Same ole, Same ole

Just wanted to check in with everyone. Not much is going on here. I do have a lot of posts floating around in my brain but I have only been able to get out one or 2 sentences and then something else pops in my head. Soon when I get them all sorted out I will be posting.

It has been doing nothing but snowing here but still I am thankful that we have not gotten the worst of the weather lately. I think we have 8+ inches give or take. I hate it but we have been lucky. DH fixed our front door so finally we can go in and out of it. It is so nice to be able to that. You would not think that to be a big deal but it was a pain in the a$$. He also fixed our toilet. It was leaking like crazy! We were filling 5 buckets a day plus soaking through every towel. So thank God hubby was able to get it fixed. He won a gift certificate for 60 bucks from his job at Home De.pot so that was great because it enabled us to get everything fixed. YAY.

This weekend we do not have anything major planned. I want to get some cleaning done that I did not get to last weekend ...we see if that happens. :)

Anyway, I have to go take care of all this bad news I got in the mail today. I really hate the mail and I hate when all the bad news come on Friday so you can't take care of it until Monday...UGH!

Have a great weekend all!

xxoo
   

Blind Sided

So here I am or was, on a Sunday night watching some of my favorite shows. The last week...because of the Olympics have pretty much been reruns except for the few crazy, crap TV, reality shows I watch and one or 2 others,. So I was excited last night that some good new shows were on.

1 was the Amaz.ing Race and Unde.rcover Boss, which BTW I think every CEO should do. If you did not start from the bottom in your company and work your way up then you should go out and get a taste of what it is REALLY like for the average everyday Joe out in the world. It always cracks me up when the CEO announce to all the other "higher ups" that he is going to go undercover they always say, "is there something you think you can learn better by going undercover rather then just going in as yourself?" UM DUH I don't know if this is just me but it seems to be common sense that you would learn more going undercover. I know when I was told the "big boss" was coming we made sure everything was in tip top condition. We did EXACTLY what we were suppose to do and when asked questions we answered them in a straight forward fashion...not really saying what you REALLY would like to say because lets face it...you would like to keep your job. So I do not know why they ask that question...but I digress.

10:00 rolls around and one of my favorite shows, "Brot.hers ans S1sters" comes on.  First, let me say, if you are in a bad place and you watch this show but have not yet...DON'T...or be fore warned this is going to be a SPOILER. This show has been a good show they showed Kitty losing a pregnancy and turning to adoption which I liked that they did it that way...they did not have her bounce back and get pregnant again right away like it was no big deal. They have the gay brother and his husband using a surrogate (who happens to be Whitney's from The Hi.lls and The Cit.y CRAZY friend and roommate). Anyway so  they show different aspects of getting pregnant...not all is rosey.

 Now Rebecca got pregnant and they have been showing the struggle with Justin not being ready, but all was starting to work out until last night. Rebecca is in the kitchen and all of sudden she feels cramps or something and says she needs to go to the hospital because something is wrong with the baby. I think nothing of it. They already did the miscarriage thing...

After they come back from commercial they show her in the hospital bed. Nora is asking her to drink some water and she says she is not thirsty. I still do not get it. I think drink the water, you are pregnant and maybe you are dehydrated and that is not good. Then they talk some more and WHAM it hits me...She lost the baby! Blind sided I started bawling, which is silly I mean it is just a show after all and I did not react like this when Kitty lost her baby. Watching her lay in the hospital bed just saying she would much rather be at home. Asking Justin to turn on the TV when he is trying to say anything to make it better but failing miserably. I felt the pain in my gut...in my heart. It brought me back to the hospital the first time. It is why now I avoid the hospital when having a miscarriage if at all possible. There is nothing they can do there except confirm your worst fears. Make you sit there for hours and hours for no good reason and all you want to do is go home crawl into bed and never wake up. She says she wants to go home and pretend it never happened...oh if only it were that easy...

Later they show her going to Kitty's announcement to the press that she is going to run for senator and Rebecca comes in to her holding her baby. The look in her eyes just showed exactly what we all feel when we see that. She put a smile on her face like we all do but she tried to get out of there fast!

The one that got me the most was, she is making Justin's favorite brownie recipe she got from his mom for Valentine's Day. He comes in having ran around town getting all her favorite foods from a million different places. He tells her to eat he will finish the brownies. She saysNO...he keeps trying and then she says... (paraphrased)I NEED TO DO THIS. I planned on doing this. I got the recipe from your mom. I bought the best chocolate. I need to do this because I PLANNED to do this and I NEED something to work out like I planned. This statement hit me HARD! I know all too well what this feels like but I realized that since that day 5 years ago when I lost my first angel and the 3 others since then...nothing will ever go as planned because everything I have done or will do since then does not involve my child and THAT DEFINITELY IS NOT HOW I PLANNED IT!...and that really sucks!

I was a mess for a while after the show. It just shocks me sometimes how this grief thing can just hit you from out of no where. From a TV show that is not real I get the wind knocked out of me. Just when you think you got it all under control grief jabs you in the gut and says "hey DON"T forget about me.!" and you just never know when that is going to be. Well I just have to say, don't worry grief...there is no forgetting here.

ATTN: MICHIGAN RESIDENTS IMPORTANT ACTION NEEDED

Ok people in Michigan or people who know people in Michigan. I received this from RESOLVE. We need your help NOW!!!! Please take a few minutes and go on over to RESOLVE now and let your voice be heard!


Dear Michelle,
The Michigan Senate is getting ready to vote on some of the worst bills we have ever seen.
Do you want the Michigan government to monitor the number of eggs women produce in infertility treatment?  Do you want the Michigan government to track the number of embryos you have, and how you choose to use them in treatment and afterwards?  Do you think it should be reported to the Michigan government if you have a miscarriage?
These are unfair intrusions for infertility patients.
Please, drop whatever you are doing and click this link NOW to join RESOLVE in opposing the bills that would make these intrusions the law.  People with infertility in Michigan deserve the same respect, options, and privacy as patients in other states! 
For details on the bills, including a link to the bill language, visit the RESOLVE website.
Every voice helps and if we have a huge flood of letters, it could make all the difference. 
Sincerely,
Barbara Collura
Executive Director, RESOLVE
P.S.  Please forward this alert to family and friends who care about protecting the interests of people who are trying to build families!   Please also forward to any professionals who know in Michigan, including your doctor, and urge them to oppose these bills. Take Action Now!

People watching

It has been a pretty boring week. The other day I had to go to the DREADED jury duty! I so did not want to go. In fact the night before I was looking up what would really happen if I did not show up. I could find nothing conclusive so I decided not risk it. Jail was not sounding like a good option.

So I went and let me tell you if you like to people watch jury duty has some real doozies. First, and of course I would not even be able to escape it here, the pregnant women that was about to pop at any moment! I mean I could not believe that she was there. We were in the bathroom together and I was imagining delivering the baby right there and what the hell I was going to do. Luckily she did not. BTW in my imagination I was a rock star at delivering babies in courthouse bathrooms due to all my television watching of such scenarios, I knew EXACTLY what to do. ;o)

Then there was the lady that never SHUT UP! She was far away from me in a room full of about 200+ people and I heard this ladies whole life story. Of course when my name got called to go to a courtroom to possible be picked for a jury...she was in my group so I got to hear more of her story as she would tell anyone who was within hearing distance of her...and that was everyone. She also had one of those voices that were more like nails going down a chalkboard. (I would not want her on my jury!)

There was the man that was wearing a...skirt. No not a kilt, like at first thought I must have seen, no this was a womans paneled skirt. Do they really let these people in? The woman that was dressed to the nines. I mean she must have thought she was going to some high class restaurant and not a Detroit courthouse or she had a real hot date after words. Then there was a women (maybe) who looked like she was no older then 12...SERIOUSLY! I chuckled thinking someone sent there child to serve in there place. and last but not least was the man sitting next to me who snored louder then my husband and that is really hard to top! I am sure there is more but I was distracted most by these people.

I did get called up to go into a courtroom and possibly get picked. We went in the room and this judge did like a full out comedy routine (our money put to good use here in the D). He was a really nice guy. He passed out candy which always gets you bonus points in my book. Then he said I have good news and bad. Everyone elected to hear the bad news first. He said I do not need you today and there fore you have to go back downstairs and maybe get picked again and this time maybe for a 2 week jury. Groans were heard throughout to which he said, "Oh sure now you like me and want to be here." The good news is, I kept you up here for almost an hour and hopefully now when you get back down they will have already selected all the jurors they need and will send you home within a couple hours. YAY.

We went back down and sat there for 30 minutes and then they dismissed all jurors. I was out of there by 11:30! I was so HAPPY!!! For this I made a whopping 25.00 - the 10.00 I spent for frickin parking! HA HA! I think I cam out on top ;0 So now I can stop looking for a job because I am retiring!!!

After seeing all these people in the jury pool...I really hope I never need to be tried by a jury of my peers...it is concerning!

We went and babysat the nephews last night. They were so much fun. We played and played and played! I made them dinner and Jo.ey even asked for seconds...UNHEARD OF! They went to bed VERY easily...probably because we ran around the house and did a whole lot of dancing. They were tired! Me TOO!

This weekend we have some major house cleaning planned...I let you know if it happens. I hope you all have a great weekend!

xxooxxoo

The one where I am Happy

Despite my lack of enthusiasm for my birthday this weekend, I did have a great birthday weekend. On saturday DH made me a beautiful steak dinner that tasted great. Sunday morning he made breakfast. We went to my sisters for dinner and a birthday.Super Bowl party. Everyone except me was rooting for the Colts. I was rooting for the underdog. No one believed it but I believed that the Saints would win and everyone else had to eat crow by the end of the night. It just ended the day on a great note.

My nephews were so cute and excited for the birthday party. They called me in the morning to wish me a Happy Birthday. Noah got on the phone and said, :Hi aunt Shell. Today is your Birthday!" When we got over to there house Joey said he was in charge of the party. He and Noah set the table, which I so wish I would have taken a picture of. There were like a 150 forks and knives and napkins on the table but it was just so cute and they were so proud!

Joey kept bringing out his toys and giving them to me and saying I could take them home because it was my birthday. He gave me a football. Which by the way we played catch with the kids with and I think Noah would make a GREAT quarterback some day. He throws a perfect spiral and fires it and it goes far and he is 2. Anyway, we also taught him the touchdown dance which was so funny to watch him do. Also, Joey gave me a spaceship and a play cell phone and a Noah's Ark book. He loaded me up with presents.

My BIL made a fabulous Lasagna and of course I had my ice cream pie. Thank you so much it was delicious! All in all is was a great weekend. It still sucks to be 36 but I am hoping that the great start to the year will continue. Thank you all for your birthday wishes. It always brings a smile to my face with all the love and support I get from all of you. You are the BEST!!!

xxoo

The One Where I Feel Sorry For Myself

Ok so my birthday is coming up on Sunday and I absolutely HATE it! I mean presents are nice, my favorite ice cream pie is FANTASTIC, My BIL making me dinner TERRIFIC, turning 36 BITES THE BIG ONE!!!!

I thought turning 35 was bad but 36 really tops it. Now I am OVER 35! I feel I am further away from my goal of having a baby then ever before. I have nothing to show for the last year of my life except heart break and CRAP!! I do not even know where to go or what to do any more. I am frustrated and just really sad. No job, No baby, No money, NO LIFE!!!!

I get to share my birthday with the Super Bowl. I am choosing to believe that everyone is getting together all around the world to celebrate me. I think it sounds so much better then celebrating some football game. ;) So we are getting together at my sisters house. It should be a good time. I told my hubby, the biggest sports fan I know, that it is a bummer that my birthday falls on super Bowl Sunday because it is my day and I get to choose what we watch and since I could care less about either team in the big game I am choosing a nice romantic comedy! LOL I will let you know when the divorce proceedings start...I do not think it would fly very well. Thats OK I can have fun with my nephews. They can always cheer me up! They get so excited about parties. I asked Jo.ey what he was going to get me and he said a Choo Choo train...hmmm not something I remember asking for...I think he is projecting what he wants...hoping I will leave it over there. LOL.

I remember when birthdays were something I looked forward to. Something I waited anxiously for. Now I could do without it. I keep calculating how old I will be when my kids are 18,21, etc if I were to have a kid now and I just feel ancient. I know people have kids all the time when they are older but I just think how young my mom was. She is 57 now. If I were to have a kid this year...when my kid turns 36 I will be 72. WTF!? That is just mind blowing to me. This is so not what I had hoped and dreamed for my life. I was suppose to have 4 children, be a stay at home mom and be loving life. UGH!!!

A couple weeks ago we went to my MIL to celebrate DH and my niece's b-day. I was having a conversation with my SIL and MIL. Talking about ...what else kids. I was saying it felt like I would never have them. And you will never guess what my 23 year old SIL said. I mean it is such a rare thing for a fertile to say. She said "I can have my kids packed and ready to go for you." Yes, that makes me feel better. However, my MIL said, "well pack 'em up she will take what you don't appreciate." I think my eyes bugged out of my head and my SIL shut up. Go MIL!!

Anyway, I will stop boring you with my whining and maybe now that I have gotten this off my chest I can feel better about turning 36...NAH I don't think that will happen but at least maybe I can get all this out of my mind. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

xxooxxoo