe thunderstorms and tornado warnings and all. I don't mind storms. I just hate severe storms and tornados. I know who really likes them? But for example he will sleep through them or go right out in the middle to watch if I let him. I have had some bad experiences so I will not. So anyway, the other night I tell him I want him to stay up until the dtorms pass as I watch the weather and they are headed right for us. He says, "all it is a bad storm & some wind" (BTW a tornado hit about 45 minutes or so away and wiped out a lot of homes) To which I say, "there is a huge tree that the wind could knock over and my luck it would fall right on the bed where you and all the animals will be sleeping. " He says, "Thanks a lot! (rolling his eyes) That is not going to happen!" Which to me is the kiss of doom! Then I say "who ever says I think a tree is going to fall on me today?" (or whatever the scenario is at the time) Now I have snowballed it into the end of the world in my head. So because he is the wonderful husband that he is, he stayed up and guess the time it got to us it was some heavy rain and that is it.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea, like I run around in mass hysteria stating it is the end of the world. Most of this happens in my head. Even the conversation above with my hubby was said half laughingwhile in my head imagining how much my world would crumble if it actually happened. But it bothers me that something as simple as a TV show can keep me up for hours. Is it just me? Am I crazy? Does anyone else do this because whenever I talk about this people look at me like I am nuts.

Obviously I know that you can't live your life in fear. I DON"T! I am a worrier and for that there is NO DOUBT! But I am not some wierdo that doesn't do anything or try things because I fear it. These are thoughts that pass through my mind. Maybe linger there for a day or so and then go away...til the next time or when I have something new to worry about. I also must say I have gotten so much better then I used to be. It used to be WAY WORSE! Does anyone else do this? What are your fears?


Kristin said...

You're not crazy. I do that sometimes. Before we had our oldest, I was terrified that something would happen to my hubby while at work (he was a firefighter) and I wouldn't even have his child to remember him by. Our minds love playing games with us. {{{Hugs}}}

Kahla said...

Nope, don't think you're crazy either. I'm a natural worrier, if I'm not worrying, then I'm worried about that!

Anonymous said...

This is not crazy at all to worry & be crazy about it - our fears and feelings make us human.
I worry about many things fearing the worst for all the time but always hope for the best. Live and hope.

Another Dreamer said...

Oh hun- I do this too. Worry worry worry- yes being a mother is a huge fear, but being left totally alone... losing my husband... scares me much worse, especially right now because it's just us. We're all we really have.

I totally get that.

Sometimes I play through scenarios and give myself new reasons to worry. Him just going to work or the store worries me. I don't let it rule my life, I get on with everything, but I am constantly worrying.

DaisyGal said...

wow, are you my twin???
Because of my dad always "leaving" us (saying he would) when i was little and dying suddenly of a Heart attack when I was 26 I have SERIOUS abandonment issues too...BLAME THE DADDY.

I worry that I'll die, that John will die, that we'll be "THAT STORY" on the news, internet etc...that the headache will turn into a migraine that turns into a Bret Michaels story. I swear I do exactly the same thing. I worry when I see stories about sudden deaths, like I have no control over life, how can I have control over STUFF I DON'T have control over..right?

I want to tell you to NOT worry, but hey that's easy for me to say I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your worry and if that makes you feel a little better...knowing I might too, be up worrying at 4am just like you are...then I'll offer that with my friendship.

HUGS said...

I'm the same way!! I'm terrified of tornados too (like I can't sleep and i'll watch the news until there isn't a warning anymore). And I'm paranoid that someone is going to break in-which is why we got a dog...I think I watch too much dateline but whatever, I want to know what murderers are up to these days.

lol my response sounds crazy! woot!

Jamie said...

I am the exact same way. I don't consider myself a total worry wart, but when I see a show like the one you described I can't help but put myself in that person's shoes. I can't even watch Criminal Minds or CSI anymore - it gives me too many ideas!!

Stacey said...

Oh dear, you are NOT crazy (or, at least if you are then I am too!).

I have many of these same fears, my biggest one being facing the future alone. I'm terrified that something will happen to my husband. Just a few weeks ago I couldn't contact him by phone, text, or email and I went into a panic! Turns out he was in a meeting in an auditorium with no cell phone reception... I felt like a crazy lady.

Anyway, I totally understand. I can relate to worrying about never having children and/or losing your spouse, and I can also relate to blaming these fears on an absent father.

I think it's normal to worry but we have to focus on not letting it take control over our lives. This is something I struggle with, too.

Barb said...

I have abandonment issues and am a worrier too. xoxoxo

battynurse said...

I tend to do this as well. My most common one is if I'm driving somewhere on the freeway (higher speed) and then all of the sudden think or picture in my head what would happen if I crash. I think to some extent it's an anxiety thing.
I love your comment on how you always feel better when you blame your father. I'm the same way when it comes to blaming my mother.

Nicole said...

You are not crazy. I know how you feel. I also am afraid sometimes I will loose my husband, but that is because my Mom was a widow so young. I lost my dad when I was 10 so I also go through this from time to time.