It is insurance enrollment time and DH job. So today we got notice...I figured it was going to be another notice saying the hiked insurance an astronomical amount as per usual. It was not that...
They dumped all of the choices and are only giving us one choice. Which is not a choice...I guess they are giving us one forced option. The problem is it does NOT cover infertility. Oh wait it says it will cover diagnosis and treatment of the underlying cause as long as none of it has to do with birth or the birth process...which is the whole point of infertility treatment. It means they will NOT cover ultrasounds, unless my doctor can convince them I need ultrasounds every three days to look at my polycystic overies...do you thing that could work? Probably not.
Also, after much research I found the RX company will not cover fertility drugs. Oh but wait they do offer a discount on them. If you can call it that. So I am SCREWED!!!
So looking at the positive side...I am at the end of what my insurance company I currently have would cover anyway so I pretty much would have been paying out of pocket anyways. The problem is I wanted to try one more treatment using injectibles with the added progesterone support and stuff. Now if I want to do that I need to do it NOW. I need to come up with the 300.00 I owe them so I can get in within the next 2 weeks so I can beat my next cycle. I do not have 300.00 laying around. I lost my job. I am struggling to get by as it is but I HAVE to figure out how to do this.
It also screws up what I wanted to do first. I want to go and have a laparoscopy to make sure everything looks good before I go and waste anymore money. Now I have to skip that for now. I figure the new insurance co. will cover that since it will fall under the "diagnosis and treatment" of the underlying cause. So what I have to do is get into Dr. Positive. I have not even spoken to him since the last miscarriage/ectopic. Last I talked to him we did not even know the pregnancy was ectopic at the time. I MUST get into at least talk to him and see what the options are. Maybe he can make it all better and tell me knows a way to make this work...PLEASE OH PLEASE let that be the case. I need Dr. Positive to be who is POSITIVE! I NEED my ovaries to cooperate and not have any cysts. As I am typing this I realize now that I do not even know if I have time...if I remember correctly I should be on BC now...CRAP...SHIT!!! Deep breath...I still need to get into see him and see what we can do...maybe we can at least order a bunch of drugs now while they are covered. It would have been nice if DH's employer would have told them a while ago that this was going to happen. At least then I could have been putting 20 a week a away or something. UGH!!!
I am feeling very paniced and frustrated. I just do not understand why? I would be a good mom. Why can't I be that? I feel like I am standing over the toilet and watching all my dreams swirling the bowl...they are almost gone. Don't even get me started on the stupid ass bill that the state of Michigan thought they would try to pass to make infertility harder, more expensive, and throw in a little invasion of privacy. They want there to be mandatory reporting of who and when a person has a miscarriage. And that would be the states business because...?
I think I need to investigate the states that require that infertility treatments be paid for...maybe I can move there for a while.
Hope everyone has a Happy Halloween! I am excited about going trick or treating with the nephews. DH is going as Jason and I am going as his victim. Hopefully I will get some cute pictures to post.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Show and Tell
This is what I was going to show last week except I was in the hospital. I am feeling a little better now. i am still afraid to eat a lot so I am slowly introducing new foods. Yesterday I tried to eat a burger from So.nic. It is new in Michigan and I always see the commercials and it looks so good. So I babysat my nephews yesterday and then afterward we went. i ate half of the hamburger and then spent the night in the bathroom...not throwing up but other TMI stuff. I don't think it was me though cause hubby had the same problem so needless to say we won't be going there anymore.
Anyway another note before I get to show and tell. My nephews were so darn cute yesterday...I guess what else is new. But we had such a good time. Jo.ey wanted to show us the "scary house" in his neighborhood so we went for a walk. He showed us the way. I was wondering if he knew what he was talking about but he got us there and I was impressed. Now it was the long way but he did get us there. Then we had a leaf fight and buried each other in the leaves. The boys asked me pretty much right away how I was feeling and they both kissed my tummy and said that would make it feel better. Aww...it sure does!
Ok, so for show and tell this week I wanted to tell you about my FREE trip to CVS. I have mentioned here before that I have really got into couponing so this was the best trip I have had so far. Pictured above is what I got. in case you can't see all (taken with cell phone) this is what I got. 4-12 packs of coke, 2 cha.psticks, 2 adv.il PM, 2 bottles of ad.vil, 3 bags of ki.t k.ats, 3 10 packs of mo.unds bars, 1 bag of skittles, 1 bag of sta.rburst, and 2 bags of m.&m's. After coupons and sales I paid 29.41 ( I do not know what the total was before coupons and stuff because in the confusion of last week the receipt got lost). I received 25.00 in extra bucks, which are money I can use on my next trip there, and I will get back 4.80 back in bottle deposits so I actually made .39. Not bad for all the stuff I got...right? I was pretty excited about it.
To see what everyone else is showing at the head of the class, head on over to Mel's place.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Still can't eat...this sucks!
It is Sunday now and I still can not eat much. I am living on applesauce, crackers, and chicken noodle soup (mainly broth) and occasional piece of bread and butter. I am HUNGRY! but when I eat anything else I throw it up! I do not know why this is happening but this sucks! I feel fine other then that. Thank God no pain (knock on wood).
I remember after my endoscopy the nurse called my nurse and said they found a small hiatal hernia but that it would not account for my pain. No doctors ever mentioned it to me...not that I spoke to any doctors. I looked up info yesterday on it after getting sick yet again and it COULD account for some of my symptoms. If I understand correctly what I read it, said something about if the esophagus or whatever part they were saying, gets stuck then it can cause pain and nausea and vomiting. It can slide in and out and I am thinking that maybe it got stuck for a while and that is what has caused the problem. I don't know...I am using dr google.
Anyway, I guess what I am going to have to do is make an appointment with my regular doc, if I do not get better soon, and then get a referral to a specialist. If this keeps happening it needs to stop. I need to eat some time.
Anyone ever have any experience with a hernia? Did you have these problems? I know it said most people can have a hiatal hernia and not even know it because most of the time it does not cause symptoms unless it gets big or whatever gets stuck. I just want desperately to feel better.
I remember after my endoscopy the nurse called my nurse and said they found a small hiatal hernia but that it would not account for my pain. No doctors ever mentioned it to me...not that I spoke to any doctors. I looked up info yesterday on it after getting sick yet again and it COULD account for some of my symptoms. If I understand correctly what I read it, said something about if the esophagus or whatever part they were saying, gets stuck then it can cause pain and nausea and vomiting. It can slide in and out and I am thinking that maybe it got stuck for a while and that is what has caused the problem. I don't know...I am using dr google.
Anyway, I guess what I am going to have to do is make an appointment with my regular doc, if I do not get better soon, and then get a referral to a specialist. If this keeps happening it needs to stop. I need to eat some time.
Anyone ever have any experience with a hernia? Did you have these problems? I know it said most people can have a hiatal hernia and not even know it because most of the time it does not cause symptoms unless it gets big or whatever gets stuck. I just want desperately to feel better.
Friday, October 23, 2009
It felt like HELL!!
Sorry I have not been around but I have been through the ringer the last few days. I spent from Tuesday until last night in the hospital and believe me it was NOT FUN at all!! I guess when is being in the hospital fun? But I thought my hell would never end and I would forever feel as bad and in as much pain as I was. Thank God I am feeling better now!
So here is what happened... (sorry this may be a little long)
Tuesday was a normal day except that we had our usual fall flying ant problem. Usually once a year around this time after it got cold and then warms up we have a day where SWARMS of flying ants surround the front of our house. This year it happened on the side of our house. Of course the side where the hose doesn't really get to. Hubby tried to do the best he could but we spent HOURS just sitting by the vents and vacuuming HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of flying ants. EWW it creeps me out even typing this now. You know how I feel about bugs!
After doing that for a while I could not take it and I was getting hungry. So I went shopping which I will have to tell you later about my free shopping trip to CVS. I was going to do it for show and tell this week but I was not around. Anyway, I was having a Big Mac attack. I had not had one in a long time so I went to McD.0nalds and got a big mac and came home. Hubby and I turned on Her0es that we taped the night before and I started eating. Halfway through eating it was like one second I was fine and the next I thought I was going to die. I felt like I was going to throw up and there was a pain in my stomach that was hard to explain and one I had never experienced before. I gave the rest of my food to hubby who ate it and was just fine so I do not think it was the food but TRUST me after that experience I do not think I can EVER eat a Big Mac again!
Anyway, I spent the next hour or so sitting in the bathroom and pacing the house as things got bad. I called my sis to find out what a gallbladder attack felt like and she said I should go to the hospital. I hung up and immediately threw up. I felt better for like 10 minutes so I thought it was just what I ate. I called her back and said I would be fine it was just food that did not agree with me. I think 20 minutes or so later I was calling her as I was on the way to the hospital. The pain in my stomach came back with a vengence along with a fire in my chest and extreme nausea. I went into emergency and believe me I am sure they wanted to get me out as soon as possible because I was just moaning and screaming how bad it hurt forever. I could not cry because it made the nausea worse so all I could do is moan and scream. They tried a bunch of pain meds that did not work and I continued to throw up even though I had nothing but bile (sorry for TMI) in my stomach. They did a cat scan and came back and said everything was fine. I was stunned! I cried no that is not possible to which they said "this is good news. Just go home, it is probably just some virus." I was like THIS IS NOT GOOD NEWS!!! I need whatever is wrong with me to be FIXED!!
They discharged me and I was DEVASTATED!! I could not IMAGINE going home feeling the pain I felt. I could not breathe. It hurt so bad to breathe. My chest was on fire, my stomach felt like I was being stabbed and I could not hold anything down. They did not think it was the flu or anything because I did not have a fever, my blood pressure was AMAZINGLY fine and no body aches or anything. So I called my mom and she said that was ridiculous! that they sent me home. She said YOU need to go to another hospital, which is exactly what I wanted to do! My DH really DID NOT! He was understandably mad and frustrated because I was in so much pain and their was nothing he could do and obviously nothing the hospital was going to do. He did not want to go sit in another emergency room for them to say the same thing. I just kept saying we had went to a hospital that I would not normally go to because it is a little hole in the wall. We went because it was close and we did not have gas and we had no time to stop for gas. I said doctors are wrong all the time . I can NOT imagine going home and feeling this way. I have to try some where else. He reluctantly agreed. I figured I now needed my mom to come up there because he was being unusually grumpy about the situation and that is NOT what I needed. (he did turn around shortly after and I get why he did not want to do that again so I do not blame him).
So off I was to the next hospital and my mom was meeting us up there. They took me in right away because they wanted to do an EKG because I was telling them of the burning in my chest. They never did get a clear EKG. They kept telling me to lay still which was SO HARD to do but I eventually did and they still were unable to get a clear reading so they just left...for a long time! Meanwhile, I am basically screaming out in pain the whole time. My mom kept going to find out what was going on (which is good because that is not one of hubby's strong points. He does anything to avoid conflict so he does not want to bug people. He did eventually do it sometimes.) My sis showed up too. I was so thankful they were there but I felt SO BAD that everyone was sitting there ALL NIGHT and they still went to work even though I think my sis did not leave until 5:00am and my mom 6 or 7. So thank you so much to them!
So the hospital wanted to try another CAT scan but this time with me drinking the crap they want you to drink for that. i looked at them like they were NUTS because I could NOT hold anything down in my stomach. The ER nurse, who was a ROYAL BITCH by the way, said to try. I took a couple drinks and up it came. So now they said they are going to shove a tube up my nose and down my throat and then they will but the drink down that way and it will stay in my stomach. I did not believe them. They shoved that thing up my nose and it felt like someone took a knife and shoved it up my nose. That was ABSOLUTELY HORIFFIC! I thought drinking that stuff was horrible. I would drink that stuff everyday for dessert to avoid that thing in my nose and down my throat for the rest of my life! They put one of the 2 glasses down and said they had to wait a half hour and then do the 2nd. 10 minutes went by and up all of it came! I am not sure why they think it would not make me throw up. i was constantly throwing up and now you add a tube irritating your throat and gag reflex. That does not mix well. Well they were not to happy about that!
Pain meds and meds to make me relax were not working too well. They tried to tell me that it was because I take Perc0cet sometimes for my back. I had recently gotten a RX for 15 from my doc who will occasionally give them to me for my back. Usually just once before she makes me come in to see her. I had gotten one at the end of last week and taken 6 of them over 4 days and not the day of this event. They told me that was why the pain meds were not working. They eventually started giving me Diladid (however you spell it) and that worked! They had been trying morphine that did not work at all!
After I threw up the stuff the nurse was all huffy puffy about it, like I did it on purpose and said "I have to talk to the doc so you will have to wait!" What felt like forever later she came back and said, "they are probably going to admit you but you are going to have to keep the tube in your nose." to which I said, "no, I can NOT. Go talk to the doctor again because I CAn"T keep this in my nose". She came back and yanked it out. THANK GOD!! After a while they cam back and took me for a cat scan and injected die in my IV. The cat scan came back fine. Again they say "good news!" Again I say, "NO!". After a couple doses of meds I was able to relax a LITTLE and get an hour or 2 of sleep. It was not restful because I wold wake up because it was so uncomfortable but I would not want to move at all because I was afraid to break the spell of feeling ok for that second. they came back after a couple hours and said they were waiting to see where my HMO would let me get admitted. They said they were probably going to have to send me downtown. I did not want to do that and could not really understand because this hospital was in my network and I should not have problems.
Finally, a nice nurse came on duty and they figured out I could get admitted at that hospital. They said they could only keep me for observation and my insurance co. would only let me stay for 23hrs if there was nothing going on but I would have a meeting with a surgeon later in the morning. They said they could not give me anything more for pain until I met with the surgeon. i thought I would die! Later that morning I met with the surgeon who was SO NICE and genuinely concerned. The nurses on the floor were all great! They scheduled me for a scan of my gallbladder and bowel. I am not sure how I made it through that test. It was like 2hrs long. i had to keep stopping it because I had to throw up and I could not have anything for pain until this test was over. the surgeon came down while I was in the middle of the test and he said I will have something waiting for you as soon as you are done...just get through this test. The hard part was the last 30 minutes was when I could not have them stop it because they were stimulating my gallbladder and I felt like my stomach and chest were ON FIRE!!! The tech was great and just kept telling me "you can do it"...I kept saying no I can't. The last 15 minutes I was doing an announcement of how long I had to go every 30 seconds. i am sure I drove them all crazy but they never showed it! The tech also called for someone to pick me up 5 minutes before I was done so i would not have to wait and called my nurse to have her have pain meds waiting for me. When i got back to my bed I threw up, got some meds and felt the best relief for like an hour. It was so great.
Of course that test came back fine and so they scheduled me for an endoscopy for the next morning. I threw up about 5 more times and then my hubby helped me wash up including washing my hair in the sink. which felt like HEAVEN. It was weird after that though because, as soon as I washed my hair I had NO MORE nausea at all! Maybe my hair was making me sick...LOL. One thing down, now I just needed to get rid of this burning,stabbing in my stomach and chest. I did not get much sleep because it seemed like everytime I got relief from the pain meds it was then that everyone needed to come in the room and do and check a million things. Hospitals are definitely NOT the place to be if you need rest!! I kicked my hubby out at midnight because he was snoring in the chair and then I got a roommate who snored worse. UGH!! Slowly, my pain started subsiding more and more. I had my endoscopy and that came back...FINE...UGH! It is so frustrating when everything comes back fine and you feel like you are going to die. The surgeon talked about doing exploratory surgery but I had started feeling better and I do not want to go under the knife for the hell of it.
Now I just wanted to get out of there! However the attending doctor, who I did not like, NEVER came to talk to me after my tests. NEVER came to explain what was going on now left and no one could get a hold of her to discharge me. I started making a stink telling them that I did not think my insurance co would like them keeping me here if they were not going to be doing anything more for me. They tried for hours. Finally they called her husband who got worried because the family could not get a hold of her either. You know why?...Their house is so big that no one knew she was home and her cell phone died and she could not hear anyone looking for her. Such problems! I finally got released last night at like 7:00 pm. I was talking to my nurse and she had been asking me a lot about what I was feeling and she said she had the exact same thing like 3 weeks ago. she said she never calls in and she was out of work for 4 days and checked in taking tons of tests that all came back fine. She said she had the nausea nd the same exact pain with the same conclusion. They told me they THINK it was some sort of virus. I know this is the same thing that the 1st hospital told me but I still think I made the right decision to go to another hospital. I am glad I was admitted because I could not been IMAGINE how I would have made it at home in that much pain. I know there are worse things and many people go through much worse but this pain felt worse then my kidney stone. It made the kidney stone I had a year and half ago seem like a picnic on the beach in Hawaii compared to what I was going through.
So, I am home now and feeling better. I am still not eating much and I have been just laying around. I am actually afraid because I have NO idea what caused it so I have NO idea how to avoid it. I do not want to EVER feel that again! I just wish I knew how to prevent it. I have been trying to figure out anything I did differently, which I know probably has NOTHING to do with it, but psychologically my mind wants to try to figure out a reason. Whatever it was I hope it never crosses my path again!!!
Thank you to my sis, my mom and DH for being there. I wish I could have better answers.
I will be catching up with all of you over the next few days. I hope you are all better then I have been.
So here is what happened... (sorry this may be a little long)
Tuesday was a normal day except that we had our usual fall flying ant problem. Usually once a year around this time after it got cold and then warms up we have a day where SWARMS of flying ants surround the front of our house. This year it happened on the side of our house. Of course the side where the hose doesn't really get to. Hubby tried to do the best he could but we spent HOURS just sitting by the vents and vacuuming HUNDREDS and HUNDREDS of flying ants. EWW it creeps me out even typing this now. You know how I feel about bugs!
After doing that for a while I could not take it and I was getting hungry. So I went shopping which I will have to tell you later about my free shopping trip to CVS. I was going to do it for show and tell this week but I was not around. Anyway, I was having a Big Mac attack. I had not had one in a long time so I went to McD.0nalds and got a big mac and came home. Hubby and I turned on Her0es that we taped the night before and I started eating. Halfway through eating it was like one second I was fine and the next I thought I was going to die. I felt like I was going to throw up and there was a pain in my stomach that was hard to explain and one I had never experienced before. I gave the rest of my food to hubby who ate it and was just fine so I do not think it was the food but TRUST me after that experience I do not think I can EVER eat a Big Mac again!
Anyway, I spent the next hour or so sitting in the bathroom and pacing the house as things got bad. I called my sis to find out what a gallbladder attack felt like and she said I should go to the hospital. I hung up and immediately threw up. I felt better for like 10 minutes so I thought it was just what I ate. I called her back and said I would be fine it was just food that did not agree with me. I think 20 minutes or so later I was calling her as I was on the way to the hospital. The pain in my stomach came back with a vengence along with a fire in my chest and extreme nausea. I went into emergency and believe me I am sure they wanted to get me out as soon as possible because I was just moaning and screaming how bad it hurt forever. I could not cry because it made the nausea worse so all I could do is moan and scream. They tried a bunch of pain meds that did not work and I continued to throw up even though I had nothing but bile (sorry for TMI) in my stomach. They did a cat scan and came back and said everything was fine. I was stunned! I cried no that is not possible to which they said "this is good news. Just go home, it is probably just some virus." I was like THIS IS NOT GOOD NEWS!!! I need whatever is wrong with me to be FIXED!!
They discharged me and I was DEVASTATED!! I could not IMAGINE going home feeling the pain I felt. I could not breathe. It hurt so bad to breathe. My chest was on fire, my stomach felt like I was being stabbed and I could not hold anything down. They did not think it was the flu or anything because I did not have a fever, my blood pressure was AMAZINGLY fine and no body aches or anything. So I called my mom and she said that was ridiculous! that they sent me home. She said YOU need to go to another hospital, which is exactly what I wanted to do! My DH really DID NOT! He was understandably mad and frustrated because I was in so much pain and their was nothing he could do and obviously nothing the hospital was going to do. He did not want to go sit in another emergency room for them to say the same thing. I just kept saying we had went to a hospital that I would not normally go to because it is a little hole in the wall. We went because it was close and we did not have gas and we had no time to stop for gas. I said doctors are wrong all the time . I can NOT imagine going home and feeling this way. I have to try some where else. He reluctantly agreed. I figured I now needed my mom to come up there because he was being unusually grumpy about the situation and that is NOT what I needed. (he did turn around shortly after and I get why he did not want to do that again so I do not blame him).
So off I was to the next hospital and my mom was meeting us up there. They took me in right away because they wanted to do an EKG because I was telling them of the burning in my chest. They never did get a clear EKG. They kept telling me to lay still which was SO HARD to do but I eventually did and they still were unable to get a clear reading so they just left...for a long time! Meanwhile, I am basically screaming out in pain the whole time. My mom kept going to find out what was going on (which is good because that is not one of hubby's strong points. He does anything to avoid conflict so he does not want to bug people. He did eventually do it sometimes.) My sis showed up too. I was so thankful they were there but I felt SO BAD that everyone was sitting there ALL NIGHT and they still went to work even though I think my sis did not leave until 5:00am and my mom 6 or 7. So thank you so much to them!
So the hospital wanted to try another CAT scan but this time with me drinking the crap they want you to drink for that. i looked at them like they were NUTS because I could NOT hold anything down in my stomach. The ER nurse, who was a ROYAL BITCH by the way, said to try. I took a couple drinks and up it came. So now they said they are going to shove a tube up my nose and down my throat and then they will but the drink down that way and it will stay in my stomach. I did not believe them. They shoved that thing up my nose and it felt like someone took a knife and shoved it up my nose. That was ABSOLUTELY HORIFFIC! I thought drinking that stuff was horrible. I would drink that stuff everyday for dessert to avoid that thing in my nose and down my throat for the rest of my life! They put one of the 2 glasses down and said they had to wait a half hour and then do the 2nd. 10 minutes went by and up all of it came! I am not sure why they think it would not make me throw up. i was constantly throwing up and now you add a tube irritating your throat and gag reflex. That does not mix well. Well they were not to happy about that!
Pain meds and meds to make me relax were not working too well. They tried to tell me that it was because I take Perc0cet sometimes for my back. I had recently gotten a RX for 15 from my doc who will occasionally give them to me for my back. Usually just once before she makes me come in to see her. I had gotten one at the end of last week and taken 6 of them over 4 days and not the day of this event. They told me that was why the pain meds were not working. They eventually started giving me Diladid (however you spell it) and that worked! They had been trying morphine that did not work at all!
After I threw up the stuff the nurse was all huffy puffy about it, like I did it on purpose and said "I have to talk to the doc so you will have to wait!" What felt like forever later she came back and said, "they are probably going to admit you but you are going to have to keep the tube in your nose." to which I said, "no, I can NOT. Go talk to the doctor again because I CAn"T keep this in my nose". She came back and yanked it out. THANK GOD!! After a while they cam back and took me for a cat scan and injected die in my IV. The cat scan came back fine. Again they say "good news!" Again I say, "NO!". After a couple doses of meds I was able to relax a LITTLE and get an hour or 2 of sleep. It was not restful because I wold wake up because it was so uncomfortable but I would not want to move at all because I was afraid to break the spell of feeling ok for that second. they came back after a couple hours and said they were waiting to see where my HMO would let me get admitted. They said they were probably going to have to send me downtown. I did not want to do that and could not really understand because this hospital was in my network and I should not have problems.
Finally, a nice nurse came on duty and they figured out I could get admitted at that hospital. They said they could only keep me for observation and my insurance co. would only let me stay for 23hrs if there was nothing going on but I would have a meeting with a surgeon later in the morning. They said they could not give me anything more for pain until I met with the surgeon. i thought I would die! Later that morning I met with the surgeon who was SO NICE and genuinely concerned. The nurses on the floor were all great! They scheduled me for a scan of my gallbladder and bowel. I am not sure how I made it through that test. It was like 2hrs long. i had to keep stopping it because I had to throw up and I could not have anything for pain until this test was over. the surgeon came down while I was in the middle of the test and he said I will have something waiting for you as soon as you are done...just get through this test. The hard part was the last 30 minutes was when I could not have them stop it because they were stimulating my gallbladder and I felt like my stomach and chest were ON FIRE!!! The tech was great and just kept telling me "you can do it"...I kept saying no I can't. The last 15 minutes I was doing an announcement of how long I had to go every 30 seconds. i am sure I drove them all crazy but they never showed it! The tech also called for someone to pick me up 5 minutes before I was done so i would not have to wait and called my nurse to have her have pain meds waiting for me. When i got back to my bed I threw up, got some meds and felt the best relief for like an hour. It was so great.
Of course that test came back fine and so they scheduled me for an endoscopy for the next morning. I threw up about 5 more times and then my hubby helped me wash up including washing my hair in the sink. which felt like HEAVEN. It was weird after that though because, as soon as I washed my hair I had NO MORE nausea at all! Maybe my hair was making me sick...LOL. One thing down, now I just needed to get rid of this burning,stabbing in my stomach and chest. I did not get much sleep because it seemed like everytime I got relief from the pain meds it was then that everyone needed to come in the room and do and check a million things. Hospitals are definitely NOT the place to be if you need rest!! I kicked my hubby out at midnight because he was snoring in the chair and then I got a roommate who snored worse. UGH!! Slowly, my pain started subsiding more and more. I had my endoscopy and that came back...FINE...UGH! It is so frustrating when everything comes back fine and you feel like you are going to die. The surgeon talked about doing exploratory surgery but I had started feeling better and I do not want to go under the knife for the hell of it.
Now I just wanted to get out of there! However the attending doctor, who I did not like, NEVER came to talk to me after my tests. NEVER came to explain what was going on now left and no one could get a hold of her to discharge me. I started making a stink telling them that I did not think my insurance co would like them keeping me here if they were not going to be doing anything more for me. They tried for hours. Finally they called her husband who got worried because the family could not get a hold of her either. You know why?...Their house is so big that no one knew she was home and her cell phone died and she could not hear anyone looking for her. Such problems! I finally got released last night at like 7:00 pm. I was talking to my nurse and she had been asking me a lot about what I was feeling and she said she had the exact same thing like 3 weeks ago. she said she never calls in and she was out of work for 4 days and checked in taking tons of tests that all came back fine. She said she had the nausea nd the same exact pain with the same conclusion. They told me they THINK it was some sort of virus. I know this is the same thing that the 1st hospital told me but I still think I made the right decision to go to another hospital. I am glad I was admitted because I could not been IMAGINE how I would have made it at home in that much pain. I know there are worse things and many people go through much worse but this pain felt worse then my kidney stone. It made the kidney stone I had a year and half ago seem like a picnic on the beach in Hawaii compared to what I was going through.
So, I am home now and feeling better. I am still not eating much and I have been just laying around. I am actually afraid because I have NO idea what caused it so I have NO idea how to avoid it. I do not want to EVER feel that again! I just wish I knew how to prevent it. I have been trying to figure out anything I did differently, which I know probably has NOTHING to do with it, but psychologically my mind wants to try to figure out a reason. Whatever it was I hope it never crosses my path again!!!
Thank you to my sis, my mom and DH for being there. I wish I could have better answers.
I will be catching up with all of you over the next few days. I hope you are all better then I have been.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Another date passes
So, I think this weekend I kind of went off the deep end. I completely lost it! I am sure it is because of October 15th being Pregnancy Loss Remembrance and then October 18th being the 2nd of my losses EDD. I should have a 4 yr old, I should have a 3yr old...for that matter I should have a 2yr old and a 1 yr old. Now granted had any of the previous pregnancies worked out I would not have all those consecutive children but I do have all those angels.
I started thinking of these things and then Saturday came and I could not stop crying. I think I cried more on Saturday then I have in the last year combined. It was non stop and my poor hubby did not really know what to do. I was suppose to go to my sis's and play cards and I really wanted to see my nephews because I thought maybe they could cheer me up but, it also had the possibility of making me more sad and I really did not want them to see me like I was.
So I hibernated for the weekend. I spent the last few days feeling very sorry for myself. For once in my life I did not care that the dishes were piled up in the sink, the laundry was not done, and I did not leave the couch or even get on the computer all that much. I thought and I cried, and I cried and I thought some more and today I am feeling better. I was worried a little yesterday because I don't usually like to dwell for more then a day but I could not snap out of it. I felt bad for all I did not have. For all I wish I had. I was angry, I was hurt, and I felt my heart break in to a thousand pieces again. I wondered if it was possible to keep repairing the same heart over and over again. Maybe it is not completely repaired and maybe it never will be but apparently a few cracks and missing pieces are still ok.
Today I woke up and made myself clean the house. I turned on some music and my mood seemed better. I think I just needed a few days to feel really bad for me. For it to be ok that I was sad, mad, frustrated. To not worry what everyone else would think if I just felt sorry for myself for a while. I made it through yet another date. I will make it through more and someday hopefully I will be able to remember as I am holding my baby in my arms.
Thanks to hubby for not calling the loony bin on me.
I started thinking of these things and then Saturday came and I could not stop crying. I think I cried more on Saturday then I have in the last year combined. It was non stop and my poor hubby did not really know what to do. I was suppose to go to my sis's and play cards and I really wanted to see my nephews because I thought maybe they could cheer me up but, it also had the possibility of making me more sad and I really did not want them to see me like I was.
So I hibernated for the weekend. I spent the last few days feeling very sorry for myself. For once in my life I did not care that the dishes were piled up in the sink, the laundry was not done, and I did not leave the couch or even get on the computer all that much. I thought and I cried, and I cried and I thought some more and today I am feeling better. I was worried a little yesterday because I don't usually like to dwell for more then a day but I could not snap out of it. I felt bad for all I did not have. For all I wish I had. I was angry, I was hurt, and I felt my heart break in to a thousand pieces again. I wondered if it was possible to keep repairing the same heart over and over again. Maybe it is not completely repaired and maybe it never will be but apparently a few cracks and missing pieces are still ok.
Today I woke up and made myself clean the house. I turned on some music and my mood seemed better. I think I just needed a few days to feel really bad for me. For it to be ok that I was sad, mad, frustrated. To not worry what everyone else would think if I just felt sorry for myself for a while. I made it through yet another date. I will make it through more and someday hopefully I will be able to remember as I am holding my baby in my arms.
Thanks to hubby for not calling the loony bin on me.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Another Award
Thanks to Melissa.
rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.
7 things you don't know....this may be hard...I did do 101 things you may not know so if these are a repeat sorry...
1. I absolutely HATE Peanut Butter...I can not even stand the smell of it!
2. I am a terrible insomniac. I can be exhausted all day but once 10pm hits I am wide awake and am often found awake at 5:00 AM. It is horrible!
3. My back is feeling better today...finally
4.I have a hard time with decisions. I am afraid of making the wrong one so I am constantly over analyzing EVERYTHING.
5. If I was stranded on an island and had one book to take with me it would be (besides the Bible) "I know this much is True" by Wally Lamb. It is an awesome book and has so many layers. Not my usual type of book but it is so so good!
6. I am VERY IMPATIENT! I Hate waiting more then anything, which is difficult with infertility since it is all you do. I have not gotten better at it.
7. If I won the lotto my first purchase would be IVF. Literally I believe I would be at th RE's office the day after I won.
Well that is all I got and now on to nominating 7 people.
1. Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility
2. Building Heavenly Bridges
3. Maybe it is just me
4. Eskimo Kisses For you
5. Hope.Faith.Patience
6. I want to be a mommy
7. Finally A Mom
And anyone else who would like to join in.
rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.
7 things you don't know....this may be hard...I did do 101 things you may not know so if these are a repeat sorry...
1. I absolutely HATE Peanut Butter...I can not even stand the smell of it!
2. I am a terrible insomniac. I can be exhausted all day but once 10pm hits I am wide awake and am often found awake at 5:00 AM. It is horrible!
3. My back is feeling better today...finally
4.I have a hard time with decisions. I am afraid of making the wrong one so I am constantly over analyzing EVERYTHING.
5. If I was stranded on an island and had one book to take with me it would be (besides the Bible) "I know this much is True" by Wally Lamb. It is an awesome book and has so many layers. Not my usual type of book but it is so so good!
6. I am VERY IMPATIENT! I Hate waiting more then anything, which is difficult with infertility since it is all you do. I have not gotten better at it.
7. If I won the lotto my first purchase would be IVF. Literally I believe I would be at th RE's office the day after I won.
Well that is all I got and now on to nominating 7 people.
1. Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility
2. Building Heavenly Bridges
3. Maybe it is just me
4. Eskimo Kisses For you
5. Hope.Faith.Patience
6. I want to be a mommy
7. Finally A Mom
And anyone else who would like to join in.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Go here for more info http://www.october15th.com/.
Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It is a day that brings to the front of every one's mind all the babies that are lost every year. I remember EVERY DAY!
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my angels that should be in my arms instead of in my heart. Not a day goes by that I do not at some point think about what should have been, instead of what is. I miss all 4 of them every minute of every day.
I think of the hugs I do not feel. The kisses, the "I love you mommy" that I do not get to hear. I just get to imagine what it would be like to hear and feel those things. I Lost 4 pregnancies WAY to early, along with many women out there today. Today I think of you, I think of me, and I think of all our angels that will remain in our hearts forever!
Tonight, join the wave of light and light a candle from 7:00 pm - 8:00 pm. My candle will burn in loving memory of my 4 angel babies and yours. Gone TOO SOON and MISSED MORE THEN WORDS CAN EVER SAY!
Please join me.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Things are not always as they seem
Sorry I have been bad about writing lately. Nothing much has been going on and I have not been feeling very inspired. Yesterday I woke up and my back started hurting BAD!!!! It is still pretty BAD today. So I am back to laying on the couch and watching TV. I haven't been on the computer too much.
Last night I was watching Jo.n and K.ate plus 8 and the whole situation that they have just makes me real sad for the children. I learned a lesson though. When I first started watching I was jealous. Not that they have 8 children 6 of which they had at the same time because that has to be a hard road to go but because they tried fertility treatments and it worked right away for them. Why could that not happen for me? Not only did they get twins the first time but then had 6 more (again I do not want 6 at the same time). I wondered what I had to do just to have one. Even though it was hard they seemed happy. Now I watch and I just feel bad. It is hard to believe that last year I was watching them get remarried in Hawaii and this year they are divorced. Who is paying the price? The children will. I come from a divorced family and it is not and easy road. Then not to mention it is all being played out on TV. They have to watch bad things being said about their mom on TV. I mean they probably are not seeing it right now but some day they will see it.
When it first started, I was really late to the drama. I think it had been going on for 3 months before I even knew what was going on. At first, I was on Jo.n's side. I mean she was not a very nice person and I always wondered why he put up with it. But as time has gone on and I saw his most recent interview where he spent the entire time talking bad about the mother of his children on national TV all was done for me as far as he goes. My dad used to do the same thing to my mom. He would talk bad about my mother to us all the time. My mother never said anything bad about my dad...NEVER! Not until we were much older and had figured it out for ourselves. Well it back fired on my dad because I have not spoken to him in 15 years. Not because of that but because he is crazy but him talking about my mother never sat well with me and only made me feel bad for my mom.
Anyway, I guess it just goes to show that you never know what is going on in peoples lives. On the outside they can look like they have everything you want. Family, money, etc. But really what they don't have is one of the most important things we all seek...Happiness. I may not have 8 children, or even 1, but with DH I am always happy and I know I am loved.
Last night I was watching Jo.n and K.ate plus 8 and the whole situation that they have just makes me real sad for the children. I learned a lesson though. When I first started watching I was jealous. Not that they have 8 children 6 of which they had at the same time because that has to be a hard road to go but because they tried fertility treatments and it worked right away for them. Why could that not happen for me? Not only did they get twins the first time but then had 6 more (again I do not want 6 at the same time). I wondered what I had to do just to have one. Even though it was hard they seemed happy. Now I watch and I just feel bad. It is hard to believe that last year I was watching them get remarried in Hawaii and this year they are divorced. Who is paying the price? The children will. I come from a divorced family and it is not and easy road. Then not to mention it is all being played out on TV. They have to watch bad things being said about their mom on TV. I mean they probably are not seeing it right now but some day they will see it.
When it first started, I was really late to the drama. I think it had been going on for 3 months before I even knew what was going on. At first, I was on Jo.n's side. I mean she was not a very nice person and I always wondered why he put up with it. But as time has gone on and I saw his most recent interview where he spent the entire time talking bad about the mother of his children on national TV all was done for me as far as he goes. My dad used to do the same thing to my mom. He would talk bad about my mother to us all the time. My mother never said anything bad about my dad...NEVER! Not until we were much older and had figured it out for ourselves. Well it back fired on my dad because I have not spoken to him in 15 years. Not because of that but because he is crazy but him talking about my mother never sat well with me and only made me feel bad for my mom.
Anyway, I guess it just goes to show that you never know what is going on in peoples lives. On the outside they can look like they have everything you want. Family, money, etc. But really what they don't have is one of the most important things we all seek...Happiness. I may not have 8 children, or even 1, but with DH I am always happy and I know I am loved.
Friday, October 9, 2009
GREAT DEAL
Go here http://www.freeopks.com/and sign up. You can get 10 OPK or 10 Pregnancy tests or a combination of both for FREE!!!!!
Hurry! I do not know how long it will last.
Hurry! I do not know how long it will last.
YAWN!!!!
YAWN!!! I'm here but have not been writing too much. Things in my life are pretty boring! I guess boring is better then bad but it does not make for a good blog. It has been very rainy and ugly. I love fall but not if it is going to be like this. We hardly got any rain all summer but now it seems to be making up for it.
I did get some good news today. We had applied for hardship assistance from our mortgage company and today they called to let us know that they approved us for a unemployment forbearance. Basically they are going to let us pay 244.00 a month through February and then I can call them in February and see where we are and what we can do at that time. If I am back to work then we will work out a payment plan to pay back what we currently owe them. The good thing is that I will not be racking up more payments starting with this month through Feb. They will just consider the 244 as our payment.We still owe them 4000 but at least we have bought some time and it is a lot better then a lot of people I know that have not had such luck with their mortgage company. So that definitely took a load off my mind for a while.
Other then that I really have NOTHING going on and no progress being made on the baby front. I hope everyone has a great weekend!
I did get some good news today. We had applied for hardship assistance from our mortgage company and today they called to let us know that they approved us for a unemployment forbearance. Basically they are going to let us pay 244.00 a month through February and then I can call them in February and see where we are and what we can do at that time. If I am back to work then we will work out a payment plan to pay back what we currently owe them. The good thing is that I will not be racking up more payments starting with this month through Feb. They will just consider the 244 as our payment.We still owe them 4000 but at least we have bought some time and it is a lot better then a lot of people I know that have not had such luck with their mortgage company. So that definitely took a load off my mind for a while.
Other then that I really have NOTHING going on and no progress being made on the baby front. I hope everyone has a great weekend!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
An Award!
Thanks to Melissa for this award!
Here are the rules
1. you can only use one word!
2. pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. alert them that you have given them this award!
4. have fun!
The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your hair? short
3. your mother? strong
4. Your father? a@$hole
5. Your favorite food? ribs
6. Your dream last night? crazy
7. Your favorite drink? coke
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? couponing
11. Your fear? alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? patient
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. Wish list item? Wii
17. Where did you grow up? Michigan
18. Last thing you did? shopped
19. What are you wearing? pj's
20. Your TV? on
21. Your pets? three
22. Friends? many
23. Your life? blessed
24. Your mood? calm
25. Missing someone? Katie Jo
26. Vehicle? minivan
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? 2 days ago
32. Your best friend? sis
33. One place that I go to over and over? online
34. One person who emails me regularly? MIL
35. Favorite place to eat? home
I nominate: Hmmm so hard to choose...I love you all!
Sunny in Seattle
Here are the rules
1. you can only use one word!
2. pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. alert them that you have given them this award!
4. have fun!
The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your hair? short
3. your mother? strong
4. Your father? a@$hole
5. Your favorite food? ribs
6. Your dream last night? crazy
7. Your favorite drink? coke
8. Your dream/goal? baby
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? couponing
11. Your fear? alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? patient
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. Wish list item? Wii
17. Where did you grow up? Michigan
18. Last thing you did? shopped
19. What are you wearing? pj's
20. Your TV? on
21. Your pets? three
22. Friends? many
23. Your life? blessed
24. Your mood? calm
25. Missing someone? Katie Jo
26. Vehicle? minivan
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? 2 days ago
32. Your best friend? sis
33. One place that I go to over and over? online
34. One person who emails me regularly? MIL
35. Favorite place to eat? home
I nominate: Hmmm so hard to choose...I love you all!
Sunny in Seattle
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Another pet gone. :(
One of my birds died on Friday. :( I wasn't a big fan of the birds. We have had several birds and they all died fairly quickly. I would like one that talks. We had one that talked a long time ago but because we over heated teflon in one of our pans the bird breathed it in and died. We did not know teflon was deadly. After that we have had 4 different parakeets. I did not want the last 2 that we have but they were my niece's and she was moving and could not take them with her, so we took them. They were OK. Because there was 2 of them they kept each other company and did not want to be bothered by us humans. Well, Thursday night DH was talking to them and said to me that the boy did not look well. He was losing his feathers. The next day he was gone. I am sad now. I feel bad for the other bird because that was her buddy. I imagine she is going to be incredibly lonely now. We have been paying a lot of attention to her lately but she does not really like it. I don't know...we are not having much luck with animals lately. Maybe my other animals should run far away from us. :(
I had lunch with a friend on Friday. We don't get to see each other much but it is so nice when we do. She came over and had lunch here. She used to live here. We bought the house from her. I spent all day Thursday cleaning because I always feel like the house should be xtra clean for her since this used to be her house. It was a very nice visit.
Friday night my sis brought the kids over and DH watched them while her and I did another round of double coupon shopping at Kmart. Which we both did even better this time. No.ah who is normally a little leary of dogs has become completely crazy over Sammy. DH said all he wanted to do was pet him all the time. Then yesterday my sis called me and said that Noah had been yelling my name into a fake phone and she figured maybe to get him to stop he could really talk to me. He got on the phone and his first thing was, "Is Sammy good?". Every time I talk to him that is one of his first questions. It is so cute.
I was thinking last night that I do not want my nephews to grow up. Talking to them on the phone just brings a smile to my face. Their sweet innocent voices. I have a couple messages from No.ah on my phone and I listen to them at least once a day. When he says "I love you" in his little 2 yr old voice...nothing is better!
Anyway, that is all that has been going on with me. It has been a pretty dreary weekend. I think Fall has officially begun in Michigan. I love Fall but I don't like rainy and dreary.
I hope you all have had a great weekend!
I had lunch with a friend on Friday. We don't get to see each other much but it is so nice when we do. She came over and had lunch here. She used to live here. We bought the house from her. I spent all day Thursday cleaning because I always feel like the house should be xtra clean for her since this used to be her house. It was a very nice visit.
Friday night my sis brought the kids over and DH watched them while her and I did another round of double coupon shopping at Kmart. Which we both did even better this time. No.ah who is normally a little leary of dogs has become completely crazy over Sammy. DH said all he wanted to do was pet him all the time. Then yesterday my sis called me and said that Noah had been yelling my name into a fake phone and she figured maybe to get him to stop he could really talk to me. He got on the phone and his first thing was, "Is Sammy good?". Every time I talk to him that is one of his first questions. It is so cute.
I was thinking last night that I do not want my nephews to grow up. Talking to them on the phone just brings a smile to my face. Their sweet innocent voices. I have a couple messages from No.ah on my phone and I listen to them at least once a day. When he says "I love you" in his little 2 yr old voice...nothing is better!
Anyway, that is all that has been going on with me. It has been a pretty dreary weekend. I think Fall has officially begun in Michigan. I love Fall but I don't like rainy and dreary.
I hope you all have had a great weekend!
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