We saw Stanley

This was a great idea by the wonderful Monica over at Knocked Up, Knocked Down. Check out what she did without kids here.

So I am bummed out because I can not find the pictures I've looked and looked but they are no where to be found, which BTW is so unlike me. It looks like I have some reorganizing to do. Anyway the story will have to do.

This Look What I Did without a Kid time was actually from before we were technically "officially" trying to conceive but we were also not doing anything to prevent pregnancy at this time. And this would not have been possible at all with children.

My DH is a huge, I mean HUGE, sports fan. So much so he will go into anybody's house even if he has never met you, and take over the TV so he does not miss anything. It drives me crazy but I Love him so I deal with it. I am a sports fan as well just not quite to the extent of DH. I grew up watching football with my dad and playing softball, volleyball,swimming, and bowling. I had never watched hockey. My dad didn't like it so I never learned anything about it. My DH on the other hand loved it! So when we met he taught me everything about hockey and I grew to love it as well. It also did not hurt that my home team the Detroit Red Wings were getting very good at this time. My love started for hockey in 1993 and then in 1997 the Red Wings won there 1st Stanley Cup in 40 years. So in 1998 the Red Wings were going for their 2nd straight Stanley Cup and we did not want to miss it. They were playing the Washington Capitals in Washington DC. It was the final game and we were going to go downtown and celebrate with everyone when they won.

The night before game day we decided, screw that we are going to drive to Washington DC. Now we only had about 160.00 to our name and no tickets but we both called off work hopped in the car and drove 13 hours over night which BTW was a feat in itself since I at the time was having panic attacks something like 4-5 times a day. It was not fun. But I figured we would never get a chance like this again so we drove. When you are having panic attacks you don't really like leaving the house let alone driving to an unfamiliar place. My DH (boyfriend at the time) was so patient because I pretty much made him stop at every rest stop on the way there just so I could see the map that says "you are here". He never complained one bit.

Anyway we got there and stood out side the arena hoping they would release tickets or someone would be selling some. We were there all day and no one was selling them and they did not release any. It was like being in Detroit though because everyone was there for the Red Wings. We had fun hanging out but when it got close to game time we headed to a bar to watch the game. At the bar we started talking to a couple and telling them our story and they were like "I can't believe you did that with no tickets". We said "we had to try". I heard someone come in and say "I have 2 tickets for sale: and I think I dove over 4 table to get to the guy. He then told me it would be 400.00 for them and I said sorry I can't afford that. Well the couple sitting next to us said they would sell us their tickets for 160.00 and they would buy the 400.00 tickets since they were better seats anyway. We bought them and raced to the arena. We sat in our seats as the sang the National Anthem. We got to see them win the Stanley Cup that night and it was amazing! I have some really cool pictures that someday when I find them I will post them. We then drove 13 hours home but this time we didn't need to stop every time because I knew where we were going. Plus we were high from the excitement of the win.

It was a day I will never forget and something that would definitely not been possible with kids.

Crappy Thanksgiving

Oh Man I am so glad to be home. Sorry this will not be a Friday Favorite things. I am too pissed for that right now.

What a craptastic Thanksgiving I have had. We went to my MIL house for dinner. She had 19 people in a 2 bedroom house. Loads of fun let me tell you. I got to meet my new nephew Con.ner the 2nd son of my 21 yr old BIL with his 2nd girlfriend. I was prepared for it. I was ready to meet the little bundle of joy. Actually looking forward to it. He was so cute!

However, what I was not prepared for was to guess NOT hear but guess by statements like "no I can't drink", "No I can't have any shrimp" and then looking over at the nice little baby bump fashioned by my 24yr old SIL now pregnant with her 2nd baby also not married and also with a different daddy. I was like CRAPULOUS! I could not stand it.

No one had the decency to warn me ahead of time. To give me the chance to process this new info in my own way, on my own time, in my own home before being able to say congratulations. When I first figured it out I was upset and I quietly excused myself to the other room to cry but I thought I would give MIL the benefit of the doubt. There is no telling about my SIL, maybe she just found out herself. Surely MIL knew what this would do to me and she would tell me....WRONG! Everyone and I mean EVERYONE that then started pouring into the house were "OMG I heard your pregnant again! That is so great congratulations!" So she knew and she has known for a while! It infuriates me because now they get an attitude because I am not gushing over the mommy to be. WTF people? Why can't you show some courtesy? I can be happy for her eventually (even though I do not think and no one else thinks for that matter that she is a very good mom seeing as her 4 year old is scared to death of her). I could have said "congratulations! When are you due? Is it a girl or a boy?" I could of if I would have the chance to let the shock sink in. Let it settle that she can have baby after baby with out a second thought while I sit her 34 and barren! But I never had the chance so I avoided as much as possible. I mean I had to guess...even if she would have called me into the other room and said I am sorry I did not tell you but SIL is pregnant, I know it is hard" but NO. My DH said to his mom "It would have been nice if you could have warned us. It would have taken the sting away a little." To which she said "there is nothing I can do about it now." No "I'm sorry" no nothing...basically saying screw you and your feelings. Then adding to it was the new baby so it was like someone was playing a cruel joke...here is what you are not and what you don't have. Happy Craptastic Thanksgiving to me! I knew I did not want to go over there. Infertility sucks but even more this time of year!

I am thankful

In honor of Thanksgiving I would like to do a post about what I am thankful for. At night I always try to count my blessings just before I go to sleep. I figure I spend a lot of time wishing for things I don't have and asking why me, I need to also spend time being grateful. I have a lot to be thankful and here are some of those things...

1. My husband - as mentioned in previous posts here and here, he is a great man. He is my soul mate and I do not know what I would do without him. I love you honey.

2.My job - I get very frustrated with it a lot, especially lately, but I am very grateful to have one. Especially since I work in the auto industry, which is a very scary industry to work in, I am happy that I am getting a pay check every two weeks and a semi good one at that.

3. My fur babies - Sammy, Katie Jo, Mia, and even the birds Romeo and Juliet. They put a smile on my face every day. They can take a bad day and erase all the badness. They love me unconditionally and I love them with all my heart.

4. My nephews - Jo.ey and No.ah. I am blessed to have them in my life. Although sometimes it is hard to think I should have children the same age, they are my heart and if they were not in my life I would not have the sunshine they bring me even on a cold dreary day.

5. My sister - Who in the last 4-5 years has become my best friend. It is a place that I never thought we would be. We did not get along for a long time and it made me sad but I am so happy to have developed this relationship with her. She offers unconditional support and I am so glad she is my not only my sister but my friend.

6. My mother - A mother who loves me for who I am. She can be infuriating sometimes but I would not be the person I am today if it wasn't for her. She taught me strength through some unimaginable rough times, perserverance (or maybe that is stubborness?), and most of all love.

7. My friends - The friends who stick by me through every thing. Who call to say if I need them to call them any time and they will be here in a second. They have held me up when I did not think I would be able to stand again. They made me laugh when I thought there was nothing to laugh about and they stand by my side when I feel alone.

8. My internet friends - You guys are the greatest. The support I receive from people who have never met me is nothing short of AMAZING. If you want to know more about how I feel about you just read my recent post here. Thank you again!

9. All my angels - When I get to heaven someday I will have all of you there waiting for me. That is going to be beautiful. You taught me love is possible for someone you have not even met yet and someone that was only here in my belly for only a few days or weeks. I wish with all that I am that it could have ended differently, that I could hold you in my arms and watch you grow up but I can't so I choose to be grateful for the short time I felt you and someday I will see you. I love you my angels.

10. My infertility - yes you read that right. Do not get me wrong I do not wish this on anyone and if I could choose I would definitely not choose this road. But it has taught me so much! Somethings I wish I did not have to learn, but still when I finally do get to hold that precious baby in my arms one thing they will never lack is love. They will know how much they are wanted and loved. I will never take one second of their lives for granted. I think IF has taught me how to be one great mother, which I hope to be someday, and I am thankful.

So those are my top 10 things I am thankful for. Notice it is not things it is people. Surround yourself with good loving people and you will have so much to be thankful for everything else comes in a distant second.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

I hate to think this but... (kids mentioned)

Yesterday I did my usual visit with my sis and my nephews. We usually spend Saturday's together. I love spending the time with my nephews. They amaze me all the time. They are so cute. They just got back from Florida and Jo.ey was telling me about his trip and he said that he missed me. Melted my heart. My sis was telling me about the boat ride from Hell they went on. You see last year we went to Florida and we went on a boat to see dolphins. It was an awesome ride. It was just us on the oat and we got some amazing pictures. This time she booked a sunset cruise without thinking. So it was a bunch of couples looking for a romantic ride and then her, her husband, and her kids. Not so romantic. Anyway, the boat driver made everyone stay in their seats for the entire time, which is not something a 3 and 1 year old like to do. Anyway she was holding them both and one reached into her pocket, pulled out a piece of paper and the brand new cell phone which then preceded to fall to the bottom of the ocean. LOL. Jo.ey was so upset because he felt so bad. He said "don't worry mama, daddy and I will just go to the store and buy you a new one. that's all we have to do." Aww you can't really be mad at that. Now when you call her cell it says " you have reached me at the bottom of the ocean..." ROFL.

Anyway, she told me they decided while they were in Florida to not have any more kids. My thought was, Great! I am such a terrible person. Why would I think that? I was just so happy that I do not have to worry about getting the call hearing my younger sis is pregnant again with her 3rd while I am still sitting here trying to have 1. Every time she says "guess what?" or "I have something to tell you." my heart sinks. At least now (until they change their mind) I do not have to worry about that. I hate that I think that way. I hate it, hate it, hate it!

Welcome

Welcome all you lovely ICLWers. Let me tell you a little about myself for those of you who do not read my blog regularly (gasp I can't believe EVERYONE does not read this LOL). I got this idea from the wonderful Unfair Struggle I think it is great so I have adopted it.

Name: Michelle
Age: 34
Diagnosis: PCOS
TTC: 8+ years or 100 months to be exact
Married: 8+ years but been together for 15+

I started blogging in August after me 4th lost baby. I have had 2 (1st and 3rd)early miscarriages at around 5-6 weeks. Once I got pregnant on my own but every oter time has been assisted by clomid or injections. This last time was an IUI. I have also had 2 ectopic pregnancies. 1 was a rare ectopic in my cervix. They now consider me a case study and so every time I go to my RE I have 3 or more doctors checking me. It's barrels of laughs. This last one was an ectopic but we caught it very early so luckily I did not lose any tubes or anything.

After the last one I decided to take a "break" to save my sanity and to save some money for IVF. I am not going to start until at least February of next year. I decided to take at least 6 months because if I have one more miscarriage I think I might jump off the nearest bridge (not really). My heart has been broken so many times I have a hard time believing it is possible. So during my break I decided I needed to find people who were like me. I needed people who understood what I felt. People who would not say..."Just relax", "Maybe you should adopt", or "It's your bodies way of getting rid of something that would not have worked anyway". That is when I started blogging and it has made a tremendous difference to me. Just read my previous post about how I feel about all of you.

Every Friday I do Favorite things Friday which have included things like you, my DH, my DVR, and Baileys with caramel. Other things I love are my 2 nephews Jo.ey (3) and No.ah (1). They are my heart. Dolphins, reading, hanging out with friends, Red Wings hockey, U of M football (although they are a sad team to watch this year), CHOCOLATE, and my fur babies dog Sammy, dog Katie Jo, cat Mia.

Thank you for stopping by it is great to have all of this support. Talk to you all soon.

Favorite things Friday

Well, it's that time again. Time for my favorite things. This week it perfectly coincides with the beginning of ICLW, which is great since it is one of my favorite things. Since starting my blog in August I have participated twice and have made iron commenter both times. I plan on trying again. I think this is so great that I love that Mel in her infinite wisdom has organized this along with all the other wonderful things she does.

Anyway, it is one of my favorite things because of all the wonderful people I have met. I have said it before but it never hurts to say it again ALL OF YOU ARE TRULY WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, and INSPIRING people. Also as I am sure you have heard before I have felt so alone for the last 8+ years going through this. While I have had the support (the best way they know how) from family and friends, it is still difficult because they can't truly understand what I am going through, what I feel, how I hurt. They try...but they can't know. You know. You hurt with me, you are frustrated like me, you are angry at IF like me, you laugh with me, you are hopeful with me and I can not tell you how GREAT it feels. I read your stories and I feel all the same for you. I have shed tears for many of you and jumped for joy at your successes because each success you have is a little more hope for me. It is strange that I can feel so much for so many people that I have never met but I truly do!

When I started blogging I had NO idea! I had not had internet in my home for over 5 years so I had not read ANY blogs. I did not know there were all of you out here. I did not realize there was a whole community like you. When I wrote my first entry I was nieve because I thought maybe I would be educating everyone that may come to my blog, that I was somehow the lone person who was ready to share this journey and then I found you and realized there were so many (too many) of us. Too many people who had to be in this journey with me. And in the short time I have been doing this you all have educated me. You are my IF family. I wish you did not have to be here but I am so glad you are because without you I don't think I would have any hope. I was at a point that I did not think it was possible for someone to hurt so much and have their heart broken again and again and again and still go on but I can because you can...because you DO! So many stories of strength through things I would not wish on my worst enemy. Stories of Hope and stories of such love for something that most of do not even have yet.

You all, everyone, make me feel normal (as much as you can with IF), you help me stay sane, you give me HOPE and I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

RE: Employment at To Baby and Beyond, INC

How is it that I get disappointed month after month when AF visits? I am on "break". I have been trying for exactly 100 months as of this month. I have only gotten pregnant 4 times and all did not end well. That is a 4% pregnancy rate and 0% baby rate, yet I seem genuinely surprised when my dear "aunt" arrives. Go away! You are not welcome here! I have composed a letter and I am sending it registered mail...

RE: Employment at To Baby and Beyond INC

Dear Aunt Flo,

We thank you for your loyal services but at this time we find it necessary to release you from your current position. We are looking to pump some youth and breathe life back in to our company.

Over the last several years your work ethic has been on a steady decline. You have not been very dependable. You show up only when you feel like it and then stay longer then what is stated in your contract. Your work environment is so messy it is actually painful and when you do show up everyone around you seems to be in a bad mood.

So at this time we have decided your once monthly visits will not be necessary as we are doing some restructuring and we are looking for a replacement that will fit better with our companies long term goals.

Take this time to do some searching. Get some refresher training. Go out and meet new people, reconnect with some old friends who need you. In approximately 9 months feel free to apply again and we will review your resume. If your goals become more in line with our company mission statement and goal we will consider your reinstatement. Thank you for your service.

Sincerely,

Michelle
President

More cuteness from my nephews (kids mentioned)

Not much going on with me this weekend. It has been very relaxing. I thought I would share some more cuteness from my nephew Jo.ey. This morning they were leaving for their trip to Florida and since we live 5 minutes from the airport we always get the treat of driving everyone to the airport. I am thinking about charging an airport parking fee (hey gotta raise money for IVF somehow LOL).

Anyway, they got here at the nice and early time of 7:00 am and when I got in the car half asleep my nephews were so cute. Jo.ey was sooo excited about going on airplane he could not contain is excitement. No.ah started screaming my name and Jo.ey says Aunt Shell can't go because we don't have any money for her (mention one thing several months ago and he has not forgotten). He said he would bring me home a crocodile but he could not bring me home the beach because the beach had to stay with the sun and the sun had to stay with the water. Such a smart kid he has already learned that the sun doesn't belong in Michigan this time of year. LOL Anyway they melt my heart every time I see them. When I said goodbye he said " I will miss you, but I'll be back" Awww again isn't he sweet!

The Speak Up and Speak Out Award

I have been nominated by the wonderful Jamied. Thank you. I decided a long time ago after trying for a couple years that I would not suffer in silence. I was going to let people know how much IF SUCKS!!!! I was sick of feeling alone and I think people need to be educated. We are not alone and that is one thing I have learned especially since starting my blog. I am sad and angry that so many have to be a part of this "club" but I am glad that all of you beautiful people are out there and I thank you for your support.

Read the full post here .
I am going to list a few of my favorite criteria here for being an angry infertile.
-If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand
-If you know what a cootercam is
- If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"
- If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"

Check out the rest of the post for the entire list. It's sad that I can relate to every one of them.
Rules for posting award:

1. Link back to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award
2. Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"
3. Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

I nominate:

Broken Bits
Knocked Up, Knocked Down
The Great Big IF
An Unwanted Path

Favorite Things Friday

My name is Michelle and I am a reality TVaholic. The first step is admitting you have a problem...right? I can't get enough of it! I know it's trash. I know it's crap. I do not care. Whether it be a bunch of strangers living in a house together or a show about some "has been" celebrity, as long as they ain't singin', dancin', datin' or Pa.m.ela An.d.erson. I am watchin'. My favorite is Bi.g Brother or the Ama.zing Ra.ce. I could never be on these shows because I think everyone in America would be voting me off or rooting for me to fail. I would be the paranoid person, the impatient person. That is why I would never try out for these shows. It always cracks me up when these people go on these shows and they are like "you are a back stabber". " You lied to me". UHH DUH! Have you not seen the last 10 seasons of the show? If that is not who you are, if you can't live with yourself then please spare us all the drama and don't try out for the show.

My husband hates that I watch these shows. But he watches every kind of sport you could ever think of no matter what. He is obsessed with sports, I am obsessed with reality TV. Maybe it's because I can watch someone else's "reality" instead of always dealing with mine. I can get lost in their problems and escape mine for just that little bit. With the beauty of my other favorite thing the DVR I can tape them all which has only enabled my addiction. Oh well someday when I have kids I won't care to watch them because I will have other important things to occupy my time. Right now I have my reality tv and I love it! I could quit anytime I wanted to...um ya really I could.

Head vs Heart

I look at "them" and think..."do they know how lucky they are?" Do "they" take it for granted? Do they appreciate every ache and pain? every nauseous morning? every sleepless night? I think of this every time I look at a pregnant woman passing me in the hall or standing with me in the elevator. I hate that I think this. I hate that I own this bitterness. That I some how think just because someone got pregnant that because "they" did not "earn" it or work for it as hard as I am that somehow they are less deserving. What does that make me? Someone I do not want to be...

Who knows maybe they did "earn" it and tried for years to get pregnant. Maybe they paid thousands of dollars for their 1 miracle or maybe they didn't. I should not assume. I should not judge. It does not matter how they became pregnant, had their baby, whether they appreciate it or not. None of that matters. None of that is what I am really talking about here...

If you read between the lines, look deep into my heart what I am really asking but I don't want to admit is...what did they do that I am not doing?...what makes them more deserving then me?...will I ever be a mom?

Just saying that takes my breath away a little. The thought that I will never know what it is like to have someone call me mom scares the hell out of me. My head knows nobody is more or less deserving. My head knows outer appearance is not necessarily a reflection of what is going on. You never really know what someone is going through. They may be thinking about me..."does she know how lucky she is?" My head knows these things but my heart is a different story. My heart wants a reason, a justification for the pain. My heart wants a timeline. When will the pain end? When will all that it has yearned for, all that it has hoped for, all that is broken for come to be? When will it be whole again?...the answer my brain does not have. So therefore my heart tries to make a deal. If I do this then I can have that. Maybe if I am more like her or not like her then and only then my dream will come true. It's a futile attempt. I know it will never work...well at least my brain knows. Someone just needs to let my heart know. Believe me I've tried...it's not a very good listener.

Perfect Moment Monday

My perfect moment came this weekend when I was over visiting my nephews. They are all going to Florida next week and I was suppose to go but I can't afford to take off of work right now and I am broke. So a couple months ago my nephew Jo.ey asked if I was going. I told him no because Aunt Shell does not have enough money. Fast forward to this past Saturday I was over and Jo.ey asked his mom if I was going with them next week to Florida. She said "Go ask her." He disappeared for a few minutes and came back with his piggy bank filled with money (it was very heavy especially for a 3 year old). He handed me his piggy bank and said "here is my money can you come to Florida with us now". Awww isn't that so sweet! It was very hard to say I still was unable to go. I couldn't believe he remembered from a couple months ago that I said I did not have the money. Too cute! For more perfect moments head on over to Lori's and see that everyone else is sharing.

Show and Tell (kids mentioned and pics)

My show and Tell this week is my nephews on Halloween. They were so cute and so excited to go out and get candy. The 3 year old is Jo.ey and he was the spider. The 19 month old is No.ah and he was the pumpkin. Jo.ey assigned the Halloween costumes this year. He was going to be the pumpkin but then decided he dd not want to be that anymore. And as with anything he doesn't want he pushes it off on his little brother. The little one would not let anyone put the candy in his bag it had to be in his hand and then he wanted them open so he could eat it. So by the third house he was covered in chocolate and then a sticky sucker but it was oh so cute. He would go up to the houses and say Tick teeeeeet.

Jo.ey...he said it was a good spider so I did not have to be scared of him.

No.ah...the hat was the cutest, it kept falling over his eyes.


For more show and tell head on over to Mel's place.

Favorite Things Friday

My favorite thing I want to talk about this week is my DVR or digital video recorder. Some call it TiVo, some call it a PVR but whatever you call it I think it is one of the greatest inventions. How I lived without this gem I will never know. I can tape anything I want with the touch of a button and then I never have to sit through boring commercials.

Since I do not have any children to occupy my time and when I am not on the computer or working I like to watch TV. Probably way to much TV but oh well. I am a reality TV addict and with this handy dandy device I can pretty much watch all of them except I am not into the talent competitions like American Idol (yes I said it... I do not like American Idol)and I hate dating shows like the Bachelor, oh and I am so over SURVIVOR. All other crap TV is fair game. Plus if the show is boring or moving slowly I can speed it up. So while I watch a lot more shows I can actually spend less time watching TV because of my DVR. What would normally take like 4 hours of TV I can watch in 2.5 hours. I love it! You never have to miss a thing and then you do not have to fight with your hubby who is OBSESSED with sports because now you can just record and watch later. Everyone is happy!

So that's it...if you don't have one and you watch TV then you should get one as soon as possible. It is also great if you have kids because you can record your shows while they watch theirs and again everyone is happy!

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! I am hoping mine is!

Experimenting

so I was experimenting and it did not work, lost the post...oh well.