I am a Strong and Worthy Person!

Congratulations to me, today is my 200th post. I can't believe I have kept up with this for 200 posts. I was unsure when I started if I would continue or if I would even like it. Blogging has given me so much though. I am happy for all the wonderful friends I have made all around the world. People who are just like me. So thank you all for continuing to come here and support me. It brings a smile to my face everyday.


So anyway, last night I was watching Gho.sts of Gir.lfr1ends Past. Which by the way, was a good movie (although you may not get that from this post). Although I am a little biased seeing as it had my boy in the movie. I LOVE me some Matt.hew McC0naughey!  I don't usually go ga ga for a movie star, but he is my exception.  (oh an I am not really giving anything away about the movie so don't worry about that)


So at the beginning of the movie, 3 of the bridesmaids are sitting around talking about the men they wanted to sleep with and stuff like that. One girl says something like "oh, look at that one he is hot!" and then the response to her is "he is married" and then she says," Do they have kids? They are not really married unless they have kids."  Which made my jaw drop a little. I thought that was hurtful. I mean, I know it is a movie but still hurtful to hear that out loud. But then after contemplating it for a few minutes I realized that this is exactly how I feel. Not so much the "not really being married part" because I do feel married ,but most of the time I do not feel like an adult. I feel like a teenager playing house.  But I definitely DO NOT feel like a family. 


I know I have discussed this before but this really made me think. I guess I thought that it was something that was in my head. Some crazy, feeling sorry for my self, woe is me, thoughts that float through my infertile brain. Then I heard it and I was like NO...THAT IS NOT RIGHT!!! This is where the looks from other people come from. This is where we, as infertiles, get funny looks from people because we do not have children. This is why my "infertile brain" feels like I am less of a family, less of a person...because I do not have children. It is constantly perpetuated in movies and on TV. I do realize that this is a MOVIE and that it was a comment from some slutty girls, wanting to get some action, and used for comic purposes but unfortunately many people take all the information they get from TV, movies, and even the news and think ALL of it is FACT or the rule rather then the exception. It is the same thing that has happened with Octo mom and the woman that had the wrong embryo transferred. That one statement, no matter how harmless it was, had me thinking all night about the constant negative images and stories we are bombarded with on a steady basis. No wonder we feel the way we do.


We, going through all we are, have a lot of information that the general public does not. We know that being pregnant and the delivering 8 babies is next to impossible and that no responsible doctor would do such a thing. We know that mistakes are made sometime but that most IVF offices double, triple, check a million times to make sure that they are transferring the right embryos. We KNOW these things but not everyone else does. So if you are like me and have been open with your whole TTC journey then you spend time explaining to people why there is a 99.9% chance that this will not happen to you. You spend time trying to explain that people going for IVF are not there because they waited to long to have children or because they want to design the perfect kid with blonde hair and blue eyes. It is about wanting to feel complete.


The real problem comes in, when you hear something enough you start to believe it. No matter how much you know in your heart that it is not true...your head starts to think...well maybe it is true. Your brain has no way of telling the truth from a lie. That is why the "power of positive thinking" movement is strong. If you tell your brain that you are not good enough it will start to believe it.


My mom illustrated this to me a long time when I was a teenager. She showed me that what you repeat to yourself,  is what you will be. She told me to stand there and repeat over and over "I am a strong and worthy person". Thinking it and believing it while I said it and then she said to hold my arms out to my sides and then she tried to push them down and my arms did not budge. I mean they did not move at all! Then she said to do the opposite..." to repeat " I am a weak and unworthy person". Thinking it and believing it. I held out my arms and she pressed down and my arms were down at my side in a second.  It works. I have done it many times in my life to show that to people and it works every time. However, I haven't gotten it to work with "I am a mom with many children"...yet. LOL


This is why I try to avoid the news. It is so depressing most of the time or just trying to cause a panic in people. It drives me crazy. I only watch it like once a week so I can stay on top of what is going on. I do not watch because I know that watching those images all the time would depress me to no end! I will read news because I can choose the stories I want to focus my attention on and I can stay up to date. I just don't watch because I have no control over what they show next.


So I am sorry if this has sounded like a jumbled mess of thoughts but this is what my brain was doing last night.  Luckily the one little comment did not spoil the movie for me. I mean it was not some horrible theme of the movie or anything it just made me think about how all the little statements and the stories all add up to something bugger. It shapes the way people view things, including how we view ourselves.  I know if you pick something a part enough you can find fault with anything, but that just really jumped out at me. I guess because it is a thought that has run through my head and if it is something that can run through mine and I KNOW differently then I have to believe that those that DON"T KNOW differently are thinking it as well and there goes the vicious cycle that we have entered. The mind and heart games this infertile thing plays is hard to overcome but everyday I have to try or I guess or I would hide myself in my room for eternity. I just need to repeat...I AM A STRONG AND WORTHY PERSON!


Isn't it funny how one little line from a movie (that most people probably would miss) can cause all that thought?

Saving money, Losing money and other things

Just got done with my shopping trips for the week and man it is exhausting. I have really gotten into the coupon thing. It is amazing how much money you save, especially when you match it with sales. My Super Kmart was doing double coupons up to 2.00 so my sister (I got her into it too, now) came over and we went. The weird thing is...we both spent the same amount and had the same total after coupons but we got different things. Then I went to Target and got a rain check that they told me yesterday I could not get. I went back today and had no problem. The girl yesterday just did want to take the time...totally ticked me off. Then I went to CVS. Overall, my total at all stores was 110 and I spent 50.00. wish I would have taken a picture to show you all I got because it just amazes me. It is hard work because it takes time to get all the coupons together and figure out where the best places to go each time but it is so worth it in the end. I can not believe how much money I have wasted over the years!

Anyway, today is my mom's birthday so Happy Birthday Mom! She does not read here, thank God, but just thought I would put it out there. Yesterday we went to my sisters and celebrated moms and hers birthday. I made my ice cream pie for my mom. It is our favorite. It was hard to have it sit in my house after making it and not eat it. Then we all went to the casino. It sucked! We all lost. :(

I can not believe it is almost October. Where has the time gone? I have been out of work for 3 months...it does not feel like it. So 2 funny things about the job search. 1. I got an email from a company that wanted me to apply. They were listing their perks, and no joke, one of the perks was..."free access to walk around the office.". LOL Phew so happy they would not chain me to my desk. Anyway, it turns out that company is a scam because they were asking for my credit info before they even meet me. Yea sure I will get right on that...UM NO WAY! 2. I applied to a MAJOR cable company ( I won't mention the name but they are pretty big all around so you can probably figure it out) because my BIL works there and likes it. Plus, it is basicaaly a job tailored to what I have done. I mean if someone wrote a job description describing what I have done for the last 15 years of my life, this job would have been it. Plus a major perk with them is they will pay for IVF. I mean I really do not want to go into a call center again but it would have been waaaay worth it. So, I get an email from them on Friday, saying they have decided that I am not qualified enough for the job. Oh really, I do NOT even think they read my resume! It's their major LOSS because I am sure they are going to hire some person that has half the experience of me or less and they will quit or something and they will have lost out on a good employee. I just found it HILARIOUS that they said that I was not qualified. It proves they did not even look but  I think they should have just said, at this time all the positions are filled and we will keep you in mind for the future...IDIOTS!

Sammy has been doing REALLY good (besides being VERY lonely). He is feeling so much better, I am so glad that I TOLD the vet to give him anti inflammatory drugs. Who knows what would have happened if I had not...

We picked up Katie Jo's ashes. She was cremated because her original "mom" wants her to be buried with her. I had to call the vet inquiring where they were because they told me it would be a week and it was 10 days and I had not heard. She said she called our old phone number from 5 years ago and then said "you signed off on it" (very snotty). First off, you have my right phone number because you have called me several times at it...2nd when I "signed off" on it, it was when I was hysterically crying because I had just lost my dog. You handed me a piece of paper and said can you verify that this is her name and age. Nothing (that I remember) about phone number. 3rd I was not mad or anything I just asked where the ashes were because it had been a while. So hubby picks up ashes and I tell him I want to keep some of the ashes for us. I have put a box together with her collar, favorite toy, favorite blanket and then I was going to put her ashes in there and then if we end up staying here I will bury her in the backyard or if we move I will bury her there. Hubby says NO! He says he has no desire to keep her ashes. I burst into tears because I just want to have some piece of her and he says fine. I know it may be weird to some people but I needed that.

Well, that is what has been going on with me the last few days. I hope all is well with all of you and that you have had a WONDERFUL weekend.

Talk to you soon!

HUH?!?!?

Did anyone catch this http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33006136/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/?GT1=43001

How does that happen? I did not even know this was possible. Just another thing for me to wonder how is it that, that can happen but I can not even have one!!!!!! I just do not get it...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!!!!

                                           


So today is my sisters birthday and I wanted to take a moment (since I know she reads here) to tell her Happy Birthday!

Sis, you are an amazing woman! I look at you today, now that you are 31 and I am so happy with who you have become. You are great mom and a terrific sister! Thank you for always being there for me. Thank for all the times we have shared. We have cried till we laughed and laughed till we cried and bonded during some difficult times. Many years ago we were not that close but have since worked on and developed a very close relationship.  Today I can say that I am thankful you are my sister AND I am blessed and thrilled that you are also my best friend.

I hope you have the FANTASTIC DAY you deserve!!!!


xxooxxoo
Love,
Your Big Sis

My HeartAches

I have so many things on mind lately but I haven't been able to really figure out how to get them into words. I can put down one sentence and then I am stuck...

I feel lonely yet I am not alone. I am surrounded by people who love me yet I have this aching loneliness that won't go away. I hesitate to write that because I don't want to hurt those around me like they are not enough for me or something, because that is not it. I don't want DH to ever feel like I am not happy with him because if I had a choice of being with him and never having kids or not being with him and having kids...I would choose him everyday of the week and twice on Sunday's... But my heart still aches.

It is an ache that I can't even describe because nothing seems to do it justice. Sometimes it just takes my breath away. I just read a post that I had started but did not finish. It was just 2 days before we put Katie Jo down. It talked about how good she was doing. It makes my heart ache for her even more. I feel like people are thinking...just get over it already...but I can't right now. In my world, there are no babies, I only have my fur babies, and I just lost one.

On the outside I am fine...on the inside my mind is spinning, my heart is broken and I just do not have a clue on how to fix either of those things. In a review of the last year of my life, it has pretty much sucked! I fell and hurt my back pretty bad. No babies. People I thought were my friends stabbed me in the back. I lost my job. No babies. I lost my car. I lost my dog. I may lose my house. Did I mention no babies? and no hope for one anytime soon? I'm one year older but feel like I am going backwards (hey, maybe I could write a country song). Yet with all these things I still feel like a whiny brat because I know so many people have it so much worse. I should count my blessings...I do have many. Yet right now the record in my head is skipping at "Why me?". I don't know how to get unstuck. You would think after 9 years of this infertility CRAP I would be a pro.

Maybe just typing this out and finally getting it out of my head will help. What do you do when you are stuck and feeling down, to feel better?

Sorry if this sounded like a jumbled mess but that is what my mind feels like lately.

Locked out

Not much going on with me. I am still trying to get used to Katie Jo not being here. I can't believe how different it feels. I haven't been through a day yet without shedding a tear or two. It really sucks to have to make a decision like that.

Anyway, yesterday my DH locked us out of the house. It sucked!! Our neighbors have a key but of course they were not home. DH had taken the key from our hiding spot and never replaced it and me being the super safe person that I am, I had all doors and windows locked up. So, it was a no go on breaking in. I guess that is reassuring, but yesterday it sucked. We couldn't go any where because, of course our car keys are attached to our house keys, so we had to sit on our porch and wait until our neighbors, HOPEFULLY, came home. 3 hrs and much aggravation later they came home and we were able to get back in.

Still no luck in the job department. I am hopefully going to be able to pay my RE the money I owe him in the next few weeks and will then be able to make an appointment to see him. Keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out the way I have planned. But, we all know what happens to the best of plans.

Sammy is still doing pretty good. Some days he seems to move slower then others but for the most part he is well. He clearly misses Katie. He has been sleeping in her favorite spots and he just looks really sad. Anyway, no big plans for the weekend. DH is working with his friend this weekend making some much needed extra cash. Plus tomorrow morning he has a meeting at work where they are going to pass out bonus checks. We are hoping it is good. I guess anything is better then nothing, so we will take whatever they give and consider it a blessing.

Thanks again for all your kind words in our difficult time this last week. You have brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart when I needed it most. That is why I just love this community so much. I don't know what I did before I had all of you! I hope you all have a great weekend!

Missing Katie Jo

I miss her so much! My house feels empty, which is weird seeing as I have another dog, a cat, and 2 birds to fill it. But it just feels so different without Katie jo. I am having a hard time figuring out how she went from doing so well to so bad within 12 hrs. I was just saying Sunday how she had been doing good. She used to wait at the bottom of our stairs from the laundry room to the kitchen when we would let her in from outside. She would wait  for us to lift her up. She had not been doing that the last few days. She had been running up them like they were no problem. She was playing with Sammy and just seemed really happy. How does she go from that to not being here anymore?

Sammy and Mia seem really sad today. My cat, who really did not get along really well with Katie because Katie did not put up with the cats crap, has been extra needy today. She has not left my side all day. She has to be touching me at all times. Right now Sammy is laying in Katie's favorite spot on our living room floor. This is strange because Sammy does not sleep on the floor. He is always on the couch or the bed. Sammy has never been much of a barker but Katie was. we would laugh when we let her outside because we would say she always had to announce her presence. As soon as she would walk outside she would run to the front gate, bark once, and then run to the back and do her business. Then she would bark at anything that crossed her path. Well today we let Sammy out and he was barking like crazy while he was out there. There was not anything to bark at. I think they miss her too.

I have lost many animals in my life and I had forgotten how much it sucked. I thought it would be easier because she was old and we expected it to happen sometime soon...it's not! My mom is having a hard time because it was the last piece of her friend that we had. Her friend that died last year was really Katie Jo's mom. We took Katie in after she died. We would take Katie to my moms sometimes and my mom was always happy to see her. It was like having a piece of her friend with us. I am happy that my mom got to spend the weekend with her a couple weeks ago when we went camping. It worked out well.

I just keep thinking about the look in her eyes when they were giving her the shot at the vets yesterday. She was angry because it was in her leg that bothers her and she does not want anyone to touch. I just told her that she would feel all better in a minute and then she was gone. So her last few seconds on earth she was mad and I feel bad about that. I hope she knows how much we loved her.

In other news, Sammy has been doing really good since we got the anti inflammatory drugs. Hopefully he continues getting better and better because I definitely can't take losing another of my fur babies. I feel like crap today. I think i am getting sick. I am coughing like crazy and generally just feel really run down. I have been drinking a lot of ai.b0rne. It usually helps if you get it early enough. I have slept a lot today so I am hoping that I will feel better tomorrow.

Sorry for a depressing last couple posts. Hopefully things will start turning around soon.  I hope you are all having a better week then I. Thank you all for your kind words.

Goodbye Katie Jo!

RIP Katie Jo. We loved youso much and are so happy that you came into our lives even if it was for a short period of time. You are with your mommy now and I know you feel better then you have in a long time.






At 3:15 today we put Katie Jo down. The vet said there was nothing that could be done. She just kept having seizure after seizure and you could see that when she was not having one that she was not well. she would try to drink water and fall into the bowl. She would try to walk around and her legs would just give out. The vet said it would not get better and with her age, it was time. My heart is broken and we miss her very much!

If it is not one dog it is the other

I think I am going to have to put Katie Jo to sleep today. We have an appointment with the vet at 2:45. She has had 12 seizures since 2:00 am last night and they seem to get worse every time. I feel so bad for her. When they are over she does not seem to have any recollection of them but she has been getting worse after each one. After the last one she could not even drink water because she would fall over when she tried.

So we called the vet and made an appointment and then all of sudden she seemed fine. It is like she knows. We are going to talk to the vet and see what he says is the best thing to do but I think since she is 15 I think probably the best thing is to let her go. I thought it would not be as hard with her since I know she is old and we have known this was coming but right now it does not seem easy.

We have had her for a little over a year and it feels like we have had her all her life. We love her so much! I just want to do the best thing for her. Ugh! These dogs have not made life easy the last few weeks. If it is not one dog it is the other.

Remembering

Today is a day of remembrance for everyone. A day where you think back to what you were doing when you heard or saw those horrific images on the screen. People screaming, dust covered, crying confused... I remember like it was yesterday. I can't believe it has been 8 years. The days following, I wondered how would we make it through this. It was scary...but we did it.

Today is also the day where I remember...I remember that I have an angel that should be 4 yrs old today. My first...suppose to be born...now my first...to be lost. I remember what I felt. I was screaming and crying and begging for things to be different. I wondered if I could possibly make it through all that pain...some how I did. It was scary...but I did it.

So today I remember all those that lost their lives on the horrific day. I remember the life that never came to be.

Even though I never got to see your face, hold you tight, hear you call me mommy...I love you my angel as if you were here for a lifetime!

Review of Fertilaid

Good afternoon all. I hope you are having a FABULOUS week! As you may remember, a month or so ago, I received these products, Fertilaid for women and men, a Fertile Focus Ovulation Predictor Microscope, and a Bend, Breathe, and Conceive Yoga DVD, in exchange for my review. 

So sorry for the delay but I have been preoccupied with the dog and then went camping. I now have my review of Fertilaid.

Fertilaid for women- Take 3 per day. Cost is 28.95 for a one month supply. From the website: FertilAid for Women is a fertility enhancing supplement designed for trying-to-conceive women. Helps restore hormonal balance, supports reproductive wellness, and optimizes your chances of conceiving

You can go here to read more.

My review: I do not have a whole lot I can comment on since I am not yet pregnant. I think I would have to be taking this for a few months to find out if it will be successful. What I can say is that taking it has given me a lot more energy, just like any vitamin. I do like that it is specially formulated for women and to help enhance fertility success. Hopefully in time I would find that to be true but again I do not know. As I said before it is hard to remember to take 3 times a day. It really was difficult for me. I had it sitting right by dishes so I could see it when I was getting ready to eat so I could remember. There were a few days I forgot to take all 3. 

Another thing to note, my AF has been screwed up the last 2 months. She has visited about every 2 to 3 weeks and lasts 3 days. Now I am not sure why that happened, this could be because of PCOS. However, my cycle has been right on for the previous 5 months. Also to note I had AF right before I started taking this and then after I started them then I had another period 2 weeks later. It could be because my system was trying to correct itself. It has been 2 weeks since then so I will have to see if she shows her ugly face again.

I would say it does not hurt to give it a try and I would be curious to see if it would help with pregnancy. I think it is good , especially if you are someone like me who currently is trying to save money for more treatments, because it gives you something to do while you are waiting. I have felt like I was at least trying to give it my best shot on my own. It gives you something to try while you are waiting.

Out of 5 stars I would give it a 3 because I have not been taking long enough to know how it works truly.

Fertilaid for Men - 28.95 for 1 month supply. Also take 3 per day. From the website: FertilAid for Men is a male fertility enhancing supplement designed to improve sperm count, motility, and morphology. Doctor-developed and clinically proven. You can go here to read more.

DH review: He says he REALLY likes these. He has never been much of a vitamin taker but once we got past his "forgetfulness" he really started taking them and all on his own. He said they definitely gave him more energy at work. Again as for "if" we will get pregnant because of it remains to be seen but he would recommend to anyone who asks. 

Out of 5 stars he gave a 4 because he said even if it does not work for pregnancy he really liked it.

Bend, Breathe, and Conceive Yoga DVD - 19.95 - From the website: is a new yoga program specifically created to help couples conceive. Anna Davis, PhD, RYT, scientist and yoga instructor, guides you through a series of physical poses, yogic breathing techniques, visualizations and meditation practices designed to integrate mind, body and spirit to cultivate balance. This connection acts as an antidote to stress and promotes fertility and optimal reproductive health.

My review: This was VERY difficult for me. I have never been much of a Yoga person and when you are out of shape and over weight, such as I,  it makes it even more difficult. I TRIED to do it...I tried everyday for 2 weeks, no joke...and I still could not do hardly any of it. I did get better with the easier things to do and focused on them. Yoga just is not my cup of  tea...at least right now it isn't. I think if you like Yoga then you would like this DVD.

Out of 5 I give it a 3 because I think it would be good for someone who knows Yoga.

Fertile - Focus Ovulation Predictor Microscope - 27.95 From the website: Designed by leading fertility expert, Dr. Amos Grunebaum, ObGyn, Fertile-Focus is the affordable high-quality saliva-based fertility test (or personal ovulation microscope) that predicts ovulation with 98% accuracy – up to 72 hours in advance.

My review: I have not been able to see if it will work at predicting ovulation yet because my cycle has been so screwy these last 2 months. I have been getting a visit from my "dear aunt" about every 2 weeks. Needless to say I have not ovulated but it has been right on with predicting that. :(

Out of 5 stars I give it 4 because it is easy to read and has been right so far.

So overall I would say it is worth a try. It can't hurt...and may help. Whether I get pregnant will remain to be seen but you know I will definitely keep you updated on that. I hope this helps for anyone considering whether to try or not. Thanks again to Fairhaven Health for letting me try them out.

Back from camping (kids mentioned)

I am back from camping and I think now I am rested up. It was an eventful weekend and we had a really good time!

First off, Sammy is doing well. He is back to his old self and does not be in any pain at all. In fact we have not had to give him any pain meds in a couple days. Hopefully this just continues. MIL said he was very calm and seemed content the whole weekend. They have a sliding glass door that leads out to their deck and they usually leave it open in the summer. Sammy was happy because he could just come in and out as he pleased. I was so relieved that he did well.

Second, we came home curious to see how our cat, Mia, did while we were gone. This was her first time home alone for 2 days. So we get home and start calling her. She is not coming...we start looking around the house and can't find her and we do not hear her meowing or anything so it does not seem she is stuck some where. We look at her food and kitty litter and she has not touched either...now I am concerned. We start looking all over outside thinking maybe she got out. She is not an outside cat and she is a runt so if she was outside she probably would not have done well. We ask our neighbors and no one has seen her. Finally we get a flashlight and find her growling under our bed...the one REAL BIG problem with that...we shut the bedroom door while we were gone and she had been locked in there with NO food and NO kitty litter. She did have water from the dogs dish but NOTHING else. OMG I could not feel any worse about it and she was PISSED!!! and rightfully so!! I can not believe we did that. What terrible fur baby parents we are. I told her she could ask me for anything right now and I would get it for her...luckily that probably won't be a car or anything. :) I am happy to say that after a few hours and a can of tuna later she was back to her purring loving self. Next time I think I will check a million times before we leave.

Third, the trip...was fun! We got to the cabin and found out that we in fact DID have electricity. It was great. But since we did not know this ahead of time we did not have anything that required electricity. The site was in a great location. We stayed in a place that was set to look like a firehouse with fire engine and tower with a slide on it...which the kids loved! They have different sections. They have some that look like train cars, or teepees, wigwams, forts, tree houses... There was so much to do! We also had REAL bathrooms REAL close and the tram that took you around the park was right there. Could not ask for more.

Saturday my sis and I wanted to try one of the zip lines they had. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN. I was not afraid at all until I got to the top and had to sit down on the edge and then jump off. Your brain really does not want you to do that. We both did it and it was amazing. We did the medium sized one. They had one for 4-10 year olds which we thought was kind of crazy but Jo.ey wanted to do it so we took him over there and he got strapped in and sat on the edge but did not want to jump. I was so amazed he got as far as he did. My sis and I were having a hard time watching him while daddy and DH walked up with him. Jo.ey said he would try it again next year.

so the plan on Saturday was that we would do the zip line and then the kids would go to the farm and ride the ponies and then to the sprinkler park. This did not happen. When we were walking away from the zip line there was a tractor pulling a wagon full of people giving a tour of the park. I turned to look at them and I could clearly see this thing going way to fast. They came upon a turn which is where the kids and our hubbies were sitting just a few minutes prior, watching us come down the zip line. Well when it hit the bum the back wagon went in the air and hit a tree which made the wagon cover, that was made of steel, come crashing down on the people below and knocking the people on the end. Just typing this gets my heart rate up. It was so scary. My sister ran down there because she is certified in some things since she works with kids. Hubby ran down to see if it needed to be lifted off of anyone. BIL and I stayed with the kids. DH came back soon because luckily it was not on anyone but he said it was bad. When sis came back she was in tears. She said she had not seen that much blood in a long time. She felt bad because the 2 people that were hurt the worse were the mom and dad of a 4 year old. She said the dad was barely conscious and the mother was hurt and they would not let her move. She just wanted to get to her little boy and he wanted his mommy. Unfortunately the nearest hospital was almost an hour away so they had to wait a long time for the ambulance to get there. A lot of people were injured really bad. I wish I could find out how the mom and dad were. Luckily a relative was there to be with the kid and luckily the kid was not injured. It was so scary and so sad!

Needless to say we could not do anything else because the trams were not running then and a lot of things closed. We felt bad that the kids did not get to do anything they wanted to do but they took it well. A lot of things got shoved into yesterday before we left. The kids were so good. The 2 yr old, No.ah, was my little buddy all weekend. He wanted to be with me and hold my hand or have me hold him a lot of the time. It was so cute. I loved waking up to their smiles and little voices in the morning...well I guess not really waking up seeing as I only slept a total of 4 hrs all weekend. See, EVERY OTHER adult in the cabin snored! It was bad and they all competed to see who could be the loudest. My hubby usually wins the loudest and most annoying. That really sucked! The second night I went and TRIED to sleep in the car...not very comfortable! I will have to think of something to do if we do that again.

Anyway, we had absolutely PERFECT weather. Warm doing the day and cool GREAT sleeping weather. This camp is so nice. It is just filled with things to do such as, tubing, ropes courses, zip lines, rock walls, pools, lake swimming with castles, waterslides, and trampline things. They also had crafts, comedy, gyms, skate parks, eurobungy, paintball, canoes...and much more. It is definitely some where I would recommend going.

So all in all with a few bumps in the road it was a great weekend. I hope you all had a great weekend as well!

I'm going

Well, I decided to go...Sammy is doing really good (in fact he seems like his old self) and I know my MIL will take care of him as if he is her own. He likes it there because they spoil him. I will take the crate in case they need it but I am sure things will be fine. They only have 2 stairs on their deck so he won't have any to go up and down. She also uses the same vet so if something happens she knows where to go and I can be home soon in 3 hrs.

We really just need to get away and since we will never be able to afford it any other way... Unfortunately we can't take him with us and I do think that would be worse because he would go nuts in a new place. We should have fun with my nephews. I will be calling lots to check on Sammy. My mom is going to take Katie Jo and the cat and birds will have the house to themselves. I have never left my cat alone but the last time we took her to MIL and she was horrible. She did not eat or drink for days and tore up FIL arm when he tried to get her out from under the bed. My MIL has 5 cats so that does not make Mia happy. She is a people cat so I am sure she will be sad but she will be fine for 2 days.

This is the one thing that sucks about being an animal lover and owner...whenever you leave you have to find places for them. When you have 1 it isn't bad but when you have 5 it is a little more difficult.

Anyway, I am looking forward to it, even if it is camping. I hope everyone has a GREAT Memorial Day Weekend and I will talk to everyone on Sunday or Monday...Time to pack.

Should I stay or should I go? I don't know...

Today was such a good day with Sammy. He seems like his normal self but the problem with that is...he is not a good listener. He wants to jump and go up and down the stairs. Does not want to stay in his little home and his look, like we hate him, just breaks my heart. I am kind of irritated because I feel like I am the one that had to figure out how to treat him. Is that not what I pay the vet for? Why would he not figure out that the anti inflammatories would help? I mean I do not know yet if this is going to be the entire answer to our problem but right now it is looking promising. The only problem now is Sammy has figured out that we are giving him pills in his favorite food...cheese and therefore does not want it. This now forces me to do it the hard way and basically force it in his mouth. Sometimes he is good at hiding it in his cheeks and then casually shaking his head only for us to see a pill flying out...he thinks he is sneeky. Anyway, I am happy he is feeling better and lets all continue to hope it stays that way.

So I am conflicted...we have the opportunity to go with my nephews and my sis and BIL camping this weekend. They went there for Memorial weekend and loved it. This time they got upgraded to a cabin and invited us to go. I really want to go. I originally said we would go before the whole Sammy thing got bad and now my nephews are very excited. But I am worried if I go. We would take Sammy to his moms. He would get much love and care there. The only thing I would worry about there is she has a puppy, a Pomeranian, and he is hyper crazy and I worry if that would get Sammy all hyped up. If he continues like he is, doing well then I really want to still go. If he is bad then for sure I would not go but I worry if I go...what if something bad happens? Am I horrible for wanting to go and leaving him? We so need to get away even it is camping...which I am not a big fan of but since it is in a cabin that does make it better. We have not done anything since we went to Florida almost now 2 years ago. We really need to go and have fun...but I worry about MY baby...I do not want anything to happen to Sammy. As of right now I would have to say I honestly think he will be ok...but I don't know...

I guess I will have to make a judgment tomorrow. We will be leaving on Friday and coming back Sunday. We will be about 3 hrs away so I guess IF we do decide to go then IF something bad were to happen then I could be home soon...ugh I do not know what to do...

Sammy update

Well, I talked to the vet today but not because he called me. I called him and he 1. said they will not do a payment plan...along with the other 8-10 vets I called today...2. gave us some anti inflammatory drugs for Sammy that worked for him the last time. He is doing really good today which is good news but makes it hard for us to keep him calm. He thinks he can do anything today. I am hoping that tomorrow goes well too because DH works from 8:00 - 5:00 instead of his normal 4:00am - 1:00pm. Which means I will be with him all day and will not have a car...though hubby can be home in minutes I really just need it to be a good day.

I did talk to the Humane Society and they said they would do a payment plan IF we pay 66% up front which is hardly what I would call a payment plan but I guess it is better then nothing. So if Sammy is not well on Thursday when hubby gets paid then we will take him wither there or to our vet.

Please pray or send good thoughts or whatever that he continues to improve from here on...my heart can't take any more. Thank you all for all your kind words...it means the WORLD to me!