Project IF - What if?

Ah the "what if" game...it is a game I am a master at...a game I can play all day long without even really trying. I have run through so many "what if", sometimes I think I belong in the looney bin.

What if - Someone would have listened to me earlier when I told them I had PCOS but they assured me no I didn't only to find out 4 years later YES in fact I did.
What if - I had money to spend on the infertility treatments?
What if - I would have not listened to all the health classes in school that told me I could get pregnant at a drop of a hat and therefore I protected myself all those years. Ha what a joke that turned out to be...
What if - I did not lose 4 babies?
What if - what if  - WHAT IF?

I could do this all day long but the biggest what if to me, and I am sure it is common amongst most (if not all) us infertiles, is What if I never become a mom? Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I do not know if I can live with that. I can not imagine the rest of my life without a child, and hopefully multiple children, in it.

It strikes me sometimes when I hear people talking about children, how common having children is. It is normal for most every person yet I can not seem to get there. I never imagined my life without children. I can't picture just me and my hubby for the rest of our lives. Although, 10 years ago when I started this journey I never imagined I would make it through all that I have made it through.

 When I started I thought...What if I am right that I can't have children without medical assistance. I can't live with that." But I found I couldn't and I have lived through it.

When I started clomid I thought What if this does not work? There is no way I can do shots myself. I hate needles. I will not be able to handle it."  Clomid did not work. I have since "shot myself up" with all kinds of stuff. Done all kinds of procedures. I am still here.

When I got pregnant the first time I thought "what if I lose this baby? No that would never happen because God knows what I have been through and surely he knows I CAN NOT HANDLE that. It would be so utterly unfair and heartbreaking I would surely not make it". I lost that baby. I am still kicking.

When I got pregnant the 2nd time I thought What if I go through another loss? No way would this happen to me again. My heart can not take it." I lost that one...my heart is still ticking.

When I got pregnant the 3rd time I thought What if I am one of those people that have miscarriage after miscarriage. I can't be one of "those people" I can't do it. My heart will be shattered and I will surely die"
I lost that one and the next and yet I am still here. Making it.

So now my biggest what if is What if I never become a mom? It repeats in my head like a broken record yet I am terrified of what life would be if I never get to have a child but I am also TERRIFIED to really keep thinking that because everytime I though I would never make it through. The worst(at that time) happened and I am still here alive, my heart still in one piece although sometime it does not feel fully intact. I am still TRYING to move forward. I am still living life. So it was almost like those things happen just to show me what I thought I could not do, I could. So I am afraid to think of What if I do not become a mom? Because I am TERRIFIED I will find out.

Maybe, I need to start thinking..."What if I have to have kids...man that would suck!" The problem with that is I could never get my head or heart to believe it so I do not think it will work. UGH I HATE "WHAT IF"!!!!

The better "What if" would be..."What if my biggest fear never comes true? What if my hubby gets to be the WONDERFUL dad I know he will be? What if we get to have some beautiful children and live happily ever after?"  Ahhh now tose are some "what ifs" that I can get behind! Oh to dream...


It is National Infertility Awareness Week to find out more about infertility please visit RESOLVE or for the history of National Infertility Awareness Week click on this link.

To participate in Project IF - What if... go visit Mel's place and read this post with all the background and info. I hope all of us that have to play this "What if" game get to see that are worst fears were unfounded and all our dreams really do come true! Much love and hugs to all my infertility brothers and sisters. You are all the support that keeps me going when I think I can't anymore. Thank you!

Life as an Infertile - National Infertility Awareness Week 04/25/10 - 05/01/10

National Infertility Awareness Week, well it may be that way for most people in the world but I have awareness every single day of my life. I have to live with infertility and there is just really no words to describe the pain, anguish, frustration, and utter hopelessness that goes along with infertility.

Infertility, has shaped my life. Though I never wanted that to happen it is pretty difficult, if not impossible, for it not to. The problem is...every single day...sometimes every single minute you are reminded of what you do not have...what you long for...what you heart physically aches for. Whether it be from commercials, TV shows, kids in the neighborhood, baby aisles at the store or getting the constant FB updates from a pregnant friend, or a family member calling you giddy with excitement because they just are bursting because they can't wait to tell everyone they are pregnant. You say congratulations while inside thinking "shit not another one" and kicking yourself for being such a BEE-ATCH for thinking such things. Normal people are happy for others. Normal people can go to a baby shower without psyching themselves up and maybe some alcohol prior and then willing the tears back into their eyes as everyone gushes over the pregnant mommy. That is how it should be but infertility has turned you into a SCROOGE! You are torn between being angry that everyone can't JUST UNDERSTAND how hard this is for you and be considerate after all, you deserve an award for putting yourself through the worst thing EVER IN LIFE, and realizing that you have many things to be thankful for and there are so many more people out there that have worse problems THEY are the ones that deserve the award. You are being selfish.

You feel like you have to put your whole life on hold because you never know this month could be the month that the world cosmically rights itself and you will FINALLY see the positive pregnancy test and will be able to actually have a real live baby. So it is best not to make any travel plans because you will be 7 months pregnant at the time and we do not want to take any chances. You do have a brief moment of clarity where you realize that this is a pipe dream but you blow that off as that is the obvious ridiculous thought of the two.

You take your pregnancy test month after month only to see a BFN and actually be surprised even though you have seen the same thing for a million months in a row. Now you could actually plan your trip but wait I think I might have forgot something...oh yah maybe it is the 15,000 I now need to save for IVF for just the chance of having the one thing that would make your life complete. I guess it is ramen noodles for dinner.

I know maybe I should "just relax" because a friend of mine told me that her cousin's friend's mother's sister in law was trying for 15 years and then she decided to give up and the next thing she knew she was pregnant. Or maybe I should adopt because we all know that I can go to adoptions r us and pick out my  baby (since there are so many children waiting to be adopted) give them a hundred bucks or so and bring home my baby. It is really a very quick and simple process. I am selfish to be trying all this other stuff. Also, once I do that I am sure to get pregnant because adoption is the cure to all.

These are the things and statements I deal with on a daily basis. What a fertile person does not understand is that those comments I hear are about as logical as saying "why don't you become a crack addict?" because we all know crack addicts have babies ALL the time. For you as a fertile person having a baby means you and your significant other  have a romantic night, light some candles, do your thing in the bedroom and 9 months later a baby pops out. For me as an infertile, it involves me and my hubby but he is only there holding my hand. He offers his donation at an earlier time. It also involves a few doctors and nurses, needles, drugs, dildo cams, tubes, THOUSANDS of dollars (I do not have)  and I am sure other things I am not thinking of. When we "make a baby" it feels more like a science experiment then an act of love. Remember that the next time you think we are doing this because we want to have a "designer baby" .

I may sound bitter. I may sound angry, and sad. I AM but...I am also happy, calm, in love with my husband and I am grateful! I KNOW there are many people who have much much worse things happen to them, although I do have to mention that sometimes it does not feel like it. I also know that many of the comments or thoughts you think or say, as a fertile person, is not because you are trying to be vicious or mean, it is because you do not know what it is like to be me. Be thankful for that...

That is why we have National Infertility Awareness week. So we can bring education to those who do not know. Many times we feel forgotten and very misunderstood. So maybe you ran into this blog by mistake. Thinking you were stumbling onto a "mommy" blog. Well, sorry for that but I hope you stayed to read and see what it is like on the other side. That is really why I started this blog so I could educate people and find support and understanding. It is the mix of emotions that I have talked about here that a lot of times leaves me feeling very lonely and a lot of times crazy. If you are a fellow infertile and reading this (and I know most of you are) I thank you for offering me the support I need so desperately and the understanding that only you can really offer.

In the end, if I finally have the baby I have been wanting for so long it will be all worth it. If I don't...then I will have to cross that bridge when I get there...I only that hope I will say it was all worth it anyway.

Thank you so much for reading!

xxooxxoo

Save the dolphins

Here is my earth day contribution.

If you know me, you know how much I LVOE LOVE LOVE dolphins! I have pictures and knick knacks of dolphins all over my house. They are amazing animals! They are smart and they are BEAUTIFUL! I just saw the SLAUGHTER of thousands and thousands of them on Oprah today. It is depicted in the Academy Award winning film The Cove. I am HEART BROKEN!

Please check out the website and take a moment to send a letter to the president. It is already written you just need to add your name and any comments. Thank you!

 http://www.savejapandolphins.org

Happy Earth Day!

xxoo

    

Notice to SPAMMERS

I tried to send a response to the email I posted previously but OF COURSE the email does not work. Neither do the feedback forms on her websites. I am shocked. Since I could not respond to her in email I will do it here.

Notice to SPAMMERS...most notably Jenell Mann

#1 Before telling me you LOVE my blog...read it first. It could prevent problems. If you took even just a few seconds to read 1 SENTENCE of my blog you would see that my blog is about INFERTILITY and the RECURRENT MISCARRIAGES I have had and that I have been struggling for 10 years to have a baby and I have NOT been successful. Thanks to you I am now reminded of this inability to have children and therefore not able to offer any advice for your...whatever you are doing.


#2 Do not ask infertile people and people who have suffered from MANY miscarriages advice on being a mother or having children. I DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN AND THEREFORE CAN NOT OFFER ADVICE ON THAT SUBJECT. If you would like advice on how to handle stupid people and the stupid comments I receive all the time or how to function in a fertile, baby driven world and be an infertile person and try to stay sane, then I could write forever on that subject.


#3 The only advice I have for new mothers and for raising children would be...

 

APPRECIATE THE GIFT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN AND NEVER TAKE FOR GRANTED YOUR CHILDREN! THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT WOULD DO ANYTHING TO BE IN YOUR PLACE. SO IF YOU ARE SO TIRED FROM LACK OF SLEEP OR FEEL YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY TIME FOR YOURSELF REMEMBER ME...I HAVE LOST BABIES AND PRAY EVERY DAY THAT I COULD HAVE A SLEEPLESS NIGHT BECAUSE MY BABY IS CRYING!

#4 In in the future please read at least 1 post of the blog you are spamming. Actually you could have just read the side bar or in the title of my blog you would have seen this was NOT a mommy blog.

 

#5 REMOVE ME FROM ANY EMAIL LISTS YOU HAVE!!!!!

Thanks!

 

I LOVE YOUR BLOG...well maybe you should read it first!

So I opened my email today and got a really nice email from someone telling me they LOVE my blog and wanted some advice. Here is the email. Please let me know if you can figure what the obvious problem would be with this email...

Hi,

My name is name deleted (mommy to triplets plus 1!!) I love your blog, tobabyandbeyond.blogspot.com.

I have a quick question for you.  What is the #1 tip you'd give to new parents?  My hubby and I have a Free Pregnancy iPhone app that is being used by 1000's of new parents every day. We are adding a section of baby 101 tips AND we are reaching out to our favorite baby/parenting/mommy/daddy blogs.  If you'd be willing to provide a quick tip,  just a sentence or two of your best advice and we will use it in our app.  We will include your website as the source and we will provide a link back to your site. Our apps are only a few months old and its already been installed nearly 50,000 times. So this would be amazing exposure for your blog AND it would only take you a few minutes. If you are interested please respond with your #1 tip for new parents and let us know which website to link back to when we include your tip in our app.  
(Link deleted because I do not think they should get a|ANY exposure!!!!)
Its one of the few 100% FREE baby countdown apps and its loaded with pregnancy tools!

Lastly we are also working on one other project, compiling the best list of free baby samples toll free numbers anywhere. As parents of triplets we know how expensive babies can be.  We put together a list of over 55 free baby samples phone numbers and we turned it into an easy widget.  Anyone can place the widget in the sidebar of their blog to share the samples with their readers.  The great thing is the widget is community driven, users can report a number that is no longer active OR report new offers.  Many of the offers just require a quick phone call- free diapers, wipes even formula samples.  Check it out below...You can use it to get free diapers and samples and even include it on your blog
(Link deleted to she should not get any exposure)

Please let me know if you have any questions- and I hope you are interested in sending your best parenting tip!

Thanks,

(Name deleted)

OK so this REALLY pisses me off!!! First off lady you obviously did not read my blog AT ALL because if you did you would know this a blog about NOT being able to have babies!  So you LIED when you said you loved my blog!!! You just want exposure for your stuff!!! Well you ain't gettin it from me.

So I am going to respond but I am going to give her some INFERILE advice. Please let me know some great advice that I can include in my email to this idiot lady. Thanks!

xxooxxoo

Which way do I go?

So, I am sorry that I have been silent as of late but I have been really having a hard time. It has not been a "normal" hard time for me. One where I feel the need to discuss and discuss and make plans and try to figure every thing out. I mean I have been doing that just not the discussing part of it. I have been battling it out in my brain. Some days I am winning and other days not so much. I regret to say that even here on my blog, the one place where I swore I would always say what is on my mind. I came here and said everything was fine. I wrote it hoping that maybe saying it here would just make it true...it has not.

I mean I did have a nice Easter but what I did not say was that all day I felt like I was teetering on the edge. Anything made me want to cry. We went to my sisters in the morning for brunch and the thought of going to my MILs later that day was making me sick to my stomach. All I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed and stay there. I didn't because I really did not feel like explaining why I was not going to show up. So I sucked it up and it was nice. My MIL got a new Ip.ad so I spent a lot of time playing with that, which btw it is really cool, and we played outside with my nephews. It turned out to be an ok day but I did not talk much that day. I was afraid to open my mouth too much. Afraid I was going to burst into tears and look like a crazy person.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have let my husband down...I have let myself down and I do not know where to go from here. I understand that I am not alone that many people are going through the same things that I am  going through. I KNOW I am not alone but I FEEL so LONELY!

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety and very jittery. I hate this feeling. I have suffered from panic attacks in the past and they are not fun. I have since learned how to handle them and I have not had a full out panic attack in a while but lately it feels like it is coming. It is not a good feeling. It is hard to describe to anyone that has not been through it.

I said here I went to my friends house and we celebrated her b-day. We had fun...a lot of fun! But what I did not say was that someone asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears. It only lasted for a few minutes but I do not know where it came from. I did not say for the 1st time I felt a huge divide between me and my closest friends. I felt really left out. They all have kids and have grown up together. I mean I have been friends with them for 15 years but this is the 1st time I felt different. Nothing specific happened to make me feel this way. No one said anything. Everyone was caring and understanding and we laughed and laughed but still I felt like an outsider and that sucked!

I guess a lot lately I feel like an outsider to my life. Like things are going out of control and I have no way to stop it. The weird thing is I do not feel depressed I just feel anxious. I feel like my head is going in a million directions and I do not know how to get it going one direction. I fear making the wrong decision. I want to take the shortest path to my ultimate goal but it is really hard when I can not even see the path at all.

I am frustrated and I am angry. I just wish someone could say do this...go here...do that...and all will be fine. Unfortunately nobody can do that. I just need to take a deep breath and realize that this too will pass. I do believe everything happens for a reason. I just really wish I knew what the reason was.

So that is what has been going on with me. I hope all is well with you and I will be catching up with all of you this week.

xxoo

Update and Congrats!

Wow a week has gone by and I have not written. So sorry. I have been reading and trying to keep up but I have not been commenting much. My hubby has been on vacation this week so we have been spending time together and he has been using the computer a lot.

We had a very nice Easter. Monday I went to my friends house for her birthday. Her hubby took the kids to Tenn. to see his family and since she had to work she stayed home. So the girls had a girls night pajama/birthday party. It was a lot of fun. I have been getting all my stuff together for the bankruptcy. I had to delay the appointment for a little over a week because I could not afford to pick up my taxes from the tax guy. What else is new?

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know I am here and till alive and kicking. I will get all caught up tarting next week. I hope all i well with everyone.

I wanted to say a BIG congrats to Knocked up, Knocked down on having her baby and Sunny in Seattle on the birth of her twins. Congrats to both of you. I am truly happy for both of you!!

Also, not only did Monica just finally have her real baby but she had her second one...her book came out! I placed my order and you should too. Go to Amazon.com and buy her book

Knocked Up, Knocked Down: Postcards of Miscarriage and Other Misadventures from the Brink of Parenthood (Paperback). I am sure it is just as amazing as she is!