I am a HORRIBLE fur baby mom!

Things have not been well...with my doggie that is. I thought he had turned a corner. That getting him to the vet last week would do the trick...it obviously has not. I know it has pretty much monopolized my blog lately but it is monopolizing my life as well. Last night and mainly this morning was the absolute worst. Hubby was at work and Sammy was pacing. All of sudden he just stood there and yelped and screamed for 5-10 minutes straight. It was like someone had a death grip on him and was hurting him so bad. I ran to him and tried to get him to lay down. He is not suppose to be up and around. We are suppose to cage him...I don't have one.

I tried to call the vet to find out what I should do and he was in surgery. They said he would call us back...it is 7:45 pm and he hasn't. I tried to call them again at 4:30 and they said it may be late because he was very busy today.

Today has been draining. All I have done is cry. I do not know what to do. I am sad because he hurts so bad and that I do not have a dime to my name. I am hoping that my vet will work out a payment plan with us and help. I just want someone to help him. I looked on line to see what I could do if You have an emergency with an animal but you are unable to pay at the moment. I could not find anything. all I found was a bunch of people saying..."Well then you should not have a dog if you can't afford it."...HUH if it were only that easy! What about the people who did have a job, who could provide the love and support for the dog but then hit some financial bumps in the road, like losing a job and now is struggling to get by. What about the person that would do anything to help your fur baby but does not have any resources. What is a person suppose to do? Oh as soon as I lose my job I am suppose to take all my animals to the pound so they can NOT find them a home (i live in Detr.oit everyone is broke) and the kill them. UH NO! Would you do that with your child? I wish there was some law that stated they had to help them whether we could afford it or not. Like with humans there should be SOME PLACE to go. I have not found any...

So I have sat here...almost paralized with what to do. I have had animals die in my life. I have pretty much always had animals but in my adult life I have never really had to deal with a sick animal who I do not know how to help. I just need the vet to let me make a payment plan and I will do anything to help Sammy...I so wish I would have bought insurance for him.

I thought this would be what I would be going through with Katie Jo. Although it would be hard I would know it is because she is old, she has lived her life. Sammy is only 8...he has a ways to go. I am hoping he has not gotten better just because he really has not just laid down and done nothing. I mean he hasn't been up and running around...he isn't like that normally...he is a huge sleeper but he has been up and walking around. Sometimes when we are not paying attention or haven't been home he has jumped up and down from the couch...gone up and down stairs. So today after calling around and then doing some MacGy.veresque moves I think we have rigged up something to prevent him from moving around too much. We moved the bed against the wall, took our broken closet door and laid that against the bed so he can't get under the bed and then moved a little dresser in front of the opening. Throw in a blanket and pillow and food and water and there is his new home. He can walk about three steps and that is it. So I told him if he does not lay with us in the living room he must be in there. We put them in there for a while and he stayed but then started scratching to get out. We brought him to the living room and he never moved a muscle after that he just laid on the couch except when we carried him to go outside. We did finally find a crate that my neighbors had for a dog that they just put down. We are going to put him in there if he does not follow the rules. :) He may hate it but it is for his own good. I wish I could make him understand that.

My hope is we can get him to lay down for a few weeks and then he will start to feel better...or better yet we can work something out with the vet. My fur baby just looks at me with the saddest eyes and I feel like a failure as a fur baby momma! Maybe that is why I do not have real kids...I suck...I can't even help a dog! He wants me to help, he NEEDS me to help him and all I can do is say I LOVE YOU AND I AM TRYING!

Nephews and their pics

Last night we babysat my nephews. First we had No.ah by himself because Joey was the ring bearer in a wedding and then I went and picked Joey up so mom and dad could go back to the reception. Jo.ey was so darn cute in his tux. He insisted he was ugly and wanted everyone to say so. It must start at a young age with boys not wanting to be dressed up. He received a toy rocket for his present for standing up in the wedding and he was so excited about that. When I got back after picking him up Noah who was half asleep when I left was now wide awake and running around having so much fun. he kept telling me he wanted to dance and would just run and jump on his but or something. He has no fear of anything. he can bang his head so hard and then get up like nothing happened. Jo.ey is such the complete opposite of that.

Anyway, No.ah was playing rough with his Uncle as usual. the next thing I see is he falls and he comes up crying holding his hand. He won't move his pinky finger and it is swelling up. I thought it was broken so I get ice and try to call mommy. He stops crying after about a minute after the ice and says "I feel better". so I say make a fist, which he does with the other hand. i say "do it with the other hand." He does (not with the pinky) and yells "I did it I did it!". I start checking it out thinking I feel bone and have DH look at it. he squeezes and No.ah starts crying again saying it hurts. I put more ice on it and he says it feels better. I call sis again and No.ah is in the background saying..."I not crying. I not crying." He was all smiles like nothing happened. I of course was still worried. Jo.ey says he is calling the dr and pretends to call and tells No.ah he has to go to the dr. No.ah was happy about that. I am thinking please Lord don't let it be broken. Anyway, as the night goes on he is off and on about it hurting and I try bending it when he is not paying attention and he does not react so I start to feel better that it is not broken. Basically I think he jammed it pretty good. He was just so good about it and so cute. He kept telling me he wanted a hug or a high five. I told him I would give him a great big bear hug and he said "No, I want an Aunt Shell hug." ...they just melt my heart all the time. Well, my sis let me know that she checked it out this morning and it is not broke so that is good news. I felt so bad.

We came home last night and Sammy was back to yelping. So after looking up info about his pain meds I gave him a little more and he finally went to sleep with DH. Today he seems ok.

Today, we went to MIL to help move furniture around after she had a bunch of people over for the last month. She needed help getting the house back in order. Then I went to a friends house that I had not seen in about a year and we went to a late lunch. It was nice catching up with her. Actually, the house I live in was hers. Her and I started work at the place I just left on the same day and we became friends. She moved and bought a new house and was paying 2 house payments. She knew I wanted a house so one day after she had left the company she called and asked if I wanted to buy her house and she would pay the down payment and closing costs. I was sold! The house was great because her husband was in construction and everything except the bathroom had been redone recently.

It was nice getting caught up. We can never get schedules to coincide because she is pretty busy with her 3 kids. So we have been trying for months to get together and today was like the only day we could get in. I had fun. I am home now and hubby is going to his friends now for a while.

Well, I am happy this week is over and I am hoping that next week goes a lot better.

For your enjoyment...and mine...Here are some great pics of my nephews...
Jo.ey

Noah

Both

Do they make neck braces for dogs?

The last couple days have been a little crazy. Yesterday Sammy was doing better then he has in a long time. He was running around and playing like usual. i was so relieved. So lat night I went to my moms and visited with her, my nephews, my sis, BIL, and my mothers best friend from when I was young. I have not seen her in probably 10 or more years. she moved to California a long time ago. She was in town for her sons 40th birthday and she wanted to see my sis and I so we went over. She was so much fun when we were young. We used to do crazy things. We would celebrate random things like the 3rd day of the month or something weird and we would go get ice cream. There are a couple things I destinctly remember...

1. We were celebrating something like a Saturday and we went to get McDonald's and then we ate it in a grocery store parking lot. Big celebration...right. Now I think it was cool that we did that...back then as a teenager I was devastatingly embarrassed.

2. One time she said we were going to go to get ice cream and go to this really cool park she heard about. We all piled in the car and then we drove into her back yard. She had a really big back yard.

3. We went to a state park and we were there pretty late. We walking pretty far from the car on some hills and then we saw something in the sky that looked a lot like a UFO and it was close. I remember her freaking out and taking off running. We all followed screaming and running down the hill as fast as we could go.

I have many memories of her and my mom. They were fun times. She was my favorite friend of my moms. She definitely tells it like it is and I like that. It was really nice to see her. she is doing well after being really close to dying a year or 2 ago...I think.

I saw my nephews and as usual they were cute. We are going over to babysit the little one N.oah because they are going to a wedding and Jo.ey is going to be the ring bearer. Oh he is going to look ADORABLE in his tux. I can't wait to see him.

Anyway, I got home around 11:00 and then Sammy was worse then he has ever been. We figured out it was his neck because he would not turn his head and if we touched it he would cry. So we decided we would take him to the vet today. Last night though, was HORRIBLE. He did not sleep at all. all he did was pace up and down the hall way ALL NIGHT and cry. I would try to get him to lay down but he would only do it for like 3 minutes and then yelp and then start pacing again. This was exausting and heartbreaking at the same time because there was nothing I could do to make him feel better.

As soon as the vet opened I made an appointment. we took him at 3:00 today. As well as everyone else in the free world. This place was the busiest I have ever seen it. It was crazy. Sammy was so good. He is a whiner though when we go because he thinks everyone is there to see him and when they do not pet him he does not understand. Today though he was the best he has ever been...even in the car...he HATES the car...although he always THINKS he will like it...he NEVER does.

We explained to the vet what has gone on in the past week and he asked if Sammy had any Bea.gle in him. I said yes he is part Bea.gle. He said neck injuries are common with Bea.gles si he gave him a shot and gave us some pain medication for him to take. He said if he does not start feeling better in a couple weeks that we will have to bring him back for x-rays and more shots. (I hope not because we inquired to the cost and all of it will be 300-500 dollars. UGH!) Hopefully this will do the trick. He said though not to let him run around or jump because that is what happened yesterday. He felt better and then around like a mad dog and then hurt himself worse...So we have to keep him calm for the next month. Hmmm this should be interesting...I wonder if they have doggy neck braces...LOL. I feel so much better now that we took him in! He is sleeping comfortably right now. AHHH!

Hopefully I will be getting a good night sleep tonight and Sammy too.

Going No Where Fast

I've kind of been in a little funk and feeling frustrated the last few days. I feel stuck. I am not going any where. I feel like I am a hamster, running on one of those wheels, going as fast as I can but getting no where.

I am 35, no job, no kids, no money, and no possibilities of any of those things in the near future. I have sent my resume to what seems like every company in the state of M1ch1gan yet, no responses unless it is for a scam or sales positions. That just really does not seem possible. I mean I suppose I could get a job at some fast food restaraunt but I make more money on unemp1oyment so I won't be doing that.

I am not sure about Sammy. I thought he was doing better and then yesterday he did not seem to good. Thankfully he has not been throwing up or coughing anymore but he just mopes around. He is clearly not himself. I guess the yelping has gotten a little better too. He does it about once or twice a day and it is a little whimper. I feel bad for him and I feel guilty that I have not taken him to the vet because I need to wait until we get paid. I could have taken him on Saturday but I honestly thought he was doing better...so I paid bills. I just REALLY wish he could tell me what is the problem.

Oh, let me tell you what I think is the cutest thing and I think my other dog Katie Jo did the other night. So, the other night, at about 1:00 am Katie wanted to go outside so I let her out. When she came back in she laid down for about a half hour. I was half asleep watching a movie on the couch and I hear he go to the food dish and eat for a minute and then push the bowl around because it was empty. Then she started pacing back and forth between me in the living room and my DH in the bedroom. She does this usually when she wants to go outside or she is trying to tell us something. It is cute but can sometimes get annoying when you can't figure out what she is trying to tell you and every few seconds you her click click click of her nails up and down the hallway.

So I get up and say do you need to go back outside and she just stares at me. I look at the food bowl and see that it is empty and say, "oh are you hungry and want more food?" and she perks up and gets excited. So I have hit the nail on the head. I grab the bowl and fill it with food. She comes over to me and licks my foot and goes to the bedroom for 1 second then comes back to the living room and lays down and goes to sleep. She did not eat any of the food. So I try to get her attention and say come on Katie here is some food. She looks up, uninterested, and then goes back to sleep. I sat down confused and then Sammy comes out and eats some food. Then it hits me...Katie was totally trying to take care of Sammy. She knew she ate the last of the food and wanted to make sure Sammy had some. She got my attention and then went back and let Sammy know he could come eat. At least that is what it seems like to me. Is that not the cutest thing? I think she knows that Sammy is not feeling good. What a good dog!

Well, thats it for me right now. Nothing going on in my life except a bunch of crap. Hopefully Sammy will start feeling better soon...and me too.

Up with the kids...er dogs.

Well, Sammy is feeling better now...Thank goodness! Although, it has been hell getting to that point. The night before last was hell night for my animals. I was up the entire night with them. I did not go to sleep until 8:00 am. UGH!! It was like staying up with sick kids except they could not tell me the problem. I was so frustrated and sad I did not know what to do.

So, DH went to bed and as always he took Sammy with him. Sammy is very spoiled and so he gets to sleep in the bed with us. In fact he is so spoiled that it is weird when he is on the floor. Whenever I see him on the floor I am always asking what is wrong with him. He usually jumps off in the middle of the night, either to bug me to go outside or to get a drink of water. Then he goes to Dh side of the bed and scratches and barks, basically throwing temper tantrum, until DH wakes up and lifts him back up (our bed is too high for him to jump).

Anyway, they went to bed and I stayed up a little while longer. Next thing I know DH comes out carrying pillows. He tells me Sammy threw up on my pillow. GROSS!!! Thanks a lot dog! Instantly I know something is wrong because he is usually good about telling us when his tummy is upset because he will start licking everything. Then we let him out, he eats some grass, and then he throws up! Well not that night.

So we get everything cleaned up and then they settle back in. About an hour later, Katie Jo apparently did not want to be out done by Sammy so she has a seizure. It was pretty bad and she went to the bathroom all over herself and her doggie bed and she had tons of foam coming out of her mouth. So we have to get that cleaned up and give her a bath. Now let me tell you I am not very good with throw up or any kind of bodily function from dogs. So I am trying to clean up while gagging the whole time!

So everyone settles down after the clean up except Katie. She is just pacing and pacing. I think she was upset because I was still in the living room and DH was sleeping. After a seizure she is always full of pep and energy and she always looks so happy. Its like she is just so happy to be alive. I felt like she was going back and forth from my husband and I and looking at us as if to say, "Hey, look at me I 'm alive..YAY" then its off to the next person. Finally after about an hour and half of that she settles down and goes to sleep.

An hour later Sammy throws up on DH side of the bed. Luckily he realized in time and was able to get out of the way. Also, really happy that I have a mattress cover and it did not get through to the bed. So we have to clean that up. Then for the next 3.5 hrs Sammy will not lay down for more then 5 minutes. It is like he was a nervous wreck. He was shaking, wimpering, coughing. It was so sad! I am at this point a wreck too because I do not know what to do to make him feel better. I finally give him these calming pills that we are suppose to give him before storms or fireworks. They never work for him but I am willing to try anything at this point. After about another hour he finally falls asleep. I was waiting for the vet to open to give them a call.

I call and they were not available until Saturday. They said to watch him and if he keeps throwing up then we will need to take him to emergency. Now, in my mind I am wishing I had pet insurance. Sammy gets up and is doing just fine. He is back to his old self and just a happy dog. I think he had the flu or something. Surprisingly dogs can get the flu. I never knew that. Talked to the vet today and they said we did not need to bring him in but if he started throwing up or yelping in pain again to bring him in. thank goodness all has been fine since then. Katie has also been good since her seizure that night and thankfully has not had another. It seems to be happening more frequently now. I am afraid she probably does not have a lot of time left. :( I recently found out she was 15 almost 16 and not 13 like we thought. So she has lived a long happy life. Though ever since we got her hair cut she seems to be full of energy and a lot happier. She knows she looks cute and just prances around telling every one.

Hopefully, all is well from here on. I do not want to have another night like that with them.

Let's chat!

OMG one of the best things I think for this community. Go here to read about the announcement about the new ALI GAB. It is a new community for us to chat live with each other. I am very excited and so thankful that we now have a place where we can talk to each other live. Click on the ALIGAB button on the left and signup for the new ALI GAB. Also, go visit In Due Time and thank her for this great idea and also she could use some support as she has had some bad news today. Sign up today...I did!

Crazy people and my doggies

ok I admit it...I said I wasn't going to watch octo m0m but I totally did. It was like train wreck...you want to look away but you just can't. It was so totally boring!!! The voice over kept saying "and you are not going to believe what we got on tape!"....It was the birth. Why would I not believe that? It is not like she is a pioneer. That no one else has ever shown that on TV. Um I think I have seen that 1000 times. Other things that drove me crazy...She totally acted like she hated the attention but you could tell she LOVED it! Isn't she the one that wanted someone to pay a million dollars for her story? Then she tried to say she has nothing done to her lips. Really? Do you have a bridge for me to buy too? Then she started putting Kate down for getting a tummy tuck and just showing off for TV. Whatever...pot meet kettle! The one thing I felt bad for her about was her mom. Her mom was on her case and not supportive at all. I understand that she has made some bad decisions but she is your daughter after all. You can disagree with her choices but you should still try to be there for her and support her instead of going to the media and saying bad things about her.

on why she did it...She says she could not imagine them destroying her frozen embryos and that is why she transferred all of them. I can understand to a degree but have you ever heard of donation? There are other things you could have done. This was not your only choice and your doc should never have allowed this.

Oh and the other day on our local news they reported some woman says she is pregnant with 12 babies. WHAT!? Then they said that they don't know if it is true because the woman refused to have an ultrasound. UMMMM...then why are you reporting it? Isn't that just feeding into what this woman wants. Stop giving attention to crazy people. The news should be for....(and I know this sounds crazy) LEGIT NEWS!!! This is why we that really struggle have a hard time with people understanding how we feel. we get associated with crazy people!

Anyway, enough about octo mom and crazy people. Something is wrong with my dog Sammy. 2 nights ago he was laying down sleeping and then all of sudden he just let out this yelp that sounded so bad! I checked him all over and found nothing. Then he would not sit still for more then 5 minutes. He would lay down then get back up. Finally I gave him one of these calming pills we have for storms and such. they don't usually work but I thought I would give it a try. It eventually worked. He has been eating and going to the bathroon just fine but every couple hours he yelps out in pain. Yesterday we checked him over again and we found an area under is front leg that he has scratched to death! It is so bad so we but some salve on it that we have for Katie Jo but I am not sure if that is it. Nothing else seems to be the problem. This happened a couple years ago and we took him to the vet but they did not find anything. Sammy hates to go in the car and when we get to the vet he just cries and cries like someone is trying to kill him. The vet really can not get x-rays of him because he is such a wreck about it. Last time we went to the vet and he just gave him some steroids to take at home but once we got home Sammy was perfectly fine. Never to yelp again. So I am not sure if I should tramatize him and take him to the vet or if it is the thing under his leg and we will just keep putting some cream on it and wait for it to heal. I don't want him to hurt that is all I know. I think I will call the vet and see what he says. Usually they won't give any inbo without seeing the dog...which totally sucks! I really wish dogs could talk it would make this so much easier!

Some computers, dogs and lots of reality TV

That is what I have been up too. Well, I think I am totally obsessed with my new computer! I have been on it a lot since I got it. I guess that happens when you have no job, and no kids to take up your time. I will have to say a lot of the time was from looking for jobs and I decided to change my email address. OMG if you can ever avoid this then please do because it is a big pain in the ass! The problem was my old email was just getting bombarded with junk mail! I mean like 300-400 junk mail a day. Yes I had a filter but still that many would still get through. Plus I would have to still go through all the junk mail because a lot of the time a message I wanted would be in my junk mail. I wanted to go to gmail anyway because 1. it puts all my google stuff in one place and2. I can program it with my win.d0ws ma1l. It took like 6 hrs to change all my addresses where I needed it changed. Is that not crazy or what?

The other thing is I am pretty crazed about B!g Br0ther, I absolutely love this show and this season has been crazy!!!! Chima is getting kicked out tonight and I could not be happier. I have been trying to find all the videos to see what really happened and not what the producers of the show want to show us tonight. I really wish I had the live feed but I really am not willing to pay for it. Also wish I had Sh0wtime so I could watch the after dark but I don't and again not really willing to pay for it. If you have never watched this and you like reality shows I think this is one of the best and you should watch it.

In other news we got Katie Jo's haircut and man she looks so cute. However, the lady could not finish her one leg so she kind of looks funny because everything else is shaved except her left front leg. I felt bad because Katie really does not like anyone to touch that leg and when the groomer tried Katie bit her in the face. Not bad but still it was the face. She told me and I was apologizing and she said it was not Katie's fault. She said she just hurts their and was protecting it. She felt bad because she did not finish and told me she was not going to charge me. I of course paid anyway. How could I not after she got bit. Anyway, Katie still looks cute and she knows it too. She just prances around the house like she is the cutest dog in the world. It cracks me up!

So that is about all that is going on with me the last couple days. Anyone going to check out the 0ct0m0m special on F0x this week? I can not believe someone paid for that. What a train wreck that will be!!

So excited!

I am so excited because I got a new computer! YAY now I can actually do things and it won't take forever! I got a Ga.teway laptop fron Be.st Bu.y and I got a great deal. I like it because it has a full size keyboard. That is one of the things I always hated about laptops was that the keyboards are different, especially the number keys. I hate using the ones on the top! This one has voice recognition so really I do not even have to type. I am totally dictating this blog post and not typing a thing. Isn't that cool?

I haven't been online that much this weekend because I had the Ge.ek squ.ad come and set up my wireless router. They told me it would take 1 and half hrs. My window was from 4-8 today. He got here at 7:55, of course...isn't that how it always goes? Anyway, it took him all of 5 minutes. They totally just wanted some more money from me. They also tried to sell me some crap about they would come and optimize my computer for an additional 130.00. He told me if I did not do that it would take the computer 1 hr to start up do to all the factory installed programs that I do not need. I decided not to do that because I am pretty good with computers and figured it might take some time but I can totally remove unwanted items. So I get the computer home and you know how long it took to start up and then to uninstall all unwanted stuff? 1 minute to start up and about 10-15 to remove stuff. WTF? totally trying to rip me off! Glad I did not fall for it. I figured how hard could it be. I have had 2 prior computers and never had a problem. Anyway, so I am excited to have this. My hubby was not too excited because we really do not have the extra money but he said he knew I really wanted and needed it and it would help me if I went back to school. Also he said, "Happy wife, Happy life." He is pretty smart. I think he has learned a lot since we have been together for 16 yrs. LOL.

Anyway, yesterday we went to an engagement party/BBQ/campfire. It was a lot of fun! I was a little worried because it was with people he works with and his friends. I am not a big fan of most of his friends but this guy is a really great guy1 Not the type I would figure to settle down but he is really happy and in love with her. It was so much fun! Plus we rode with another couple so neither of us had to worry about drinking and driving. We both got to let loose and it was fun! This was the first time I met the people he works with and they are all really great people! One of the girls came up to me and said," I am so glad to meet you. DH talks about you all the time and he loves you so much! You are a lucky girl!" To which I totally agreed! It made made me feel good!

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Infertility on TV

I think I have writer's block or nothing I am doing is very interesting. It could be the last one the most. Nothing much is going on with me. Just casually looking for a job. It is not a big priority now that I am getting unemployment. I would like to enjoy a few months off work. I have applied to some though. The ones that seem worth it. One I applied for really sparked my interest. It was for an admin asst for one of our local universities. They have a research department that is doing research on miscarriage and stillbirth. When I saw that I thought it would be perfect. however, I have not heard anyting from them...yet. Hopefully I will because that would be great!

Other then that I got my hair cut prety short this weekend. It was so long. I think it had been a year since I last got my hair cut. I am thinking that is way too long. Anyway, I love the hair cut. I feel 10 pounds lighter and it is so much easier to manage.

Has anyone watched the new show on I believe T.N.T called Hawth0.rne. I am loving that show. It gets me everytime. Speaking of shows has anyone noticed lately the many people on reality TV that have infertility problems or had them or are making sure they don't have problems. I like that they are bringing it out in these shows. Showing some of the struggles. Although one show kind of ticked me off. It was South.ern Bell.es on the so.ap op.era network. It was pretty good except one girl had a miscarriage many years ago and now she wants to have children. She was with a guy that clearly did not want to have children yet she figured she could change his mind...that just drove me crazy but that is not the thing I am posting about. She went to a fertility dr to see if she was going to have problems having children and you know what they did? They did an ultrasound and said everything looks fine, you should have no troubles. HUH? What? First of all an ultrasound does NOT show whether you will be able to have children! If you looked at my ultrasounds it shows my uterus is perfect yet I still have 4 lost babies and no live ones. Second off, the next clue should have been that she had a miscarriage before! What kind of doctor was this? I am glad that these things are being put out there but if you are going to do it please make sure the info is acurate. I mean maybe she did have more of an appointment where they did other things and just did not state it on the show but for anyone who does not know anything about infertility they will think all they have to do is go to a doctor and have them do an ultrasound to get all their answers. That really ticked me off! Also, anyone going to watch the special on 0ct0 m0m?

Anyway, I am hopefully going to get a new computer soon. I am looking for a GREAT deal and nothing too expensive. This computer that I am using now is getting worse and worse by the day. Sometimes I just hate getting on it because I know it is going to take forever to do what I need to do. We will have to see because money is not very abundant right now.

Well that is all I have got for right now. I hope everyone is having a good week.

Happy Blogoversary to ME!

WOW! It has been 1 year of blogging today. I can't believe it has been a year already. I remember when I started, wanting so bad to be a year into blogging because that meant hopefully I would have built some readers. It would mean I had experience now. I would know what I wanted my voice to be and how I wanted to express all that had been bottled up in my mind and in heart for the last 9 years. Yet, I also wondered. Would I be disappointed with blogging? Would I start and then decide after a week or two that it was too much work? Would anyone care what I had to say? Would I really want to talk about all this really personal stuff?

One year later...

I am definitely NOT disappointed with blogging. Quite the contrary. I think it has been one of the best experiences. My first post I remember thinking, as I have said before, I am going to show everyone what it is like to be infertile. What I feel...how hard it is. I am going to educate. I had no idea that this whole world was out there. I do not even remember how I found Mel's place. I am sure it was from clicking on links from someone else's blog. But I do remeber my heart skipped a beat when I rolled through her list of blogs from the ALI community. I could not believe it. The feeling was like...I was HOME at last!

I am a talker by nature but I was unsure if it would translate to a blog. Could I be as open when anyone could find it and possibly say unkind things? I have enough of that IRL...I don't need it in the virtual world while relaxing in the comfort of my home. One year later...Yes I defintely have no problem speaking my mind. Saying exactly how I feel even if not everyone agrees. I figured out along the way that it is ok if not everyone agrees. We all have different experiences in life that shape how we view and feel about things. That is why I am here...to learn and maybe see a different way of looking at things. But I am also happy to say that I have not had anything unkind said to me. I have received nothing but an unending supply of love and support from all of you.

I really thought that I would only have a few people who would come to read my blog. I am amazed all the time that people come here and read what I think or feel. That you come here and comment and envelop me with virtual hugs. I just can't say how much it means to me and how excited I get whenever I see a comment. I also love to comment. I love offering my love and support to everyone that needs it. I love finding new blogs to read and that is why I have reached Iron commenter 6 times. My list gets longer and longer. Many have become successful in there quest for a baby since I started reading and it truely makes me so happy when you have beat IF. It makes my day better...it gives me so much HOPE! It also makes me so sad when things are not going well for you...if you are having a hard time...or God forbid a loss. I feel it as if it were my own. I pray and keep you all in my thoughts CONSTANTLY! If I can't read every day I start to get anxious because I do not want a day to go by where any of you feel forgotten. I try my best and I hope that I can give you at least a small fraction of what you have given me.

I think people think I have lost my mind. They say you should go to a support group and I say I have a great support group...they are all online. IRL people say , "no I'm talking about a group in person"...I say I did that and I like this better. While I definitely like to meet people and there are several of you that I hope to meet someday, being on the internet sometimes just makes it so much easier. It is easier to say how I feel with out fear that someone is rolling their eyes at me or staring at me in bewilderment. It's easier to cry my eyes out as I write a gut wrenching post or laugh my ass off at my stupidity without anyone knowing it. I can say here what I can't say or would rather not say IRL. It is also hard too because I can post things here and I realize that it may sound like I am about to slit my wrists or jump off the closest bridge...let me assure you I am not...because words can only say so much...but I know that most of you who read know exactly what I am talking about. You laugh and cry with me and not at me (wink, wink). And while all this may sound ridiculous to some people... to me it has been a lifeline. So, while I know some IRL people do not understand or think I have lost my mind if I talk about some great news I heard from someone online or some uplifting thing one of you told me that got me through a bad day...I don't care because I consider all of you my friends even if it is in the blogosphere...it still means the world to me.

So I thank you all for coming here and for blogging. My hubby thanks you because he finally gets a break from my constant over analyzing, worrying, and grief and I thank Mel for getting us all together in one community to support and celebrate each other and I am amazed everyday at all she does. I have learned so much in the last year. You have changed my life and made this whole IF thing easier. I am not alone anymore and I just can't thank you enough! And I can't wait for the next year!

So 365 days and 174 posts later...here are some highlights incase you haven't read.

How it began...1st post

Most popular post, my Creme de la Creme entry and Contest winner (although the contest

winner was a shorter version)

I am one of "those" people

My letter to Aunt Flo

Top 101 things about me

Shades of Gray

My letter to 18 yr old me

Something pretty funny - to my sis...sorry it had to be told...it is just too darn funny!

Hope you enjoyed!

Great News!

First of all I have GREAT NEWS!!!! Today I found out that I am getting unemployment. Did you hear my HUGE sigh of RELIEF!!! I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I never thought I would be this excited about getting unemployment. I guess that is the good thing about the thought of not getting it...I really appreciate it now. When I got fired I thought I would never make it on the meager makings from unemployment. Now I feel rich beyond belief...I really am not but it feels that way. Plus the paid me for my lat month of unemployment so that was so nice to get. I am sure my bill companies will appreciate it as well!

Anyway, the last few days I have been pretty busy. I am getting ready to go to bed so I am just going to provide a few bullet points.

• Took my dog Katie Jo to my moms because the family of the friend of our family was in town. We figured Katie probably does not have much time left so we thought they should see her. I don't think she realized who they were since she can't really see or hear. That family thinks Katie lives with my mom because that was what her friend that died wanted but it really was not feasible. My mom felt guilty about it so she keeps up this charade. Funny thing is Katie Jo is suppose to be "her" dog...wink, wink...but she stayed by my side all night.
• My computer is really pissing me off. It is running so slow...probably because it is old but I have tried everything to get it to run better and it does not seem to be working. I so need a new computer but I do not know how I will EVER afford that.
• DH and I went out to dinner tonight to celebrate getting unemployment (that just sounds like a funny statement). It was so good. I had stomboli. I have never had it before and it was DELICIOUS!
• Went grocery shopping...YAY! But I will NEVER...and I repeat NEVER...EVER...go shopping at Wa.l.m.art again on a Friday night. I swear they must only stock one time a week and it happens to be at 10:00pm on Friday night. So of course you can't get down the aisles and everything is cleared off the shelves. However due to my new coupon prowess I :) I saved 75.00 off my bill. I was super excited!
• We are getting Katie Jo shaved next week and she is going to be SO CUTE! I will have to show pictures.
• Have a BBQ celebration at MIL's this weekend. Family is in from out of town. There is going to 8000 kids, give or take a few thousand. It should be fun however it is going to be 94 degrees. I think that is the hottest it has gotten all summer here which is surprising for Michigan. the sucky party will be the 1000% humidity that goes along with it. This whole week is suppose to be a scorcher.
• Getting this money means I hopefully might be able to work out paying my RE so I can go for a visit and hopefully get things going again. I am very excited about that!
• Still looking, unsuccessfully, for a job. Now, though I am not so much in a hurry.
• Monday, I go to my orientation about getting into the program for the state to pay for me to go back to school for 2 years now that I am unemployed. I think it is a pretty long waiting list but that is ok. Its free money.
• Talk to my mortgage company and they just do not make any sense. I told them I could not afford to pay my payments and wanted to apply for hardship assistance. She says a. well we will set you up on a payment plan (which I was on already but could not afford). She says when, in the next 2 weeks, will you be able to pay the down payment of 1600.00? To which I respond...never because I could not pay the payment plan of 1000.00 so why would you think I could pay 1600.00? Then she does it anyway and says, "the computer won't let you be on a payment plan because you can't afford it." - Me-"Uh Duh, that s what I said" - She - "then you will have to pay what you owe in full of around 4000.00 after we send you back the money you have already paid towards that because sense you will not be on a payment plan we don't take partial payment"....Anyone else here as confused as I? If I can't afford 1000.00 or 1600.00 why do you think I can afford 4000.00? and if you already got some money why would you send it back to me only to ask for it again? Isn't some money better then none? - Anyway, I am appying to either get a loan modification since my house is worth about half of what I owe or a loan where they will pay off what I owe now and add to the back end of my mortgage. Hopefully something goes through!

That is all I got for now. I hope you all have a great weekend!

Drum Roll Please!!

Sorry so late. It has been a busy day.

And the winner is...

MELISSA

True Random Number GeneratorMin: Max: Result:1Powered by RANDOM.O

One Lovely Award!

Melissa over at What? IF?! has nominated me for an award. Thank you so much. Please go on over and show her some love and support.

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered.
Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Now I do not know if I have 15 blogs that I have newly discovered but I am going to pass it on to 15 blogs new and old alike. I have so many blogs that I read and I think you all deserve an award. So here it goes...

1. YOKOSO
2. Babymaking 101
3. My Life After Loss
4. Finally a Mom - the struggles and triumph of overcoming infertility
5. Little Bluebirds Fly
6. I want to be a mommy
7. Adam and Julia
8. Little Dale III
9. Our Journey for a Child
10. Hope.Faith.Patience
11. Journey to a Wondraful Baby
12. Unproductively So
13. Secrets of Infertile Mom
14. So it Goes
15. Any one else I did not include...yes that means you.

Thank you to all of the above and everyone else I read. You bring a smile to my face and brighten my day. Thank you for all your support. You are all such good friends!

PS Today is the last day to enter for the Yoga DVD drawing. Don't forget to enter. I will be doing the drawing tomorrow. Good Luck to all that have entered!

Connection of the Heart <3

I had a really good time for girls weekend!!! Nothing like getting together with friends...drinking, eating, playing games, and laying on the beach. We had so much fun! I had some really good food. We had a dessert that was so good and it is really simple to make. It tastes just like a chocolate eclair...YUMMY!!!

There were 2 people at the girls weekend that I had never met before. I was a little nervous about this because you never know with new people. The inevitable questions about kids come up. Anyway, though they turned out to be great and the questions never came. I figured maybe my friends had warned them before hand not to ask me. I always wonder that when it does not come up. Funny though it bothers me a bit thinking that people are saying things about it behind my back, even though I know they mean well. However, I found out that that was not the case and it makes me love my friends even more! They don't treat me different and I appreciate that!

At the end of our time we were talking about something and I said I was a night person. I can stay up late but I said that is probably because I do not have any kids to which one of the girls said, "Oh, I thought you had a daughter?" (she must have assumed by a statement from some earlier story that my friend said, "oh see we reacted that way because we don't have boys." this must have made her assume I then had a girl). Anyway, I said, "No, hopefully someday." thinking why did I say anything, dummy you almost got through the whole time and did not have to explain anything. She then said "have you been trying for long?" Me.."yes, for nine years.(trying to think of a way out)" She..."what have you been trying?" Now, here I start to get irritated thinking, oh great you are going to be one of those people who tell me a friend of a friends aunts daughter tried such and such and it worked so you should give it a try. Already in that split second I am having the internal argument in my head that I DO NOT want to have out loud on fun girls weekend. Me..."I have tried everything up to IVF which I am unsuccessfully trying to save money for." She..." Do you go to XYZ clinic in XYZ city?"...Me.."yes, I do."...She..."who is your RE?"...Me..."Dr.Positive"...She..."Isn't he great? I love him." Everyone else..."what are you talking about you have kids?"...She..."yes but I had 1 loss and it took me 4 years to have my first."...Me...(big exhale)"You used him and were successful. I love hearing that!."...She..."stick with him...it will work." and that was the end of the conversation.

Infertility is so isolating that sometimes you feel like you are the only person on the planet who understands how it feels and then I meet someone that no one even realized knew the secret. She knew the pain and anguish. She knew what to say and where to end it and it instantly gave us a connection that no one else in that room had. It is a connection of the heart. She knew...I knew...and it so rare to be in a room with IRL friends that GET IT, it just made this weekend all that much better!