Updates and EDDs

Today I went to see my doctor. They did an x-ray to see if I had any kidney stones and will tell me on Monday the results of that. She also did a pelvic exam and she pushed on my stomach and it felt more like she was stabbing me in the stomach. I actually cried out because of it. It surprised me because I have not been having abdominal pain at all. It has all been in my back. She said maybe it is referred pain and that is why the shots and everything else are not working. I am going to get a CT scan next Thursday to check my abdomen and pelvic area. It would be ironic if something was wrong in the pelvic area because I spend a lot of my time having ultrasounds in that area and now I have been on break since July and now there would be something wrong there? That would just be very weird. I do know though it should not feel like someone is stabbing me when doing that exam. So I guess I will have to deal with this for at least another week. The only reason I have to wait so long is because my insurance company can't approve the procedure until then. WTF? I just do not understand insurance companies most of the time. If my doctor says I need it then let me do it. It is not because I am going there to have fun and I have nothing else better to do. It just drives me crazy! I am sick of dealing with this and I want it fixed. I have done PT a couple times this week and I am also doing exercises at home so hopefully eventually I will feel better.

These last couple weeks I have had 2 EDD come and go. I did not really think of them at the time. I think because of all the pain I have been in. But I have been thinking about them the last couple days. If I would not have had my ectopic in July I would have a baby right now. I would be holding him/her. I would be loving and adoring him/her but now I am just stuck with what could of, SHOULD of been. I have been having a lot of dreams lately about babies and having babies. Some of them have been very weird. Maybe I will share sometime soon but I think I have been having them because of what I am missing right now.

My dearest Angels,

I just want to know how much I love you. Even though I never got to hold you or see you. Even though you were with me for only a short time I want you to know that I hold enough love in my heart for you for a whole lifetime. I think about you often and I wish it could have been different. I hope someday I will see you and be able to hold you but for now I will have to settle for seeing you in my dreams and holding you in my heart.

Love always,
Mommy